Some sayings for moving on:

My life update

I know you are eager to hear how every thing is going in my personal life and with my current beau.  Currently, because of the holidays and the gears of life are working, I will post those updates at a later date.  I really don't want to post anything that is currently happening and then cause something to be misconstrued. 

Checklist: knowing what you want out of a partner

Do you know what you are looking for?  Are you a checklist of what you would hope someone else would want?

A wise woman years ago (a college Sunday School teacher) taught me about how to focus on an "ideal mate" and she had a check list that she was praying for in her future mate.  She had already been married before, so she already knew what kind of characteristics she already didn't want.

She did a few things, she looked at what she really wanted, but she also looked at what God wanted for a marriage and a man of character.  She went to the Bible to look at what kind of characteristics a man of God would have.  She added those to her list.

She kept a diary of the list, and she prayed over it, and she met someone that actually met that list.  I don't know how long it took for the someone to come along, but I know she knew when the list was met, and he proposed, she knew this was a man that God wanted for her.

The Bible spells out specifically in Proverbs 31 what kind of woman we should be for our mates, which I have prayed for several years, and have gleaned a great deal from.  I will write about that at another time.

However, throughout the Bible it says what a man should be.  But focus in on the Book of Ruth, and her Kinsmen Redeemer.  Naomi praised him highly, and noted that he was a man of integrity.  He was a man who did respectable business, people followed his example, he was highly thought of in his community, and he respected women.  The list gets longer, and this was not necessarily my point today, but this is the primary base for a man of Biblical Character and certainly someone that would make an excellent partner.

So, what's my point?

My point is, to develop your own checklist.  What are things you want in your partner, your future partner?  What are personal characteristics you want from the inside out? 

Though you may want to focus on the outside and what your partner physically looks like, you also need to use your head in analyzing their qualities on the inside.  If they aren't what you want on the inside, then why are you dating them?

Get a journal, a notebook, a piece of paper, and put it somewhere you can regularly look at it.

All your experiences, things you have learned, things you value and things you don't value in someone should go into that list. 

Though my list was written years ago, and the list is long gone, I know what I've been praying for these years and I know that a mere mention of having taken a Dave Ramsey class is a huge key for me.  I want someone who understands that there is or should be a limit to spending and what to spend it on, and whom to spend it on.  I particularly don't want to be in debt up to my eyeballs til I'm 100 years old. 

But seriously, if you want to have a better angle on your life and how you are approaching your dating life, get a bit more serious about what you truly want in a life partner, and pray for that.  I would rather have a good hearted man than the sportiest jock, because I know that the man with the inside qualities mean more in the long run. 

700 views: Thank you

I celebrate even the smallest things.  So, thanks for reading, we hit over 700 views so far.

Holidays: It sucks to be single for the holidays

Yes, the holidays when you are single suck.... totally sucks, but hey, I would rather be doing the holidays by myself than with a Grinch.

Yes, I suffered through that one year.  Would you rather have a quiet holiday, and you can buy whatever you wish, or would you rather be with someone who is so grinchy it makes holidays not worth having.

My ex was that way.  He felt that he didn't need to buy gifts for birthdays, Easter, Christmas, or celebrate major holidays because he worked enough for the family and that his everyday contribution was what was enough to share with them.  Bah Humbug.

I am now in a relationship, and it super sucks when your family or theirs, or better yet, both! don't want to believe that you are minutely serious relationship and they begin to prepare for the holidays with the exclusion of your partner.  Hurray for weirdness, awkwardness and family inclusion.

So, I'm going to totally avoid telling on people, but I think for the sanity of all involved be aware of whom you are bringing home.  Don't just bring them home to show them off.  If you aren't serious about staying with that person, don't include them in your family shindigs, no matter how minor.

*I knew someone who allowed a girlfriend, who was not a fiancée, in his grandmother's family funeral photos.... hurray....

Holidays can bring out the super tacky of behavior or can bring out inclusionary behavior, you pick.

I think for families of singles, be understanding that whom they bring home is their discretion to want to share that person with you.  If you know they are just putting on a show, put them out, but in general most people don't bring around someone that they aren't truly interested in.

Have enough grace and space to remember that if you were in their shoes, you would want them to include you.  Exclusionary behavior can be divisive and can hurt relationships far into the future. 

***and if you aren't the host or hostess, don't invite people for them.  It gets awkward when someone they didn't plan on shows up.  Just saying.

Cheers to being single during the holidays.  Be strong and shop til you drop.  Don't worry about this season.  It may suck, it may be awesome, but it's just a season in life.  Make it what you want it to be.

Live your life: Don't wait for someone to tell you how to do it.

I was always taught to live with eternity in mind, to live life backwards.  If you live with the end in sight, and you know what you want to look back on, then you will be more focused on what you want to get out of life instead of merely living a life.

A photo from my private collection.  I love cemeteries.  I love to look at the artistry memorial of the individual that lived.  The places I have visited have shown either how people lived or how well they died.  One of my thesis in college surrounded the idea of a "Good Death."

I don't say this lightly, or to be ghoulish, or anything of that sort, but merely to show that there is more to life than the general life everyone assumes we will take.

