Dating, with children.....

I can honestly say that dating someone with little people (their own, or extended family) is tough because of the emotional connection you build with the child while you are seeing that person.  I dated someone for 18 months, who had nieces that were regularly around.  When I walked away from the relationship, my heart ached for the children because Auntie was no longer there.  My nephew was rather resilient when the break up occurred.  He never mentioned my ex-boyfriend again. 

Children are little entities all to themselves, enter their world and it could affect them for life, or leave a permanent void.  I always hope that when I do meet children, through friends, dating, etc, that I may impact them for the good and not the bad.  

Dating and being introduced to children of your partner is especially something not to take lightly.  You may need a good warm bed buddy, but that child comes first and foremost, no matter what.  That child deserves to know that their parent will place people in their little lives for a purpose, not a hit and run.  That child deserves to know that no matter how much time their parent spends with their new partner, that they always get time with their parent too.  A child should never feel the need to compete with the new partner.  Their world comes first, including their little schedules, school and whatever custody arrangement you have with their other parent.  Be a parent first, not a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

I was on a date earlier this year, and my date's phone rang, and rang, and rang, and rang.  I said "Your phone keeps ringing, is it something important?"  He said, "It's my daughter."  I stopped cold.  I said "Answer your phone if it's your daughter!"  Now mind you, she was 18 or 19, I don't remember, but from what I remember of those years, that's when my relationship with my dad really began to take shape.  It stunned me that he wouldn't answer the phone and it was his daughter.  His ex, maybe, but his daughter? 

I only saw him a few more times after that, but I just couldn't get it out of my mind that our date was more important than his daughter.  She was finishing her first year of college and she wanted to talk to her dad. 

Another part of introducing kids to dating partners is establishing respect between the parent, the partner and the child.  Would you want your child back-talking to your partner? or vice versa?  Though with some adjustment comes some sort of angst, there needs to be a line of respect drawn in the sand for all involved.  If you are in a new relationship, is it appropriate for your child to see you in bed with another woman other than mommy?  How many women have they seen you in bed with? Does Mom have a lot of guys over?  A parent must remain the master of his home by conducting themselves in a manner that won't put their house into a topsy turvy manner.  Not to mention, children also have wagging tongues.  Whatever you do gets reported to the other parent.  Which may cause the other parent to talk about the new partner in an unflattering light.  Be careful about the little eyes and ears, for they see all and repeat all.  

Separated but Dating: Is this a good idea?

Think about this for a moment: You are unraveling one relationship, but you also desire to begin another one. Would you consider this a smart move? Given your emotional state, legal status, and the claim that your legal spouse still has on you, while you are attempting to start another relationship?  Not to mention if you have children...

If you are dating, and the other person is not married, are they thinking of this: 

To put it in perspective from a singleton's point of view: Is it fair to your spouse that you are divorcing, but still married to, or to the person you are dating, but can't marry, to begin a relationship with someone outside your marriage while you are going through a divorce? 

How would you feel if your daughter were going through a divorce and her husband already had the next one lined up?  Would you encourage a friend to see someone else while they are still married?

Well, to put a legal spin on it: there are currently seven states that still recognize legal action against the third party that is thought to be the failure of the marriage- regardless of whether they are in fact the reason.  Hawaii, North Carolina, Illinois, Mississippi, New Mexico, South Dakota and Utah still have this civil law on the books and allow lawsuits for it, called "Alienation of Affection."

Simply put, if a woman is dating a married man, she could get sued, or vice versa.  Would you really want to put someone through that?  

The dating website I am on, I see a lot of separated men, and usually with children.  

Here's my perspective on the whole separating but dating idea: Don't do it.  Don't put yourself at risk, don't put your dating partner at risk, don't put your kids at risk.  What if something goes south? What if it shows up in the divorce litigation? What if your spouse sues your dating partner?  There are just so many things that can go wrong with this path.

Get divorced, then date.  It makes the lines of your life so much clearer, and you can make your intentions to your dating partner much clearer that way.  Don't keep a single woman dangling because your divorce isn't finished.  

Would I date a separated man? No.  I don't want to get sued.  I don't want to confuse children, if there are any present.  I don't want the spouse involved in my dating life.  I don't want my name showing up in his divorce surveillance, etc.  And I sure don't want to get stalked by an angry wife.

I want to marry someone who is free to marry, not waiting for a completion of the divorce (which in North Carolina can take a few years, based on the official date of separation, etc).  I don't want to be involved with someone who asks me to wait until he is done with his first wife.  

Not to mention, it's not Biblical.  God doesn't say that a separated man is a free man to date and all that jazz. He says that a man should give his wife a bill or certificate of divorce.  In other words, just finish your task at hand.  Then go out and seek another partner.  

