If you are really interested, you would be in constant communication

This is your best weapon in the battle for the heart, if you are unable to be together.  Use it!

As Patti Stanger said, "You should be on his mind all the time."  "You should be on his calendar on the important nights of the week: Friday and Saturday."

Guys: If you actually like someone, don't play it cool.  Don't be their friend, don't just tip toe around them.  Do something about it.  If you really find someone interesting, you will make a point to be in their lives.

A friend of mine recently told me that a guy that she was interested in waited 10 days to call her while on a business trip.  Um, not a good footing there.  It gives us (women) time to rethink you.  If you don't want to be an afterthought, don't be.  Make a point to share some of your day with her, each day.

Don't be a pest, and respect her work time, but make sure you make a concerted effort to let her know you are on her mind, in a non creepy fashion.

Don't linger too long, you will be kicked to the curb if you wait too long.

A Proverbs 31 moment: A wife of virtue/noble character

Proverbs 31: 10-31 starts with "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies."

Another version says "virtuous" but we'll go with noble.

One of my earliest biographies I read was an autobiography on Agatha Christie (thanks Mom).  I picked her mainly because the book was purple and we had copies of Agatha Christie novels in the house.  I wasn't old enough to enjoy her writings just yet (murder mysteries, but I've read a huge portion of her writings since then).  But I read the biography and loved it immensely.  I only wish I had a copy of the book now. 

What makes a woman "Noble?"  Certainly by birth, but also by how she carries herself.  If you think of yourself as a "Lady" you'll be more likely to assume that disposition rather than treating yourself like trash and becoming it.

There is certainly more to life than physical virtue, but also by being discrete, well-mannered, inclusive of those around you, caring, concerned for the fellow man, and also by what you do.

A woman who can live her life in a way that honors the Lord is also certainly of Noble character.  A woman who doesn't seek wealth, lives within her means, helps support the friends and family she chooses to support (toxic people need to be excluded), and also seeking a life for herself that she enjoys.

A woman of Noble Character in her own right:

Agatha Christie met and married her first husband, Archibald Christie, who went off to war and all that.  While she was away and going through her mother's house after her death, he met someone else and they mutually agreed to separate (open to interpretation).  From her memoirs, it was a hard journey after the split, but she continued on with her writing and all that.  Though she missed him, she didn't dwell on any of the mistakes she made, she openly claimed him as the reason for the marriage dissolution. 

But that wasn't where her life ended.  She didn't stay a divorced woman.  She met and married someone else in her writing circles who enjoyed being 2nd fiddle to her fame.  He became her greatest love and companion in her life.  They lived life and traveled quite a bit in the time they had left.  She lived life abundantly, even after her first marriage imploded.

Max Mallowan, a recipient of the Commander of the British Empire in his own right, was her second husband, and you could tell in her writing how much she cherished him and vice versa.

I write all this to describe a woman who was driven to continue with life.  I think a Noble or Virtuous woman would certainly be those who could go on with life.

And yes, women who have lost a child and made a come back certainly fall in that category. 

A small tribute to my grandmother as well.  Though she never thought of herself as a woman ahead of her time, I would certainly put her in that category.  Having lost both parents before adulthood and being of a semi-wealthy family background, her first marriage was into a family of social standing in Southern California.  She aimed to marry for money, and she did.  However, the relationship soured.  She left him and filed for divorce (Can you believe it? She kept the plane ticket stubs from that flight.  She and I found them in a box more than 50 years later.)  She didn't let that keep her down as a divorced woman.  She got a job and raised her son.  My grandfather, her second husband, fell in love with this remarkable woman who could manage her life without him, but he soon found he couldn't be without her.  They married, and he took her son on as his own.  My grandmother continued to work off and on, while raising a family, but she did retire from a government job.  She continued to have little volunteer jobs throughout her life, including literacy lessons, and working for our church's library.  A donation fund in lieu of flowers was set up and ultimately paid for a Spanish library for the church. 

She also taught me over time to make something of myself independent of a man, and to see and enjoy the world.  She also taught me my passion for cemeteries.  I treasure her and the memories we made always, and keep her in my heart.  Her powder box of alabaster continues to be in a treasured spot in my home.

A Lady, a Noble woman, a Virtuous woman, certainly has drive to continue with life, who doesn't look at the past, who knows what needs to be done and does it.  Someone who has integrity, drive, financially savvy, and savvy with how to handle her household.  It may not always be right in the eyes of society, but if she can sleep at the end of the day, it was done right by her.

Be a woman who defines herself, rather than letting life define you.  Even if you have already started a path of bad decisions, you can always stop and change your stars (movie reference), you can always make better decisions for yourself and your family.