That's what's so fabulous about being taught how to live with eternity in sight, to live life backwards, to be able to think what you actually want to accomplish rather than having to make room for what you want to accomplish.  I set out early in life a desire to travel, and can say that I've done that.  I set out to learn different cultures and language.  Done that.  Educate myself to be able to give my children (or legacy) a better start in life.  Done.  And have found out who I am and find balance in all that.  My trips to cemeteries continue my journey to enjoy rare or alternative art, and a lot of people miss that a cemetery has art in it. 

So, the point I'm making, is to get out there and live your life.  Don't be afraid that your dreams will end up in a trashcan, or be the subject of ridicule.  They assuredly will be questioned, no matter what, but who cares.  I've traveled to some countries that were considered dangerous, and before I went I knew that if the Good Lord wanted to call me home, then so be it.  Live life with reckless abandon.

The point I'm not endorsing is the "let life happen to you."  Don't be the one that didn't know what they wanted to accomplish, so they got with a guy, then got pregnant and just ended up having to work for the future, rather than making their future.  I see so many that succumb to just letting life happen, including sex, drugs and alcoholism, and then when they finally get their head clear again, their future is destroyed. 

If you can get a hold of your dreams early on, you'll know where you want to go from there.  If you don't, then you will become a "leaf in the winds of other men's plans." 

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses.... (And my "Three Strikes" Rule)

This is a huge issue in dating.  This is one you have to decide whether the B.S. is worth keeping them or throwing them back. 

There are people throughout your life who are going to give you excuses why things weren't done, why they couldn't make it, why they ditched you for something, or why they left you in the lurch.  Your dating partner shouldn't be one of them.

Being served B.S. is unfortunately a norm, and people have just simply accepted it.  The guy is really sweet, he considers my thoughts, she's pretty, she's just in a temporary slump and needs a bit of help, etc. 

I had one guy say that he had to meet a potential roommate, but then he would be right over.  I was dumb enough to wait 2 hours.  He said I'll see you at Starbucks, and this was at 6pm.  6pm is kind of my cut off for a coffee shop.  He finally said he was on his way, and it was nearing 8pm.  I texted him that I was beyond coffee at that point, to meet me at the bar of the Mexican restaurant for beer and chips and salsa.  I can't remember if he paid for the beers or not, I just know that I waited 2 hours to meet a guy that turned out to be the biggest flake on the planet. 

Same guy that told me other things that were unacceptable. 

I kind of run on a "three (3) strikes and your out" rule.  The first time you disappoint, that's strike one, and so on.  The first time you lie to me, the game is totally over!  First time he makes you pay for a date, yes, strike one or wherever you are.  You have make your own game of how you run the B.S., but it shouldn't be an ongoing thing.

I know someone who currently is on her 5th or 6 week of talking to a guy, and she still hasn't met him yet.  I told her "Uh, he hit my three strikes a while ago..."  and she's still hoping for a happy ending.  I think there has to be some limit as to how much you put up with.  You just simply can't be naïve in this game.  Other people in this pool are certainly more calculating. 

Money is particularly important to pay attention to.  You also have to know how much of that B.S. you are willing to put up with.  If you are the girl in the relationship, if you are paying for more than a third of your relationship, or even 25%, then you are putting too much investment into your relationship.

On a whole, borrowing money from each other shouldn't come until you are firmly in a relationship, and the money dance has begun.  While you are in the "dating light" category, the pre-engagement phase, you should definitely not be borrowing money or loaning money.  I put a limit on how much I was willing to loan or give to my partner in my last big relationship, and I stuck to it.  Though I paid more in investment for the relationship- dumb me- I wasn't willing to loan him outright cash, pay for a broken phone, pay for the nieces' trip to Chuck E. Cheese, etc.  I majorly drew a line at "loaning" him money to replace his phone, which happened to be his 4th broken phone while we were dating.  That should have had money set aside if you go through phones that fast. 

Examples of Three Strikes:

1) made me pay for the first date, 2) embarrassed me in public, 3) was late for something important

1) Late to the first date, 2) made me feel uncomfortable on our date, 3) didn't wash your hands

1) Complaining about anything in general, 2) buy the dumb version of a great product (wrong Harley Davidson- the Honda Goldwing lookalike rather than the "hog"), 3) talk about how much you paid off your ex wife for your divorce settlement

1) Not answer a phone call from your kid, no matter how old they are, 2) didn't call me to cancel a date, 3) a scheduled late night visit, and then didn't show up and didn't call.

Things that don't get a "Three Strikes" rule:

Cheating (1 and done)

Lying (1 and done)

Making me look bad (1 and done)

Yelling at me (1 and done)

Not taking responsibility for something big (1 and done)- like a kid, visitation, phone calls, etc.

Bitter Divorce Stories (1 and done) I had one first date that he lied to me and they were bitter divorce stories, oh yeah, definitely done!!!!  How much you paid off your ex wife to go away, oh yeah, done! 

I can understand if there was some negativity between the splitting pair, just not dripping with disdain to the point where that is your disposition.  My guy now is a divorcee, and he doesn't drip with disdain, he is validly hurt and is working to rectify his situation.