Conversaltionalists: The short talker

The message from a guy who you are trying to figure out if he's interested, or trying to "play ya."

I specifically put on my profile on this one website "no games."  I don't want to be anyone's toy, fake interest, or someone to merely talk to.  I specifically don't want my time wasted. 

Case in point:  The conversationalist that only sends you five words at a time and shares very little personal information. 

I get an email from a guy that says "Hey Baby" and so I think he actually wants to engage me in conversation.  We begin sending emails back and forth, and then I start noticing a trend, he's barely sharing anything about himself, while I'm trying to get a connection or something.  My writing is generally prolific, relevant to the discussion, and has proper grammar.  I also usually try to figure out a name.  I believe that if you are going to engage in a conversation you should introduce yourself, talk about things to try and figure out what you have in common.  You know, the reason you got on the website to begin with, right?

This guy not only kept sending me emails with five words or less, and kept calling me "Baby."  If you are going to call someone baby and you don't know them, there's a reason for that.  To me, if you call me "Baby" and you don't know me, 1) you'll find out that I don't like it, unless we are actually in a relationship, 2) I will assume you're a "playa" only trying to keep a distance between knowing who I am and trying to get me into bed. 

How I addressed it:

After I noticed he was barely sharing anything about himself, I told him: "I actually appreciate a more thorough conversation.  Like more than 5 words.... If you want to keep chatting, I highly suggest not making me work for a conversation."

His response, "Later."

What a Player.



Questions: What are you really looking for?

There are a lot of questions in dating, especially online.  The biggest one I get is "What are you really looking for?"

In this particular question, the balance of what lies ahead is at your mere fingertips, and either you can be really flippant or really spill your guts.

If you are on an online dating site to meet "The One," is this a time for brutal honesty?  This time, I took the risk.  A gentleman on a dating website asked me "What I was really looking for on that dating website?" and I finally decided that instead of just saying "It's all on the profile," I wrote this:

"The honest to God, Real Thing.  A man who respects who I am, and vice versa.  A man who can take care of a family regardless of my contributing income.  A good intellectual conversation rather than a mere opinion based discussion.  A shared balance of life and home.  I like to keep a peaceful home, with lots of laughter, learning from one another, and a culinary journey.  I love a type of man who brings intelligence and a good character to the table.  I love a type of man who considers other options rather than just his perspective.  And I love a type of man who can enjoy the company of a child as much as either his partner or a night out with the guys.  My nephew is the littlest man in my world and he is as cherished as my relationship with my parents.  I hope that gives you some perspective.  ~Melissa"

I only sent that within the last hour, but I thought for once I would be real, honest and open about what I really want.  These are the things that matter to me the most when it comes to a man in my life, and I want to make sure that whomever is part of my world understands my priorities and desires of house and home.

Honesty, let's see how that works.


Update: 10/9/15: It turned out to be one of those profiles that was a scam.  Oh, well, I got honest with myself.  Enjoy.

Digital dating and Long Distance: Get honest with yourself about how far you are willing to go for your love interest.

Long Distance is a double edged sword to those who long to be in a relationship: it can either enhance or obliterate what you are trying to accomplish.

A recent email prompts this posting.  The gentleman writes from the West Coast, while I'm on the East Coast (thus the picture).  

I have come to desire a close mileage relationship, due to a desire to have my partner close by for a well-needed snuggle on a bad day, a random junk food run in the middle of the night, or call from work and head straight to dinner.  I used to never define myself as spontaneous, but thus, that has become my fun life.

So, as this gentleman and I are emailing on a dating website I came right out and told him that I'm not looking to move.  He continued to send me questions, and describing himself, but he did not answer my question as to whether he could do the long distance.  Not to mention, he also has a child, which he has not discussed how he would address that matter (the long distance, plus having a kid in tow).

Long distance to me is a killer.  Just getting in my car for more than an hour, I seriously have to think that out.  Not because I'm getting older, it's just that I'm not interested in spending a lot of gas and time on something that may not last or get abusive in any way.  My last long-term relationship, I was doing the majority of the driving, 30 minutes or more, and then would spend time at the residence he shared with his sister, which was not delightful to enjoy at all.  Spontaneity had to be planned more than 90 minutes out and occasionally we missed each other because neither of us wanted to drive.  Weekends were spent at his house so that we weren't doing a lot of driving back and forth.  It just got very wearing, specifically on me because he got to a point where he wanted to dictate my time and whether our time together was spent with me on the road or him.  It generally was me because he was just a pain. 

The point- be honest with yourself about how you would want a relationship to form.  I simply don't want to be on a flight every other weekend, I simply don't want it, and I can't afford it.  I want someone whose closer so that I can enjoy the little moments rather than the quantity time that is shoved into one trip. 

So, in the end, for those that have to know what happened.  Since the gentleman didn't offer to come this way, he didn't address the situation with his daughter, and all he wanted to talk about was surface stuff, I bit him adieu, in order to move forward on finding what works for me.  I get tired of focusing on things that don't work for me.  

Be honest with yourself at the end of the day.  Long distance may be tantalizing, fantasy, and a way to run from a place that you may not like.  But is it going to cost you money to travel, is it something you really want to spend time on?

~M

Dating, with children.....