If you are single, and heading down a path of destruction (drinking too much, too many men in your life), you can always make the decision of when that is going to stop.  If you need help to do it, ask someone you trust.  I think I have been able to stay out of that mess by merely having a group of friends who don't indulge in those situations.  You can make different decisions.  You don't have to treat yourself like trash because someone else chose to. 

You can make a definition for your life.  A Noble Woman defines herself.

This crown is that of Lady Diana Spencer.  A woman, who after she discovered her actual role in the Royal Family as only the mother to the heir and spare, made her own life out of what she wanted to see in the world.  Her legacy still lives on. 

The jewels in your own crown are that of your own making.  Think on that.

What to do with someone who won't go away: Ignore them!

There are just some people out there who just won't settle for "Goodbye," but rather they keep bugging the living daylights out of you because they can't properly let go. 

Some people don't get the gist of how dating goes.  If you don't feel like it's a match, move on, don't settle.  Why on earth would you make a life for yourself other than the one you want?

But there are those who want to settle for something, just something.  The Married or In A Relationship at once rather than at last.  There are some people out there who are wayyyy too clingy and cant let something that won't work out go. 

I don't call that pursuit of a mate, I call that settling and then making the other person miserable because you have to be miserable.  Misery loves company, but those of us who want balance in our lives don't want misery.  We want someone who has balance in their lives too.

So you had that first date, and you aren't feeling it.  What do you do?  You thank them for a nice time, and wish them luck.  What happens if they just won't go away?  Ignore the texts and phone calls, and be thankful they don't have your address.

If they keep bothering you, block their number, or put on the Caller ID "Do Not Answer- Name."

You have to find what works for you in order to get some peace and quiet.

The one thing you have to remember is be able to walk away with a clean conscious.  You don't have to be mean, you just simply aren't obligated to return a text or call after you have said your peace.  There is no need to "Go there."  Simply pack your little texting bag and get the hell out of there, and don't look back, no matter what.

If you are one of those who can't stop responding, then you need help, and it's not the help that a blog can satisfy. 

A lady makes sure to exit peacefully and with as little disruption to her life as possible, while saying goodbye to an uninteresting meeting.  If the person comes back with negative vibes, threats, or rude behavior, that's on them.  You don't have to respond. 

Guys: Have a little fashion sense, the girl is gonna look good, you should too.

This is probably the most common complaint I hear:  The girl made an effort, but the guy didn't.  Guys, would it kill you to wear clean jeans, non work clothes, take a bath???  Put a little effort into your clothes, you know she will.

This is no joke, the most common "bitch session" I hear from people.  The girl comes home from the date and she goes "Would it kill him to make an effort?  I wore heels, put a little make up on, and he wore a hoodie and work boots!" or something similar.

Guys, if you are going to a bar, a restaurant or something, the least you could do is take a shower and put clean clothes on.  But seriously, if it's a first or second date, you know she is going to make a bit of an effort in order to make a good impression.  You totally should make the same effort.  Do your hair, put on some clean clothes, wear some of your best shoes (not your church shoes), and some snazzy jeans and a nice shirt.  And maybe a little cologne (not a lot, but enough.  You don't need to bathe in the stuff). 

Ladies most assuredly will dress to the occasion by wearing something a little more than their work clothes, wearing heels possibly, a bit of make up (not too much), etc.  We always make an effort to make sure that our first impression matters.  Our greatest problem is usually the guys don't dress to the occasion, thus making it look like they didn't care, or worse that they are just humoring us or trying to get booty.

If you want to make a good first impression, make a little effort.  This also refers back to another post I made about the most hilarious comment I heard from a guy "I wish women weren't so detailed."  Trust us, we are, and we are watching what you do, what you wear and how you carry yourself.  If you want us to take you seriously, then take yourself seriously.

Patronizing a Woman

I'm putting this in, because I find it important for people to understand.

Women who have worked hard to be who they are do not want to be patronized. 

There are people in this world who either talk down to you, talk above you, or give you lip service just to get you to go away.  I can honestly say that it is the most infuriating thing on the planet in my book, and one that definitely deserves the rage I give the person that gives it to me.

A man who is interested in a woman should never patronize her in any fashion.  Vice versa for women.  If you are patronizing to people then you have the mindset that what you do, what you say, who you are and anything else about you is better than someone else, or that you know more about the situation than another person.  If you explain or teach what is going on, that is different.

But if you are doing it just to satiate someone else's situation, it is just infuriating. 

I used to date someone that was like that, and when I asked him to teach me it rather than withhold the information because I wouldn't understand it, he continued to withhold the information.

