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Matchmaking: Dangerous road

I get the art of matchmaking, and I get that in this single world you need a friend to help you play "wingman" every once in a while.  Here's my thing, and this happened recently:

A friend of mine and I went out to dinner to a swanky place the other night, and he originally told me he wasn't interested in our young waitress, that I should stop asking about his pursuit of a friend of his (who I thought would make a great match for him, but apparently from what I'm picking up, she's a bit rude with him), etc.  So I didn't pursue anything in regards to any of that.  He and I had a great dinner, and all that jazz.

Then I find out he's interested in our waitress, wants to hit on her while we're at dinner, and while I'm trying to work some business with her and the event staff (long story).  I told him "NO!" to not even go there in my presence, that if he wanted to approach that at a later time, he was going to do it without me present. I was trying to conduct business and he was trying to work a little love connection in the mix..... BAD MIX.

The flaws of this theory:

1) I'm working business, you don't get in the middle of my conducting business.  It's rude to me, and it also distracts the staff from actually doing their job. 

2) If they are on the clock, they need to be making money for the company, not trying to get a hook up.  If I saw a staffer of mine trying to make a love connection on the clock, I would have a reprimand for them too.  They need to stay focused on their job.

3) If you haven't taken any advice I have dished out in the last few months, including requesting that you read an etiquette book, get a handkerchief for your running nose, and fix some personal hygiene issues, there's NO way I'm going to introduce you to a network of mine.

4) If I get shot down a few times, I'm not going to bother again.  I tried to encourage him to ask this beautiful girl out who was from a similar culture, and he couldn't get the nerve up, and when he did make an appearance, there was some seriously crossed messages from both sides.  I've also encouraged him to get connected with girls at the networking parties he goes to, and singles events.  Not to mention, he wants to date within a very specific culture range, and I don't have any single friends in that culture.  He needs to get a group of friends in that culture that provides that outlet.

There's just some seriously mixed messages coming from this friend, and there is no way I'm going near attempting to set him up again after he's thrown my suggestions to the wind.  There are some basics I've mentioned that he absolutely has to fix and he gets rather defensive about it all.

Should I set the friend up again? No. 

Should I attempt to help him flirt with my regular server? No.

Should I buy him a handkerchief collection? Maybe.

Should I buy him the etiquette book I recommended in April?  No, he's had enough time to buy that.

If you don't want my help in the small things, don't ask me for help in the big stuff.  I bow the hell out of it all.

A Proverbs 31 moment: A wife of virtue/noble character

Proverbs 31: 10-31 starts with "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies."

Another version says "virtuous" but we'll go with noble.

One of my earliest biographies I read was an autobiography on Agatha Christie (thanks Mom).  I picked her mainly because the book was purple and we had copies of Agatha Christie novels in the house.  I wasn't old enough to enjoy her writings just yet (murder mysteries, but I've read a huge portion of her writings since then).  But I read the biography and loved it immensely.  I only wish I had a copy of the book now. 

What makes a woman "Noble?"  Certainly by birth, but also by how she carries herself.  If you think of yourself as a "Lady" you'll be more likely to assume that disposition rather than treating yourself like trash and becoming it.

There is certainly more to life than physical virtue, but also by being discrete, well-mannered, inclusive of those around you, caring, concerned for the fellow man, and also by what you do.

A woman who can live her life in a way that honors the Lord is also certainly of Noble character.  A woman who doesn't seek wealth, lives within her means, helps support the friends and family she chooses to support (toxic people need to be excluded), and also seeking a life for herself that she enjoys.

A woman of Noble Character in her own right:

Agatha Christie met and married her first husband, Archibald Christie, who went off to war and all that.  While she was away and going through her mother's house after her death, he met someone else and they mutually agreed to separate (open to interpretation).  From her memoirs, it was a hard journey after the split, but she continued on with her writing and all that.  Though she missed him, she didn't dwell on any of the mistakes she made, she openly claimed him as the reason for the marriage dissolution. 

