If you are really interested, you would be in constant communication

This is your best weapon in the battle for the heart, if you are unable to be together.  Use it!

As Patti Stanger said, "You should be on his mind all the time."  "You should be on his calendar on the important nights of the week: Friday and Saturday."

Guys: If you actually like someone, don't play it cool.  Don't be their friend, don't just tip toe around them.  Do something about it.  If you really find someone interesting, you will make a point to be in their lives.

A friend of mine recently told me that a guy that she was interested in waited 10 days to call her while on a business trip.  Um, not a good footing there.  It gives us (women) time to rethink you.  If you don't want to be an afterthought, don't be.  Make a point to share some of your day with her, each day.

Don't be a pest, and respect her work time, but make sure you make a concerted effort to let her know you are on her mind, in a non creepy fashion.

Don't linger too long, you will be kicked to the curb if you wait too long.

If you don't want to be found out, don't do it: living a life of integrity and honesty

This is my big pet peeve with people.  If you don't want to be found out, don't do it.  If I find out, I will tell on you.

Now, is it appropriate? Yes, when it hurts another human being.  If you are doing something that could potentially damage someone else or your child, you are darn straight I'm going to call you out on it.  Even if its to your partner, I sure as hell will tell on you if you are doing something unacceptable.

This goes back to my "Three Strikes and You're Out" policy, along with my "One Strike" list.  If you are cheating on your partner, or doing something that you wouldn't want them to find out about, then you shouldn't be doing it at all.  If you do anything to compromise her or your child, I will bring it to someone's attention.  It definitely won't be you, it will be the woman who is questioning your fidelity.

Recent events in which I spoke out and told the woman my solution was to cash in whatever she had from him, take the baby and sue him for child support, resulted in the offender going back to the source and trying to find out why I would say anything of that sort.  Gee dude, if I have to say something, I'm either concerned for the woman in the middle, the child you are the sperm donor for, or I'm concerned that she's going to the man I'm about to marry about very intimate details of her own relationship with you and telling her suspicions about what a piece of shit you are.

I don't tolerate much, and when I find out someone I've been seeing is trying to find something else, he's usually on the curb before anything happens.  Unfortunately, I only had one instance where that wasn't the case and he hid it well for quite some time.  He didn't get away with his awful treatment of me for long though.  I let him pay for a move of mine, and then he was given his walking papers about three weeks later.  And I kept the TV.

But if I hear that you are stepping outside of your own relationship, and she's concerned and asking other people, you are darn going to hear what I have to say.  If you put my family in the middle of it (in this case they both put my fiancé in the middle) then yes, I will speak up and say something.  I think cheating is rotten, and the people that do it should have their cheating bits ripped from them.  I don't find it respectful and I believe it teaches children unacceptable behavior and that they should put up with from their own partners.  I sincerely respect the reason people stay, but don't do it because of the person who cheated on you.  They don't deserve it.  If you come back to the relationship, you need to come back into it with standards you set for both of you in order to not have that happen again.

I can say that I nearly saw that happen with a family close to me, and I'm glad someone spoke up and said it was inappropriate before it went any further.  The recent events, we'll see.

People need to speak up a lot more about unacceptable behavior.  With all the diseases and consequences that ruining your relationship comes with, you should maintain integrity in your relationship or suffer the consequences thereof. 

A Proverbs 31 moment: A wife of virtue/noble character

Proverbs 31: 10-31 starts with "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies."

Another version says "virtuous" but we'll go with noble.

One of my earliest biographies I read was an autobiography on Agatha Christie (thanks Mom).  I picked her mainly because the book was purple and we had copies of Agatha Christie novels in the house.  I wasn't old enough to enjoy her writings just yet (murder mysteries, but I've read a huge portion of her writings since then).  But I read the biography and loved it immensely.  I only wish I had a copy of the book now. 

What makes a woman "Noble?"  Certainly by birth, but also by how she carries herself.  If you think of yourself as a "Lady" you'll be more likely to assume that disposition rather than treating yourself like trash and becoming it.

There is certainly more to life than physical virtue, but also by being discrete, well-mannered, inclusive of those around you, caring, concerned for the fellow man, and also by what you do.

A woman who can live her life in a way that honors the Lord is also certainly of Noble character.  A woman who doesn't seek wealth, lives within her means, helps support the friends and family she chooses to support (toxic people need to be excluded), and also seeking a life for herself that she enjoys.