Let's just say, he is no longer in my life.

Educated people work hard to be where they are in life, and to be belittled is so rude.  I have worked for several years to be a person who wants to know what is going on and how can I remedy the situation in either the best fashion or the best fashion for my budget. 

I don't speak down to people because I have been taught it is super rude.  I teach the situation instead.  I work day in and day out for a group of people who are tired of the situation they are in and they just want to be through with the process they have been put through.  The last thing they want is someone to treat them like a child.  I tell them that when they get to me, that it will be easiest part of the process, it's just a waiting game.  They get a full set of instructions, with a check list and where to send their finished documents.  They are in control of their situation and they don't get frustrated at me because either I withhold information or don't explain things properly.  I give them the information they need.

Be conscious about what you are doing and how you are speaking to someone.  Give them the information they need to make sure that they don't get frustrated with you.  Be courteous and on the ball about what you do.  Don't make them feel like they have to beat it out of you to get the right answer or be insulted because you can't explain it properly. 

A Tribute to Singledom: Part 2

I write a tribute to those who are single for a single reason: to pay tribute to a community that isn't willing to just "get married."  To those who are holding out to find a person that makes them better than they are alone.  In the words of Aunt Alyssia in "Gigi"- "That instead of marrying at once, to marry ... at last."  To wait for that lasting relationship, if such is desired.  

Not everyone gets to meet the love of their life when they are young.  I won't call it fortunate to have done so, because everyone is fortunate in their lives, in lots of different ways.  But not everyone marries young, not everyone marries happy the first time.

I pay tribute to those who, though have not achieved it young, still holds out for the ideal relationship for them.  Knowing that there is a person that makes you better than you are alone.  A tribute to those who desire to marry and make it last, knowing that the decision they make is one of conscious choice rather than emotions and huge risk.  

It used to irritate me that people people kept asking me why I was still single, that I should just find a nice boy and settle down.  I even had a woman who had been married several times tell me that I should marry to have a man take care of me.  I told her that a man wasn't a priority, and that I could take care of myself.

It used to irritate me that people would ask my parents why I would go to college and not land a man.  I love that my parents backed me up and told them that finding a man wasn't the purpose of college. 

The "old-school," down-home, very traditional Southern mindset was that a woman married to have a man take care of her, to bare children, and to run her household.  Women didn't educate themselves any further than high school, if that.  Women were expected to support their families.  

But, the flip-side:  I'm not Southern.  I am a woman who was raised to stand on her own two legs, and never expect that a man SHOULD take care of her.  My grandmother was a trailblazer in her day and age.  Though she married for money, status and security with her first marriage, she soon realized that it wasn't enough.  In the 1930's, she was one of few women to file for divorce and raise a child as a single mother.  She married my grandfather, her second husband, after having been on her own for a while.  Though we can honestly say that it wasn't the perfect marriage, she was the person that my grandfather couldn't live without.  And neither of them married "at once," but rather "at last."

I found out after my grandmother had been widowed for over 15 years, that she had a love of her life and that it wasn't either of the men she married.  She turned him down because he was too short for her, but he cherished her.  

My grandmother insisted that I finish college, travel the world and pursue my dreams before getting sucked into family life.  I started traveling when I was 16, and have continued traveling to this day.  Hopefully, if this relationship continues to work out, we will continue traveling.  I love that she taught me to be so self reliant and self sufficient.  I love that she made me become who I am (with a little help from my mom, of course).

On the flip side of that, she encouraged, along with my mom, that I do everything early on in life because in order to do them later on in life would take an immense amount of strategy.  

But back to singledom:  It's nothing to be ashamed about, but rather something to celebrate.  If you aren't ready for babies, diapers, mass grocery shopping, coupons, colds, flu, and multiple rooms to clean that you didn't mess up, it's okay.  Celebrate it! Celebrate through doing things that aren't on that list.  Accomplish what you want.  Make a Singledom Bucket List!

What would you do if you had the funds and the time?  Would you take a cake decorating class? Travel the 7 seas?  Become a competition bartender? Go dancing til dawn?  Go to nerdy events?

Celebrate a life that isn't tied down to responsibility rather than moping as if singledom were something to be ashamed of or a holding bin until you found the right one.  Go enjoy your life.

A Tribute to Singledom

Ladies: The Challenge

There was a challenge for the guys, now there is a challenge for the ladies.  If you want a man to date with intent, you also need to do so.

If you want a guy to date you with intent, then you need to compose yourself like you intend to date with intent too. 