But that wasn't where her life ended.  She didn't stay a divorced woman.  She met and married someone else in her writing circles who enjoyed being 2nd fiddle to her fame.  He became her greatest love and companion in her life.  They lived life and traveled quite a bit in the time they had left.  She lived life abundantly, even after her first marriage imploded.

Max Mallowan, a recipient of the Commander of the British Empire in his own right, was her second husband, and you could tell in her writing how much she cherished him and vice versa.

I write all this to describe a woman who was driven to continue with life.  I think a Noble or Virtuous woman would certainly be those who could go on with life.

And yes, women who have lost a child and made a come back certainly fall in that category. 

A small tribute to my grandmother as well.  Though she never thought of herself as a woman ahead of her time, I would certainly put her in that category.  Having lost both parents before adulthood and being of a semi-wealthy family background, her first marriage was into a family of social standing in Southern California.  She aimed to marry for money, and she did.  However, the relationship soured.  She left him and filed for divorce (Can you believe it? She kept the plane ticket stubs from that flight.  She and I found them in a box more than 50 years later.)  She didn't let that keep her down as a divorced woman.  She got a job and raised her son.  My grandfather, her second husband, fell in love with this remarkable woman who could manage her life without him, but he soon found he couldn't be without her.  They married, and he took her son on as his own.  My grandmother continued to work off and on, while raising a family, but she did retire from a government job.  She continued to have little volunteer jobs throughout her life, including literacy lessons, and working for our church's library.  A donation fund in lieu of flowers was set up and ultimately paid for a Spanish library for the church. 

She also taught me over time to make something of myself independent of a man, and to see and enjoy the world.  She also taught me my passion for cemeteries.  I treasure her and the memories we made always, and keep her in my heart.  Her powder box of alabaster continues to be in a treasured spot in my home.

A Lady, a Noble woman, a Virtuous woman, certainly has drive to continue with life, who doesn't look at the past, who knows what needs to be done and does it.  Someone who has integrity, drive, financially savvy, and savvy with how to handle her household.  It may not always be right in the eyes of society, but if she can sleep at the end of the day, it was done right by her.

Be a woman who defines herself, rather than letting life define you.  Even if you have already started a path of bad decisions, you can always stop and change your stars (movie reference), you can always make better decisions for yourself and your family.

If you are single, and heading down a path of destruction (drinking too much, too many men in your life), you can always make the decision of when that is going to stop.  If you need help to do it, ask someone you trust.  I think I have been able to stay out of that mess by merely having a group of friends who don't indulge in those situations.  You can make different decisions.  You don't have to treat yourself like trash because someone else chose to. 

You can make a definition for your life.  A Noble Woman defines herself.

This crown is that of Lady Diana Spencer.  A woman, who after she discovered her actual role in the Royal Family as only the mother to the heir and spare, made her own life out of what she wanted to see in the world.  Her legacy still lives on. 

The jewels in your own crown are that of your own making.  Think on that.

To live life abundantly

People this time of year get down of things that are going on or in general just dwell on the negative.

I've explained this to several people this week: When you have been that person that has had to face so many disclaimers of death and doom, you get to a point where dwelling on the negative is worthless.  And I think God would agree.

Due to a birth defect, I wasn't supposed to live to adulthood, but with God directing my treatment and my doctors, I am thriving through life.  All surgeries come with the disclaimer of "This surgery could cause death" and I've been through 6 in my lifetime.  Even coming home from Europe every time has required me to file an emergency contact with the airlines, per US International Flight regulations, in case my flight doesn't make it.  I would say that death has been flown in my face enough for me to go "Who cares!"

So, I've been taught to live life and live it abundantly, and it pains me when people live in a fashion where they are absorbed with self-pity, tons of guilt or fear.  Why bother?  Isn't there something better awaiting you? 