A woman of Noble Character in her own right:

Agatha Christie met and married her first husband, Archibald Christie, who went off to war and all that.  While she was away and going through her mother's house after her death, he met someone else and they mutually agreed to separate (open to interpretation).  From her memoirs, it was a hard journey after the split, but she continued on with her writing and all that.  Though she missed him, she didn't dwell on any of the mistakes she made, she openly claimed him as the reason for the marriage dissolution. 

But that wasn't where her life ended.  She didn't stay a divorced woman.  She met and married someone else in her writing circles who enjoyed being 2nd fiddle to her fame.  He became her greatest love and companion in her life.  They lived life and traveled quite a bit in the time they had left.  She lived life abundantly, even after her first marriage imploded.

Max Mallowan, a recipient of the Commander of the British Empire in his own right, was her second husband, and you could tell in her writing how much she cherished him and vice versa.

I write all this to describe a woman who was driven to continue with life.  I think a Noble or Virtuous woman would certainly be those who could go on with life.

And yes, women who have lost a child and made a come back certainly fall in that category. 

A small tribute to my grandmother as well.  Though she never thought of herself as a woman ahead of her time, I would certainly put her in that category.  Having lost both parents before adulthood and being of a semi-wealthy family background, her first marriage was into a family of social standing in Southern California.  She aimed to marry for money, and she did.  However, the relationship soured.  She left him and filed for divorce (Can you believe it? She kept the plane ticket stubs from that flight.  She and I found them in a box more than 50 years later.)  She didn't let that keep her down as a divorced woman.  She got a job and raised her son.  My grandfather, her second husband, fell in love with this remarkable woman who could manage her life without him, but he soon found he couldn't be without her.  They married, and he took her son on as his own.  My grandmother continued to work off and on, while raising a family, but she did retire from a government job.  She continued to have little volunteer jobs throughout her life, including literacy lessons, and working for our church's library.  A donation fund in lieu of flowers was set up and ultimately paid for a Spanish library for the church. 

She also taught me over time to make something of myself independent of a man, and to see and enjoy the world.  She also taught me my passion for cemeteries.  I treasure her and the memories we made always, and keep her in my heart.  Her powder box of alabaster continues to be in a treasured spot in my home.

A Lady, a Noble woman, a Virtuous woman, certainly has drive to continue with life, who doesn't look at the past, who knows what needs to be done and does it.  Someone who has integrity, drive, financially savvy, and savvy with how to handle her household.  It may not always be right in the eyes of society, but if she can sleep at the end of the day, it was done right by her.

Be a woman who defines herself, rather than letting life define you.  Even if you have already started a path of bad decisions, you can always stop and change your stars (movie reference), you can always make better decisions for yourself and your family.

If you are single, and heading down a path of destruction (drinking too much, too many men in your life), you can always make the decision of when that is going to stop.  If you need help to do it, ask someone you trust.  I think I have been able to stay out of that mess by merely having a group of friends who don't indulge in those situations.  You can make different decisions.  You don't have to treat yourself like trash because someone else chose to. 

You can make a definition for your life.  A Noble Woman defines herself.

This crown is that of Lady Diana Spencer.  A woman, who after she discovered her actual role in the Royal Family as only the mother to the heir and spare, made her own life out of what she wanted to see in the world.  Her legacy still lives on. 

The jewels in your own crown are that of your own making.  Think on that.

When moving on is necessary (Part of the Three Strikes Discussion)

It is something everyone in this life experiences, when to move on from any situation.

I have to say that moving on from a dating opportunity is probably one of the hardest, but you have to know when to do so.  There are just some things in this life we have to do, and this is one of them.

I had an ex that was a 5 year friendship.  We tried a relationship for 3 months in the first year, and then when my big relationship ended, he came to comfort me and we tried again.  He had a death in the family, and he didn't return.  He always seemed to want my time when it was convenient for him.

The caveat to this relationship was that he had this panache about him, I always enjoyed the intellectual discussions, the companionship, and the flow.  But when I finally realized that he only wanted me on his timetable, and that making anything permanent wasn't an option, I had had ENOUGH. 

I actually saved the discussion because it is sooooooo priceless as to my will to move the hell on. 

After he said that he was not interested in moving to where I lived and that if only ("if only") we lived closer- on his side of the world- that he would consider a relationship or whatever format he deemed would work for him (my paraphrasing). 