Don't be that girl that dresses up for the red light district, complete with hooker shoes, short skirts and lots of make up.  If you want a guy to take you seriously, dress and act like you want to be treated.

Ladies, compose yourself as ladies first of all.  A man knows what to do with a hooker, be something other than that.  Be someone who expects to be treated well, to expect a conversation, to expect doors to be opened for you, to have the bill paid by your date, and someone who brings more to the table than a drop dead gorgeous body and heels. 

I'm not saying to point that out to him, a lady doesn't criticize a man for their bad manners, but helps guide things.  Just wait until he makes the "duh" move.  *Most good boys already know how to do this without being prompted.  My man's mama trained him well.

Dress accordingly:  Dress according to the restaurant or event, not the man.  A man will always want a short skirt, 5 inch heels and hooker red lipstick.  A classy lady dresses according to the occasion- if it's a bar, jeans and a nice shirt; if it's a museum, a little more than that; tennis shoes only when necessary; and as little make up as possible.  If you have a furious flaw that you can't stand, then go ahead, but otherwise, as little as possible.  Good girls don't wear makeup you have to scrap off with a shovel at the end of the night.  No "Coyote Ugly" here.  Be real, be fresh, be yourself.

Appropriate discussions:  Hookers will talk about anything just to get paid.  Ladies discuss intelligent things, have a wide range of knowledge, hobbies, interests, and skills.  A lady keeps the discussion above board, is discreet when needed, and tries to guide the discussion back to things that are acceptable at a family dinner table when they have been diverted from. 

What you talk like will reflect on how he thinks about you.  If you talk trash, you stay trashy in his book.  If you can discuss non-trashy topics, he'll remember that.

What a man wants out of a good girl:  First of all, you don't have to be a good girl to compose yourself properly.  Everyone has a past by the time they are 25 or older.  However, if you want to be treated in a particular way, then act a particular way.  A man who is looking for a good girl is looking for someone to be his best friend, who can carry on a conversation, who can make him better than he is alone.  He's looking for someone who can take care of herself and her man with little effort.  A woman who can control her world rather than her world controlling her.

When at a restaurant:  Don't waste the time of your waiter- you aren't there to spend time with them.  Be prompt, be ready. Look at an online menu before you go so that you can be ready to roll and spend time with the guy you are dating rather than the menu and the waiter.  Know what you want to drink before you get there.  And know that if the date isn't what you thought it would be and you need to dash- pay at the bar and leave.  Be ready to foot your bill.  A lady is ready for anything.

When out and about: be ready to know something about where you are going.  Be his tour guide.  Know how to navigate where you are going.  *I took my new man to the Mint Museum.  I had been dying to see this fabulous chandelier there for years.  I had seen a documentary on the artist, and then I also knew a bit about art mediums and artists, so as we went through the museum, I could look at pieces and talk about them with him.  I turned him on to an art aspect that I love and adore.

I'm not suggesting to do that much research on art, if you aren't into art.  I just happen to have that much exposure to art, because I love it and have a college background in it. 

Take him somewhere that interests you.  If you like food, teach him about food; if you like shoes, take him to a shoe exhibition; if you like baseball, ... you get the idea. 

If you go shopping: Be conscious of what you are doing and what you are spending.  Only spend what you can feel comfortable spending if it was your own budget.  Letting him know you can manage your money is a huge turn on for guys.  *My guy when we go out shopping, I only let him spend about $100 on me at a time.  I can't emotionally go over that mark, unless I'm buying something planned. 

If there are big purchases to be made: discuss them first, do your research.  Don't walk into an expensive commitment without knowing what it is first.  (jewelry, cost of maintenance, big furniture- where does it go and function).  I already know that I cannot maintain a house on my own, so I rent.  I know I don't want to do Christmas yard decorations, so I don't.  I did my research on a collector's bracelet he wanted to get me so that I knew what I was looking it and not spending over what I was comfortable wearing on my wrist. 

If you are shopping for him:  Don't try to make him better than he is, just polish him up a bit.  If you don't like what you are working with, be a lady and separate yourself from someone you cannot work with, period, end of statement.  Nothing is ruder than trying to make him something he is not.

On the other hand, shop with him, see what he likes, see if he's ever tried something, and see what you can polish up.  Or just occasionally.  Don't try to force him to wear a suit all the time if he works in jeans and a t-shirt.

I will say this, if he buys you something, thank him and cherish him for the thought- even if it doesn't fit.  He made a huge effort to try, and that makes a huge difference.  My man did, and missed my size by about 4 sizes (too small).  I was touched, but I also told him what my actual size was and what I liked.... so, trying to guide him in the right direction.  ;)

Men like to be taken care of.  But here's the catch, they want to be taken care of properly, not in a fake way.  Be genuine, thank them, be verbal about your appreciation for them or find some way to let them know that you appreciate them for who they are.  Men are very motivated to hear words of encouragement when they are doing what you like, love or cherish.  Don't ever forget that. 