Guys and ladies that are dating but not finished with your divorce: Consider what your motives are for dating right now, and ask yourself if it's fair to your dating partner?  

Usernames and Perception: Be careful how you present yourself.

Usernames are really important, but can be easy to develop.

For instance: ready4U, maddawg, cupcakes49

Here's the 411 on usernames:  You want to pick one that either defines you, something about you, or something you find interesting.

What you don't want is a description that might scare people off.  I saw one that had a description of something from that 50 Shades series.  1) I have never read the series; 2) am not interested in reading the series and 3) since I have an idea of what the series entailed (I watched the 20/20 special with the author), I wouldn't date anyone that had any mention to that series.

I actually reported the member for an offensive username and recommended to the dating site that he might be better suited for one of those more adult sites.

I've seen some that make sense, some that don't, and some that really put me off.  Usernames really set the initial impression.  If it's your initials and your birth year, great, easy.  If it's "Horror911,"  help the man that posts that (I made it up, I haven't actually seen it yet).

I am very cautious when I see usernames.  I read them at least twice to see if I can make sense of it.  If I can't figure it out, that's fine, but if it is something I can figure out and it seems lewd, I will go no further with that profile- whether it is to read it, contact it, connect with it, etc.  I simply don't want someone who is willing to post their dirty mind in a first impression.  One of the double entendres I saw was "Perfectus Erectus" - first time through I went "ew," second time I read it, I was thinking that it could go two ways... either the latin "Homo Erectus" bit or something else that I will not post here. 

One statement on this "Perfectus Erectus" username- This profile was presented to me on a type of Tinder format of a dating website- Do you want to meet this person or not? click on the yes if you want to meet them.  Once you click yes, and the other person clicks yes, then it takes a few more steps to meet them.  I never saw the profile, never saw the username, until we were matched.  I got a text in my account that this person wanted to meet me, and I had to go to the profile to find out what on earth did I do to select this person.  I found out the part of the program where we were matched, and it clearly wasn't where I could view the username and profile.  I have never contacted him and vice versa.  I was too put-off to be minutely interested. 

Mine for instance is a flower and my birth date day.  I won't post it here, because I don't want a ton of people searching for me, but it's easy to read, puts a positive vibe out there and I like seeing some of the nicknames that people post for me.  Other girl nicknames out there that I've seen are like "Cupcake" "Cat-eyes" "Blue Eyes" and "Cookieloo." For Guys, some of the easier ones I have figured out are "RoyallyUnique" "Looking4realdeal" and "Blueeyes411" (some of these are real, some are not).  I like something that tells me something about you.

The ones I am wary of, in guy terms (cause that's all I look at) are: anything that has "420" in the username, "a ____dating website_____ user,"  the obvious 50 shades mention, "vigorous" anything, "fierce"- unless it has a better connotation than like fiercely romantic or something of that nature, confederate comments "SouthernConfed" or "Starsandbars," anything racial regardless of color, and anything that refers to anything other than the person involved. 

Note on the dating website user username:  To me, I think it lacks imagination in regards to coming up with your own material, and to me it lacks integrity by introducing yourself to the community who is making an effort to put themselves out there to introduce themselves to you.

I love guys that put their interests, their work, or their hope for the process out there.  I really like to see what kind of person posts their picture and username with imagination, and purpose. 

There are websites that can help suggest usernames if you are lacking in the imagination department, but I highly recommend not using anything that would draw the wrong crowd.  If you want a niche crowd, you need to look for a dating website that has that particular niche.  And that's about all I'm going to say about the "niche" department. 

Spelling. I am big on grammar, spelling, slang and gender usage.  Pay attention to how you want to project who you are.  If you are using something that someone has to look up on urbandictionary.com to get the gist of, chances are you overshot.  If you use something that is gang related, offensive, or something else that is derogatory, directive in that manner, or identifies you as something that would be "thuglife" and don't intend it to be such, look it up before it becomes your final username.  "Dawg" is one of those I really can't stand.  Randy Jackson on "American Idol" used it a lot, A LOT. So for me, it's a major deterrent, because that's not what I want to represent in my life- a poorly spelled boys club (not a racist or derogatory term, I am simply stating this to make a point).  The other end of that, I don't want to see anything related to drugs.  "420" really puts me off, once I figured out what it was (yes, I had to have someone explain it to me).  Other things- If a man puts "Female" in his username like "looking4gudfemale"- I'm out.  Last I checked that was my gender only.  Women prefer to be defined as "Ladies or women" rather than by our gender.  I was always taught to treat people as I would want to be treated.  I refer to women as ladies and men as gentlemen, until you prove yourselves otherwise.  Everyone deserves a bit of respect and treating them as if they should be in a higher social status than they currently are, unless they prove themselves otherwise.  (and trust me, I have people who prove themselves otherwise all the time.)