I told him that he made a choice, and that because of that choice, I was severing the relationship permanently.  That I no longer wanted to be in a relationship that was on someone else's time table and not being mutually satisfying. 

He had hoped I wouldn't make that choice and hoped that I would change my mind in the future, as he did enjoy our friendship.  (I don't dig friendships that have strings of benefits along with it.  No relationship, no benefits buster!).  He had hoped that I would have given him credit for being up front that he didn't want a relationship and hoped he had made that clear. 

I told him "Nope, no credit for being honest and up front.  When you came back after my major breakup you said 'if in a year....'  which I wasn't ready for, having come out of the worst relationship.  I said 'We'll see,' and no further discussion on the matter was ever broached until I tried to show you that my feelings were true, and constant, and then the discussion of geography was brought up and you got very silent.  No, no honesty came from your side, only the linger discussion of you and something called 'there.'  You never got there, where ever there was or what it was.  So, at least I'm consistent with my three strikes and that is where 'there' ends for you, and where I begin to find an open and honest relationship."

I haven't heard from him since (whew!).

I can honestly say that I needed to get that downright hellish to make my point for me and for him.  And I hope that this inspires other people to move on in one of those linger relationships where you feel like you're on call.  You seriously have to make up your mind as to what you want, put your walking boots on, and walk all over the person making you feel awful.

I also did something similar when I dumped my longest relationship ex.  I had had enough of him tearing me down, making rude comments, and he had finally pissed my family off so bad that they didn't want him around (major MAJOR bad sign).

I told my dad the day I moved that I had had enough with this guy, and that I was going to let him pay for my moving truck and then would begin the separation process in the next few weeks. 

The starting point of the separation was when I cut my hair, and I like it short so it was short.  He showed up while I was housing sitting, and whined like a baby that I had cut my hair.  I told him that if he was going to act like a baby he could simply go right back home.  He made no other fuss and proceeded, quietly, to head back to his car and drive away.  My cat and I hung out the rest of the night.

That night was the first night my parents were spending on our family vacation that I was supposed to have been apart of.  But because of my stubborn ex, he didn't want the free accommodation that my parents were offering, and told me that we were getting a hotel.  We never booked it, and when they left, I knew I was going to make it come hell or high water.

I called my mom later and asked if there was room for me somewhere, because I would at least be there on Friday for the celebration of the 50th anniversary party we were there for.  She said just come on, we'll find room.

So, I packed my bags, and kept on my little façade that week with my ex.  I never let on that I was headed to the family vacation, or when I was leaving.  He found out on Facebook.  He texted me the Wednesday I left and asked if I was leaving for the beach.  I told him I had already arrived, that I was on a ghost tour and would talk to him later.  He said "ok."  The dude had no clue.

I texted him later that night and said that my friends and I were out late, and about to have dinner so I would talk to him when I got a chance.  He didn't hear from me again for two days. 

During that time my parents, my friends, and other people that were on the trip who have become beloved friends now, had all been saying that there was no way he should have ever treated me like that, and that I didn't deserve it.  I had made up my mind by the time I had arrived at the beach that he and I were at the end of our relationship.  I could finally breathe again, and feel like a human being.

I let him know I was on my way home, and then when I got home. 

The next day (Sunday), I asked him what he was doing, and asked him to come to my mom's to pick up his stuff.  Earlier that morning I had the locks changed on my apartment, without telling him.  My parents didn't want me risking an incident, so they offered to pay for the locks to be changed.

He still had no clue that I was dissolving the connection.

He showed up at my mom's house, and I handed him his little bag of stuff- shirt, soap and some antenna for the tv.  I told him it was over, and that I couldn't date someone that hated me. He said "I don't hate you" and tried to continue soothing me, but I wasn't having any of it.  He said "I never abused you."  I said "Yes you did, everyday."  At that point he got the picture that I was completely done, and he tried to fight.  I told him that I was asking him to leave that he needed to do so before the cops showed up.  He did so without further fussing, and drove away.

It hurt for only a few days, but it felt so good to be myself again.  No one should ever treat anyone like crap. Period. 

I hope that if you are dangling on one of these types of relationships and are ready to get the hell out, I highly encourage you to get your "gumption" up and get the hell out.  It's not worth getting what you don't deserve out of someone who is only giving you what they want to give you.

Live your life: Don't wait for someone to tell you how to do it.