You don't have to go skydiving, bridge jumping, or base jumping.  You certainly don't have to tempt fate to cause death, but you shouldn't fear what you've either been called to do or invited to do.

I have a friend who was kidnapped by her friends for her birthday and taken skydiving.  Though there were some really odd stories for the drop back to planet, she wasn't going to freak out and thoroughly not go through with it.  She said she would do it again if someone invited her.

The world isn't going to break if you step outside of your "norm."  Have some fun, live life as God intended. 

One of my guy friends isn't quite sure what to do with himself after something corrective has been said, and he dwells on it for so long after the fact, but I told him "I'm merely pointing something out, I'm not flogging you because something happened.  I'm merely showing you how to take care of the issue, and then go on with your day."  Life is WAY too short to focus on the negative, the guilt and the pain. 

Trust me, if I focused on self guilt or pity, I would never leave my house.  Rather, I want to get out an enjoy life, and I continue to do so.  I see no reason to continue to wallow in guilt, shame or pity.

You sincerely need to make your life what it is, I can't make that happen for you but I do know that God wouldn't want us to wallow in life.  Though Jesus didn't go white water rafting or skydiving, it doesn't mean that we can't.  Though following Jesus' path includes the cross, he's already been there for us.  Leave it there, and continue on with life.  You will gain nothing if you maintain the pity, shame and guilt. 

Time: What to do with your time (more to time than marriage, men, and crappy situations)

I'm coming across a lot of people who have no concept of being themselves outside of a relationship or definition of being part of family and not seeking life outside of what they define as normal.  I find it really uncomfortable to try and understand people who don't want to find things beyond their own little world.  There is more to life than a man, a baby, a marriage, and family that drives you crazy.  There has to be more to life than just a life of growing up, getting married, making babies, helping them grow up, get married, have babies, etc.  The cycle of life is only a bit of what the Good Lord provided for us to enjoy.

I find comfort in learning and doing.  If I'm not learning, I'm not living.  I love to travel, cook, go to dinner with friends, spend time with my mom and my precious nephew- and teach him new things.  I love to ride the metros of the places I travel to, I love to find neat places to eat and learn about what I'm eating.  I love to try new wines, meet new people, and to enjoy things that are created by others.  I also like to spend time in cemeteries learning about the past and who I am in relation to the past.

It blows my mind that people do the same thing day after day after day, wanting to just watch movies, play video games, do the family circuit, and be caught up in the constant demand of mediocrity.  If I had to constantly live up to those standards, I think I would just lose my mind.

As grown adults, there is life outside of work, family, friends and just a regular schedule.  Try it sometime, it's liberating.  I keep telling my beau that there is more to life than a set schedule, and if I had to keep repeating what I was going to do day to day, I was going to lose it.  There is more to life than a set schedule of what I do.  That should go for everyone. 

Sometimes a friend needs you, or their family needs you while they are out for the count.  I spent 3 early mornings at the bedside of a friend in the ICU and helped her family figure out some stuff since she was the primary caregiver for the entire family.  I'm honored that I was given access to come sit with her, and I'm glad she's back to the human being I knew.  What if I had said "I'm sorry, my schedule is booked up." and she died?  I would never have forgiven myself for abandoning her and her darling family.

Sometimes you just need girl talk.

But don't lose touch with who you are, what you like, what you like to do.  Keep enjoying life as you want to.  I don't think it helps that people lose who they are after they grow up or get involved with the family demands.  I think there are times you have to stop and say "I need to find out who I am again." or "I need to start trying things that sound interesting to me, no excuses."

I think knowing who you are makes all the difference to yourself and to others.  It helps you advocate for what you need, what you want to do, and I think it also helps with friends when it comes to resources you may have networks to and such as well. 

It just blows my mind that people can't function outside their own little box.  To me, I think that lacks adaptation, and for me it's frustrating.  I go and do a lot, and I wish there were others who did the same.  I like to find out what other people are doing and trying, and maybe I might be able to join in.