Have fun developing your username, just be careful how you present yourself.  First impressions are everything.  Make it a good one. 



Introductions: Cat Calls, yelling across the street and proper introductions

An episode this morning on my morning walk inspired this piece of literary magic.  Just slightly peeved that this occurred and what I really wanted to say is not suitable for anyone's ears.

I was out for my morning walk this morning, when not even two blocks from my house, a bus pulls up to it's regular stop and a passenger comes out.  The bus stop is across the street, and a return trip, not a trip into the city.  I noticed him eyeing me, but not in an obvious way, like directly looking in his direction.  Due to the neighborhood I live in, I don't engage people I am unsure of. 

The guy watches me walking, and then just as I am about to get him out of my eyesight, he starts hollering "Hello" at me.  FROM.  ACROSS.  THE.  STREET.  This, makes me super peeved.  I cannot stand people who yell in public, unless they are attempting to contact someone due to an emergency or someone they know.  If you don't know someone, you don't holler at them.  He calls out several times, which I just act like I'm deaf and keep walking.  I'm not going to stand for being approached in such a fashion.

As the Lady Chablis would say "Where are you from? Where's your manners?"

He called out until he realized I was not going to respond.  I am fuming at this point.  I just kept walking and didn't say anything.

So, the point of all this is: How do you really talk to a woman?

No woman, or at least a decent woman, wants to be hollered at, catcalled, stalked in a parking lot, or approached by a dirty man.  I have had my fair share of all of this.  And unfortunately, I have assets that cause this too.  I may not be skinny, but I have curves in all the right places for guys who like snuggly girls.

I am appalled that men in America, the majority of single men in America that is, have lost the art of conversation and introduction.  Where they learned their new techniques, I have no idea.

As a lady, I would prefer to be approached properly, have a guy say "Hi, I think you're really pretty, do you think we could have a drink sometime?"  rather than "Hey baby, nice threads, nice top, shoooo-weeeee." 

What happened to being polite, genteel, respectful, etc.?

Let's just say that men who cannot approach me in a proper way have no business being acknowledged, much less even corrected.  I can tell from the get go what the intention is, and it's not having a relationship with me, but rather what I can bring to the table.

A respectable woman, with a little bit of weight, is usually a target for scrubs.  Because we don't get as many dates as the skinny girls, and we do sometimes get lonely, scrubs (men without money, car, job, etc, with possibly child support payments and jail time on their record) have decided that we are a great target because they can use us for what we have including but not limited to our time, money, and credit score.  I may not make a lot, but I have a respectable income, with perks.  This has made me a target for a lot of scrubs, from all walks of life. 

I had a guy contact me because he read my profile, and he said "I'm living with a friend because I was homeless for a while, I'm trying to get on my feet, but I have child support payments and a really bad divorce behind me."  Yeah, not my type on any level.  I told him I didn't think that this would work.  His reply was "Well, at least I tried."  Yeah, to get what he could out of me.

For the ladies- don't bite when you are approached inappropriately.  Don't acknowledge bad behavior, it only endorses it.  Just ignore them like you are deaf and blind and simply walk on.  Don't allow them to get away with bad behavior.

I would rather be approached at the grocery store with a quick "Hi, I think you are really pretty, but I know you are busy with your shopping.  Do you think I could get your number to ask you out?"  or a "Hi, my name is ___________, can I buy you a drink sometime?"

Be a gentleman hunter.  You don't have to be suave, just polite, and you will get a completely different response.  Good manners go a long way to success with a woman.  I cannot stress that enough. 



Since journey was taken, I decided that I would take "yellow brick road"...

We always hope that dating is the "yellow brick road" of the "Wizard of Oz."  Maybe if we take enough steps in life, we'll end up happy with a mate.  Some of us think "I've been good, I've done all the steps needed.  Why don't I have the mate I desire?" or "Why has God made me single this long?"

I used to ask myself the same thing.  I don't think it has to do with how spiritual you are, how charitable you are, how good you are, or how much you have your *stuff* together.  I sat for 6 years waiting for God to bring me my mate.  Then I realized one day that it was actually my responsibility to get out there.

The questions posed above:  I don't think those are the right questions.  It isn't even the right mind set.  For those of us who are Christians, God never promised us a mate, or that He would bring one to us.  As in the book of Ruth, Ruth was encouraged to go out and find someone to care for her.  Several biblical stories note that searches were conducted for brides and grooms.  It never said that God the Father, the Son or the Holy Spirit brings us our perfect mate.  People went out to find a mate, or family members sought mates.

So, why are so many of us sitting at home waiting for a mate?  We are subjecting ourselves to becoming more used to being single than ever.  Go out and enjoy life, meet people, have fun in your life.