I was always taught to live with eternity in mind, to live life backwards.  If you live with the end in sight, and you know what you want to look back on, then you will be more focused on what you want to get out of life instead of merely living a life.

A photo from my private collection.  I love cemeteries.  I love to look at the artistry memorial of the individual that lived.  The places I have visited have shown either how people lived or how well they died.  One of my thesis in college surrounded the idea of a "Good Death."

I don't say this lightly, or to be ghoulish, or anything of that sort, but merely to show that there is more to life than the general life everyone assumes we will take.

That's what's so fabulous about being taught how to live with eternity in sight, to live life backwards, to be able to think what you actually want to accomplish rather than having to make room for what you want to accomplish.  I set out early in life a desire to travel, and can say that I've done that.  I set out to learn different cultures and language.  Done that.  Educate myself to be able to give my children (or legacy) a better start in life.  Done.  And have found out who I am and find balance in all that.  My trips to cemeteries continue my journey to enjoy rare or alternative art, and a lot of people miss that a cemetery has art in it. 

So, the point I'm making, is to get out there and live your life.  Don't be afraid that your dreams will end up in a trashcan, or be the subject of ridicule.  They assuredly will be questioned, no matter what, but who cares.  I've traveled to some countries that were considered dangerous, and before I went I knew that if the Good Lord wanted to call me home, then so be it.  Live life with reckless abandon.

The point I'm not endorsing is the "let life happen to you."  Don't be the one that didn't know what they wanted to accomplish, so they got with a guy, then got pregnant and just ended up having to work for the future, rather than making their future.  I see so many that succumb to just letting life happen, including sex, drugs and alcoholism, and then when they finally get their head clear again, their future is destroyed. 

If you can get a hold of your dreams early on, you'll know where you want to go from there.  If you don't, then you will become a "leaf in the winds of other men's plans." 

Intimacy, Every Person's Fear: Am I good enough for the other person?

This is one of the rare subjects that requires a PG-13 warning, but I will address it with care.  But I've heard this from more than just a few people. 

My mom and I had a discussion in regards to this shortly after I broke up with a really pitiful individual, so my mom won't be shocked by what I'm about to write. 

If you are breathing, breeding, intimacy, love and sex are part of your DNA.  You will at some time in your life address this core subject of sex.  The question is when it comes to approaching an intimate relationship with someone:  How much experience does the other person have and do I have enough experience to keep up with them?

Several girls I have talked to have had the attitude of having saved as much of themselves as they could for their future mate.  Some still have their "V-Card" and some have limits as to what they will do with current partners.  If you have your "V-Card," you go girl!!! It's tough, and if you made it still not having lost it, then you had more stamina than the rest. 

Then on the flip side there are those who went and painted the town red without the V-Card, throwing themselves at whatever was available, and racking up those notches in their bed.  To them, I say, congratulations, you are the ones that us girls that are timid in this department are afraid of. 

Everyone says to ask for "The Number" (the people you have physically been with) to know how many stops that person has made around the block.  I can't say this is productive, because either it freaks you out, or it creates doubt in your mind as to if the number is correct, or if the number is in town or out of town, how on earth did they get that many, etc?  It just leaves your mind racing.  I can personally say that asking has caused me more anxiety than it's worth, so I stopped asking. 

I also didn't date in common friendship circles, so that I wouldn't bump into someone that my date or someone I had previously dated had been with.  I can't say that was an overall policy, and that I think dating in your friendship circle is also risky.  I ran into more than one skank I knew personally that either dated someone in my friendship circle (and did some intimate things with them that the circle and the church knew about), or that dated previous love interests of mine.  I can honestly say that I did not rack up that title in my friendship circle.  Thank God.

Also, what if you told your friends your love interest's number? What are they going to think?  One of my college girlfriends disclosed to me that her husband-to-be had racked up 30+ women by the time they met.  I can't necessarily say I had a very high opinion of him.  Nor the friend (she and I are no longer in touch) that bragged her husband had once been bought a "lady of the night" for a birthday gift.

So, I'm not writing this to blow secrets and all that.  But to make this point:  How much do you really want to know about your partner. 

The other part of this, is simply this: Forget about the "good enough" portion of your thoughts.  If you are told "you are not good enough" then that person clearly has too much education and should really be in the "Charlie Sheen" (which also includes Robert Downing, Jr., Hugh Grant, etc) category.  If you aren't "good enough," have "enough education," "still in kindergarten," then the person is a skank and should be shown the door.  I had someone call me all of that when he dumped me.  Smart move dude. 