So some things to try:

Wine tasting

Cooking Classes

Reading a nerd book (history, biography, something deep)

Going to a restaurant that intrigues you

Walking through a grocery store you've never been to before

Watching a Cooking Show

Going to a Nerdy Adult event at a museum

Go Bowling

Learn cake decorating

Taste beers

Learn how to make something

Go to a Museum and see a new exhibit

Try a new place

Try a different bar

Mix it up, and get with the living and learning bit of your life.



Relationships: In General

My mom calls it "friends in spots."  There is a time and a usefulness for every relationship, and sometimes those relationships run their course.

There are people in life you meet that you know will be a great friend for you, no matter how long they are in your life, and then there are people you are not so sure of.  The ones you aren't sure of, find out what they contribute to your life or get rid of them.  Friends that are either using you, abusing you or your time, or causing other issues don't belong in your life. 

It's the same as dating relationships, if there isn't growth, it needs to be gone.  A relationship that doesn't grow either gets stale or needs to dissipate in some fashion.

Once a "friend" or someone on your acquaintance level has broken general rules of etiquette or friendship- sleeping with an ex of yours, criticizes you for things you are doing -like your job, your food, your hobbies, etc; it is time to schedule their departure.

People who cause me grief in my life aren't worth my time.  I cannot spend time trying to fix something someone else won't care to fix on their own- themselves.  If they have bad etiquette or are harboring hostile behavior towards you, the best thing you can do is shut it down, immediately.

My mom always said "Don't let them live rent-free in your head."  And expulsion from your social circle is the best way to address that.

Love and Work: How to maintain the balance within work hours and communication

Everybody wants to talk to their love all day long, you just can't get enough of their company.  However, there has to be some balance between work and love and how much time to invest in both. 

In the "Devil Wears Prada" Nigel says "Let me know when your whole life goes up in smoke Means it's time for a promotion."  Don't become that person that burns out either at work or in your personal life.  But also find time to do both.

I have to work, that's how I pay my bills, buy my clothes, pay for my car to be fixed, and have that glorious city life everyone wants (LOL).  Working is not an option, and I truly enjoy what I do.  I also, on the other hand, also have to maintain sanity for both situations, in my professional life and my personal life. 

My boyfriend knows that I have to work, and we discussed that I can't be texting all day long.  I have to focus on my work while I'm at work, and I make time for our phone calls in the evenings when I'm either on my way home from work or at home.  One or the other, but I can't focus on both.

You have to set boundaries that work for your relationship, or at least for you.  If you are single and having to do the first date ritual time and time again, of texting before the date, you have to set ground rules.  If you receive a text at work, you either leave it til later, or let them know that you will be available after work and that you cannot conduct business on work hours.  Chances are they will do the same to you if you text them in the middle of the work day.  People that cannot accept the work day boundary aren't worth your time.  You have to have some sort of sanity when you are work.  You have to draw that line of personal and professional.

My job relies on my productivity, so when I'm distracted by something else it costs the company time and money.  So when I have thousands of texts coming through from a potential relationship, that's costing my company major bucks.  If that's your situation, you need to explain that to your potential date.  You need to put the lid on anti-productivity measures.  If they continue to bother you, you need to put your phone on silent or place it in your purse so that you aren't distracted.

Phone calls: I can take small calls when I'm at work, not the leisurely ones I have with my beau in the evenings.  Sometimes we chat during the day so that we aren't miscommunicating on big things we are in the middle of (tickets to Biltmore, car purchasing, etc). 

You need to 1) find the balance for yourself; and 2) find the balance for your relationship.

My theory for my life is that if it interferes with my 1) Sanity; 2) Family; or 3) Work; it simply gets cut from my time.  I don't mess around with my paycheck, my sanity, and my family.  Find the balance, find a way to do what you need to do.