I just started a membership with an online dating community, and I'm noticing one thing.  I notice that there are a ton of eligible people who could probably find a date if they actively went out to get one.  I send out messages, winks, and respond to messages throughout my work week, and I get little response from any of it.

My theory:  You'll only get out of it what you put in. Mingle, darn it!

Online Dating Websites: Photos, Assets? or Liabilities?

A picture is worth a thousand words, right? Comments, statements, questions, and even thoughts.  So if a photo can say all of that, wouldn't you pick your online dating photo a bit more carefully?

Visual attractiveness is something like 75% of the process of dating.  If you don't visually appeal to the other person, you probably won't get a response back from someone you've contacted or you probably won't get another text or date.

Guys: This is particularly important for you.  If you wouldn't date a girl based on how her picture looks- gray hair, mole, drunk, etc, please don't post the same of yourself.  If you expect us to look our best, please do the same.

You wouldn't believe what is being posted lately and passed off as a visual of a possible date.


Let's range them from the slightly lame to the totally aggravating:

1)  The Slightly Lame: The picture that isn't yourself.  So far I have seen cartoons, superheros, tv personalities, and my all time favorite- the one that posted a picture of the blond kid from the first Karate Kid.

If you want a mature relationship, why would you start with something so juvenile?  Face reality and put your real picture up.

2) The "ask him/her for their picture" photo box.  Why would someone ask you for a picture of yourself when you are the one that is supposed to promote themselves?  Why take the extra step to block a photo that could potentially get you more dates if you only had posted yourself in the first place instead of asking people to ask you for your own photo?

This is a quick way to get deleted and not noticed. Thus, mission unaccomplished.

3) Sunglasses: Eyes are the window to your soul, the portion of your face that makes you look alive.  If the eyes are such a big percentage of the equation, why cover them up? Show off those lovely eyes and take off the sunglasses.

I noticed that guys look at eyes a lot, along with hair and shape and all that.  Take notes guys on what you are looking for, and turn that critique on yourself.

4) The vehicle picture:  So, are you trying to hook a gold digger? or are you promoting that you have your own ride?  Good girls don't care what you drive, so long as you have actual working and clean wheels.  Save that for another day.

If you are posting pictures of your vehicles, particularly new ones, sports cars, brand new trucks and motorcycles, it's merely an advertisement that you have some sort of loose cash lying around ready for the taking by a woman/man who clearly doesn't want to make any for themselves.  It happens on both sides of the gender fence.

5) Blurry pictures:  This is starting to climb the aggravation scale.  I see more blurry pictures than ever, even though we have more access to taking GOOD pictures than ever before.  Blurry pictures are not acceptable.  If you want pictures of yourself, have a friend take them for you, or get some professional ones made.  Clarity of a picture can say a lot.  A motto that has been in my family house for years: it takes so little to be above average.

Blurry also has a connotation of either taking drunk pictures or not caring about how you want to be projected in the digital age.  Remember, every picture you post could potentially end up on the internet somewhere else, make it a good one.

Another thing: if you wouldn't look at a girl's profile if she had a blurry picture, why are you asking us to do the opposite for you?

6) Group only pictures: how are we supposed to pick out who you are?  If there is only one picture, and it's a group picture, either note who you are in the picture, crop the picture to make as your primary photo, or ask a friend to take a headshot of you.  Make sure your marketing is clear.  Last thing you want is to get an email asking if you are the tall friend standing next to you.

7)  Photos taken from other photos: Yes, people can tell. No, it isn't good.  If you do not have a tech saavy background, find a friend who can help you post photos.  Taking pictures of pictures that have glass in the frames cause glare, and people know they are old.

Make sure to post something fresh and something clear.

8) A dark photo: Nothing says "hi" like a dark photo.  Most people will simply bypass your profile and move on.  There is no excuse for a dark photo, not with all the editing programs available online.  Go to Shutterfly.com or picmonkey.com to lighten your photos.

9) The photos with the previous partner: Nothing says more to a woman than half a picture.  Women know when there is a portion of the photo missing, and that there was a girl there.  I've seen anywhere from a daughter cut out, to a wife on a special night with her nails done cut out of photos so that the guy has a photo he can put up on the website.

For the most part, from the girl circles I travel in, women don't post those types of pictures.  We know that if we look like we have been in a relationship, we're not going to be thought of as "available."

Newsflash guys: Women don't like those photos.  We don't want to imagine you with another woman, and we know the feeling is mutual.

10) THE DRIVER'S LICENSE PICTURE: This is my absolute top aggravating photo.  Why on earth would you post a photo of yourself that the government took of you while you were in a public building?

Next time when you post a photo, ask yourself if you would want a critical family member to see it? If the answer is no, chances are your future partner would pass it up or not care to see it either.  Post good, clear and friendly photos.