Anyone who brags about their intimate education should really be in a "Skank Category."  And you might need to talk about that before anything goes any further.  But you should also find someone with a sweet heart who doesn't think that it's the end all, be all, of a relationship either.  You should have a good rapport before doing anything in that fashion. 

If you truly fear that you won't be enough for them, then they aren't worth the time you have to give or your emotional attachment with that form of intimacy. 

Remember, you are who you make yourself to be, and if that isn't good enough for someone else, then they can hit the road. 



What to do with someone who won't go away: Ignore them!

There are just some people out there who just won't settle for "Goodbye," but rather they keep bugging the living daylights out of you because they can't properly let go. 

Some people don't get the gist of how dating goes.  If you don't feel like it's a match, move on, don't settle.  Why on earth would you make a life for yourself other than the one you want?

But there are those who want to settle for something, just something.  The Married or In A Relationship at once rather than at last.  There are some people out there who are wayyyy too clingy and cant let something that won't work out go. 

I don't call that pursuit of a mate, I call that settling and then making the other person miserable because you have to be miserable.  Misery loves company, but those of us who want balance in our lives don't want misery.  We want someone who has balance in their lives too.

So you had that first date, and you aren't feeling it.  What do you do?  You thank them for a nice time, and wish them luck.  What happens if they just won't go away?  Ignore the texts and phone calls, and be thankful they don't have your address.

If they keep bothering you, block their number, or put on the Caller ID "Do Not Answer- Name."

You have to find what works for you in order to get some peace and quiet.

The one thing you have to remember is be able to walk away with a clean conscious.  You don't have to be mean, you just simply aren't obligated to return a text or call after you have said your peace.  There is no need to "Go there."  Simply pack your little texting bag and get the hell out of there, and don't look back, no matter what.

If you are one of those who can't stop responding, then you need help, and it's not the help that a blog can satisfy. 

A lady makes sure to exit peacefully and with as little disruption to her life as possible, while saying goodbye to an uninteresting meeting.  If the person comes back with negative vibes, threats, or rude behavior, that's on them.  You don't have to respond. 

Guys: Have a little fashion sense, the girl is gonna look good, you should too.

This is probably the most common complaint I hear:  The girl made an effort, but the guy didn't.  Guys, would it kill you to wear clean jeans, non work clothes, take a bath???  Put a little effort into your clothes, you know she will.

This is no joke, the most common "bitch session" I hear from people.  The girl comes home from the date and she goes "Would it kill him to make an effort?  I wore heels, put a little make up on, and he wore a hoodie and work boots!" or something similar.

Guys, if you are going to a bar, a restaurant or something, the least you could do is take a shower and put clean clothes on.  But seriously, if it's a first or second date, you know she is going to make a bit of an effort in order to make a good impression.  You totally should make the same effort.  Do your hair, put on some clean clothes, wear some of your best shoes (not your church shoes), and some snazzy jeans and a nice shirt.  And maybe a little cologne (not a lot, but enough.  You don't need to bathe in the stuff). 

Ladies most assuredly will dress to the occasion by wearing something a little more than their work clothes, wearing heels possibly, a bit of make up (not too much), etc.  We always make an effort to make sure that our first impression matters.  Our greatest problem is usually the guys don't dress to the occasion, thus making it look like they didn't care, or worse that they are just humoring us or trying to get booty.

If you want to make a good first impression, make a little effort.  This also refers back to another post I made about the most hilarious comment I heard from a guy "I wish women weren't so detailed."  Trust us, we are, and we are watching what you do, what you wear and how you carry yourself.  If you want us to take you seriously, then take yourself seriously.

Patronizing a Woman

I'm putting this in, because I find it important for people to understand.

Women who have worked hard to be who they are do not want to be patronized. 

There are people in this world who either talk down to you, talk above you, or give you lip service just to get you to go away.  I can honestly say that it is the most infuriating thing on the planet in my book, and one that definitely deserves the rage I give the person that gives it to me.

A man who is interested in a woman should never patronize her in any fashion.  Vice versa for women.  If you are patronizing to people then you have the mindset that what you do, what you say, who you are and anything else about you is better than someone else, or that you know more about the situation than another person.  If you explain or teach what is going on, that is different.

But if you are doing it just to satiate someone else's situation, it is just infuriating. 