On a personal note, I absolutely suck at personal affirmation.  I am upfront and honest about it.  What I do instead, I buy him cards that can express that better than I can so that he can have a collection of loving words from me, on paper, to remind him that he makes my world grander than I was by myself. 

Just as much as Dating with Intention on the guys side is important, it is that much more important for a woman.  Don't be that girl that dates a guy for his money or assets, or future earnings.  Date him and cherish him for who he is. 

Guys: The Challenge

Guys: I challenge you to dating with integrity.

No, this does not refer to the book "Dating with integrity," however, runs along those lines.  Most women date for the "Happily Ever After."  What are you in the dating game for?

Be honest with yourself- if you are just in it to get the booty call, then do that.  But just do that, don't try and string a nice girl along for the joy ride and dump scenario.  It gets really old after a while, and thus makes the good girls really annoyed.

But if you are sincerely trying to date to find "The One," then date with that intention, and don't seal the deal or do anything that moves you into another level if that's not your intention with her.

In the Bible it says to "Run the race that is set before us."  Men, think of the woman of your dreams as your race.  She is your finish line.  You start that race with the intention to marry her.  You don't start that race and then not finish it.

The Bible also says to "Let your yes be yes and your no be no."  What that means is to be firm in your decision to date with intention and integrity.  If you have no intention on pursuing anything further, then you need to close that door.  Don't linger, don't continue texting, don't continue to put yourself in a position where you are making it look like you have a continued interest in her.

The guy that continues to linger- the guy who wants to be around, and make his presence known, but with no commitment, is a huge douche.  I dated one, three times.  Shame on me the first two times.  He spent 3 months on the phone with me, morning and night, Skyping, etc.  He was also out of state, and I had just gone through back surgery, so the recovery period for me was what was taking so long for the first date.  Anyways, we met, we had a great time together, etc.  And we had planned on a second visit, which never happened.  Then he slowed his calling, and then the calls stopped- they went to voicemail when I tried to find out what was going on.  We decided to remain friends, and did keep in touch over the years. 

Then I finished a really hard relationship, and he showed up about five (5) weeks later, and reclaimed my attention.  He led me to believe that "in a year" we would begin a future.  We went away for a weekend, and then a loss of a family member consumed his time.  Then he never came back.  I dated a few more people, and then told him that I was interested in more, and began to act that way.  He then shut that down permanently, at his choice.  He said he was firm about only wanting to remain friends.  Remember- His Choice!  I told him that based on his choice, I was going to close that door permanently.  I was no longer going to linger on that hope that he was going to come back and be the man I wanted him to be.  He had really hoped that I wouldn't burn the bridge, and to give him credit that he was upfront with me when he came back after my hard relationship, that he only wanted to continue a friendship.  Yeah, how he wanted to be friends was how I perceived a relationship.  So, with that, I told him that no credit was given, that I felt misled, and that I was permanently done with this situation.  I told him he was not allowed to contact me via email, text, phone or Facebook ever again.  I even blocked him from my Facebook page, along with the lovely friend that introduced us- I felt that her involvement and having had two strikes with people I had met from her was telling that I probably shouldn't be involved with her either.

Now, I have my new man, who took that challenge.  He is actively running the race to make me his finish line.  He's been upfront with me since Day One of his intentions, and he continues to show me that he intends to make me his finish line in the Great Race of Dating with Intention.

The discussions I've had with most couples that make it the distance in their marriage, are the ones where the man ran the race with intension.  A guy I knew proposed to his wife with a diary of their dates, with her engagement ring tied to a few pages in the back.  My parents were together since they were 14, and my mom was treated in such a decadent way, that she wanted no one else.  My grandfather, my dad's dad, wrote my grandmother love letters while he was away at war.  My cousin proposed to his wife, while they were in high school- the cheerleader and the football player- he proposed on a hill above the field on a Friday night that he was to play.  My cousin's mom eloped and was married for over 50 years. 

But these men ran with intentions on a finish line to have the woman they eagerly wanted at their side, at their side for the rest of their lives.  I don't know of a single story in that list that ended in divorce. 

Your love story doesn't have to be the grand soiree or the greatest dance ever, but it does have to be intentional, and that's what makes it special. 

Dating with integrity is merely dating with intention to make the one you want for now and forever your finish line.

I challenge you, men, to that race.