I used to date someone that was like that, and when I asked him to teach me it rather than withhold the information because I wouldn't understand it, he continued to withhold the information.

Let's just say, he is no longer in my life.

Educated people work hard to be where they are in life, and to be belittled is so rude.  I have worked for several years to be a person who wants to know what is going on and how can I remedy the situation in either the best fashion or the best fashion for my budget. 

I don't speak down to people because I have been taught it is super rude.  I teach the situation instead.  I work day in and day out for a group of people who are tired of the situation they are in and they just want to be through with the process they have been put through.  The last thing they want is someone to treat them like a child.  I tell them that when they get to me, that it will be easiest part of the process, it's just a waiting game.  They get a full set of instructions, with a check list and where to send their finished documents.  They are in control of their situation and they don't get frustrated at me because either I withhold information or don't explain things properly.  I give them the information they need.

Be conscious about what you are doing and how you are speaking to someone.  Give them the information they need to make sure that they don't get frustrated with you.  Be courteous and on the ball about what you do.  Don't make them feel like they have to beat it out of you to get the right answer or be insulted because you can't explain it properly. 

A Tribute to Singledom: Part 2

I write a tribute to those who are single for a single reason: to pay tribute to a community that isn't willing to just "get married."  To those who are holding out to find a person that makes them better than they are alone.  In the words of Aunt Alyssia in "Gigi"- "That instead of marrying at once, to marry ... at last."  To wait for that lasting relationship, if such is desired.  

Not everyone gets to meet the love of their life when they are young.  I won't call it fortunate to have done so, because everyone is fortunate in their lives, in lots of different ways.  But not everyone marries young, not everyone marries happy the first time.

I pay tribute to those who, though have not achieved it young, still holds out for the ideal relationship for them.  Knowing that there is a person that makes you better than you are alone.  A tribute to those who desire to marry and make it last, knowing that the decision they make is one of conscious choice rather than emotions and huge risk.  

It used to irritate me that people people kept asking me why I was still single, that I should just find a nice boy and settle down.  I even had a woman who had been married several times tell me that I should marry to have a man take care of me.  I told her that a man wasn't a priority, and that I could take care of myself.

It used to irritate me that people would ask my parents why I would go to college and not land a man.  I love that my parents backed me up and told them that finding a man wasn't the purpose of college. 

The "old-school," down-home, very traditional Southern mindset was that a woman married to have a man take care of her, to bare children, and to run her household.  Women didn't educate themselves any further than high school, if that.  Women were expected to support their families.  

But, the flip-side:  I'm not Southern.  I am a woman who was raised to stand on her own two legs, and never expect that a man SHOULD take care of her.  My grandmother was a trailblazer in her day and age.  Though she married for money, status and security with her first marriage, she soon realized that it wasn't enough.  In the 1930's, she was one of few women to file for divorce and raise a child as a single mother.  She married my grandfather, her second husband, after having been on her own for a while.  Though we can honestly say that it wasn't the perfect marriage, she was the person that my grandfather couldn't live without.  And neither of them married "at once," but rather "at last."

I found out after my grandmother had been widowed for over 15 years, that she had a love of her life and that it wasn't either of the men she married.  She turned him down because he was too short for her, but he cherished her.  

My grandmother insisted that I finish college, travel the world and pursue my dreams before getting sucked into family life.  I started traveling when I was 16, and have continued traveling to this day.  Hopefully, if this relationship continues to work out, we will continue traveling.  I love that she taught me to be so self reliant and self sufficient.  I love that she made me become who I am (with a little help from my mom, of course).

On the flip side of that, she encouraged, along with my mom, that I do everything early on in life because in order to do them later on in life would take an immense amount of strategy.  

But back to singledom:  It's nothing to be ashamed about, but rather something to celebrate.  If you aren't ready for babies, diapers, mass grocery shopping, coupons, colds, flu, and multiple rooms to clean that you didn't mess up, it's okay.  Celebrate it! Celebrate through doing things that aren't on that list.  Accomplish what you want.  Make a Singledom Bucket List!

What would you do if you had the funds and the time?  Would you take a cake decorating class? Travel the 7 seas?  Become a competition bartender? Go dancing til dawn?  Go to nerdy events?

Celebrate a life that isn't tied down to responsibility rather than moping as if singledom were something to be ashamed of or a holding bin until you found the right one.  Go enjoy your life.

Thank you! The blog hit 500 views!

Just a quick thank you to those who have been reading this blog.  Through your interest, the blog hit 500 views this afternoon (eastern standard time).  I am super excited that I get to share the crazy single life through the written word with people who enjoy reading about the single life and the struggle, but probably who relish not having to do it ever again. 

Thank you to the friend who originally inspired the blog.  I wish I could buy her dinner one night. 

But here's a toast to all of you!  Thank you for following along in this crazy world of singledom!

~Melisa

Guys: The Challenge

Guys: I challenge you to dating with integrity.

No, this does not refer to the book "Dating with integrity," however, runs along those lines.  Most women date for the "Happily Ever After."  What are you in the dating game for?

Be honest with yourself- if you are just in it to get the booty call, then do that.  But just do that, don't try and string a nice girl along for the joy ride and dump scenario.  It gets really old after a while, and thus makes the good girls really annoyed.

But if you are sincerely trying to date to find "The One," then date with that intention, and don't seal the deal or do anything that moves you into another level if that's not your intention with her.

In the Bible it says to "Run the race that is set before us."  Men, think of the woman of your dreams as your race.  She is your finish line.  You start that race with the intention to marry her.  You don't start that race and then not finish it.

The Bible also says to "Let your yes be yes and your no be no."  What that means is to be firm in your decision to date with intention and integrity.  If you have no intention on pursuing anything further, then you need to close that door.  Don't linger, don't continue texting, don't continue to put yourself in a position where you are making it look like you have a continued interest in her.

The guy that continues to linger- the guy who wants to be around, and make his presence known, but with no commitment, is a huge douche.  I dated one, three times.  Shame on me the first two times.  He spent 3 months on the phone with me, morning and night, Skyping, etc.  He was also out of state, and I had just gone through back surgery, so the recovery period for me was what was taking so long for the first date.  Anyways, we met, we had a great time together, etc.  And we had planned on a second visit, which never happened.  Then he slowed his calling, and then the calls stopped- they went to voicemail when I tried to find out what was going on.  We decided to remain friends, and did keep in touch over the years. 

Then I finished a really hard relationship, and he showed up about five (5) weeks later, and reclaimed my attention.  He led me to believe that "in a year" we would begin a future.  We went away for a weekend, and then a loss of a family member consumed his time.  Then he never came back.  I dated a few more people, and then told him that I was interested in more, and began to act that way.  He then shut that down permanently, at his choice.  He said he was firm about only wanting to remain friends.  Remember- His Choice!  I told him that based on his choice, I was going to close that door permanently.  I was no longer going to linger on that hope that he was going to come back and be the man I wanted him to be.  He had really hoped that I wouldn't burn the bridge, and to give him credit that he was upfront with me when he came back after my hard relationship, that he only wanted to continue a friendship.  Yeah, how he wanted to be friends was how I perceived a relationship.  So, with that, I told him that no credit was given, that I felt misled, and that I was permanently done with this situation.  I told him he was not allowed to contact me via email, text, phone or Facebook ever again.  I even blocked him from my Facebook page, along with the lovely friend that introduced us- I felt that her involvement and having had two strikes with people I had met from her was telling that I probably shouldn't be involved with her either.

Now, I have my new man, who took that challenge.  He is actively running the race to make me his finish line.  He's been upfront with me since Day One of his intentions, and he continues to show me that he intends to make me his finish line in the Great Race of Dating with Intention.

The discussions I've had with most couples that make it the distance in their marriage, are the ones where the man ran the race with intension.  A guy I knew proposed to his wife with a diary of their dates, with her engagement ring tied to a few pages in the back.  My parents were together since they were 14, and my mom was treated in such a decadent way, that she wanted no one else.  My grandfather, my dad's dad, wrote my grandmother love letters while he was away at war.  My cousin proposed to his wife, while they were in high school- the cheerleader and the football player- he proposed on a hill above the field on a Friday night that he was to play.  My cousin's mom eloped and was married for over 50 years. 

But these men ran with intentions on a finish line to have the woman they eagerly wanted at their side, at their side for the rest of their lives.  I don't know of a single story in that list that ended in divorce. 

Your love story doesn't have to be the grand soiree or the greatest dance ever, but it does have to be intentional, and that's what makes it special. 

Dating with integrity is merely dating with intention to make the one you want for now and forever your finish line.

I challenge you, men, to that race.