I can honestly say that dating someone with little people (their own, or extended family) is tough because of the emotional connection you build with the child while you are seeing that person.  I dated someone for 18 months, who had nieces that were regularly around.  When I walked away from the relationship, my heart ached for the children because Auntie was no longer there.  My nephew was rather resilient when the break up occurred.  He never mentioned my ex-boyfriend again. 

Children are little entities all to themselves, enter their world and it could affect them for life, or leave a permanent void.  I always hope that when I do meet children, through friends, dating, etc, that I may impact them for the good and not the bad.  

Dating and being introduced to children of your partner is especially something not to take lightly.  You may need a good warm bed buddy, but that child comes first and foremost, no matter what.  That child deserves to know that their parent will place people in their little lives for a purpose, not a hit and run.  That child deserves to know that no matter how much time their parent spends with their new partner, that they always get time with their parent too.  A child should never feel the need to compete with the new partner.  Their world comes first, including their little schedules, school and whatever custody arrangement you have with their other parent.  Be a parent first, not a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

I was on a date earlier this year, and my date's phone rang, and rang, and rang, and rang.  I said "Your phone keeps ringing, is it something important?"  He said, "It's my daughter."  I stopped cold.  I said "Answer your phone if it's your daughter!"  Now mind you, she was 18 or 19, I don't remember, but from what I remember of those years, that's when my relationship with my dad really began to take shape.  It stunned me that he wouldn't answer the phone and it was his daughter.  His ex, maybe, but his daughter? 

I only saw him a few more times after that, but I just couldn't get it out of my mind that our date was more important than his daughter.  She was finishing her first year of college and she wanted to talk to her dad. 

Another part of introducing kids to dating partners is establishing respect between the parent, the partner and the child.  Would you want your child back-talking to your partner? or vice versa?  Though with some adjustment comes some sort of angst, there needs to be a line of respect drawn in the sand for all involved.  If you are in a new relationship, is it appropriate for your child to see you in bed with another woman other than mommy?  How many women have they seen you in bed with? Does Mom have a lot of guys over?  A parent must remain the master of his home by conducting themselves in a manner that won't put their house into a topsy turvy manner.  Not to mention, children also have wagging tongues.  Whatever you do gets reported to the other parent.  Which may cause the other parent to talk about the new partner in an unflattering light.  Be careful about the little eyes and ears, for they see all and repeat all.  

Separated but Dating: Is this a good idea?

Think about this for a moment: You are unraveling one relationship, but you also desire to begin another one. Would you consider this a smart move? Given your emotional state, legal status, and the claim that your legal spouse still has on you, while you are attempting to start another relationship?  Not to mention if you have children...

If you are dating, and the other person is not married, are they thinking of this: 

To put it in perspective from a singleton's point of view: Is it fair to your spouse that you are divorcing, but still married to, or to the person you are dating, but can't marry, to begin a relationship with someone outside your marriage while you are going through a divorce? 

How would you feel if your daughter were going through a divorce and her husband already had the next one lined up?  Would you encourage a friend to see someone else while they are still married?

Well, to put a legal spin on it: there are currently seven states that still recognize legal action against the third party that is thought to be the failure of the marriage- regardless of whether they are in fact the reason.  Hawaii, North Carolina, Illinois, Mississippi, New Mexico, South Dakota and Utah still have this civil law on the books and allow lawsuits for it, called "Alienation of Affection."

Simply put, if a woman is dating a married man, she could get sued, or vice versa.  Would you really want to put someone through that?  

The dating website I am on, I see a lot of separated men, and usually with children.  

Here's my perspective on the whole separating but dating idea: Don't do it.  Don't put yourself at risk, don't put your dating partner at risk, don't put your kids at risk.  What if something goes south? What if it shows up in the divorce litigation? What if your spouse sues your dating partner?  There are just so many things that can go wrong with this path.

Get divorced, then date.  It makes the lines of your life so much clearer, and you can make your intentions to your dating partner much clearer that way.  Don't keep a single woman dangling because your divorce isn't finished.  

Would I date a separated man? No.  I don't want to get sued.  I don't want to confuse children, if there are any present.  I don't want the spouse involved in my dating life.  I don't want my name showing up in his divorce surveillance, etc.  And I sure don't want to get stalked by an angry wife.

I want to marry someone who is free to marry, not waiting for a completion of the divorce (which in North Carolina can take a few years, based on the official date of separation, etc).  I don't want to be involved with someone who asks me to wait until he is done with his first wife.  

Not to mention, it's not Biblical.  God doesn't say that a separated man is a free man to date and all that jazz. He says that a man should give his wife a bill or certificate of divorce.  In other words, just finish your task at hand.  Then go out and seek another partner.  

Guys and ladies that are dating but not finished with your divorce: Consider what your motives are for dating right now, and ask yourself if it's fair to your dating partner?  

Usernames and Perception: Be careful how you present yourself.

Usernames are really important, but can be easy to develop.

For instance: ready4U, maddawg, cupcakes49

Here's the 411 on usernames:  You want to pick one that either defines you, something about you, or something you find interesting.

What you don't want is a description that might scare people off.  I saw one that had a description of something from that 50 Shades series.  1) I have never read the series; 2) am not interested in reading the series and 3) since I have an idea of what the series entailed (I watched the 20/20 special with the author), I wouldn't date anyone that had any mention to that series.

I actually reported the member for an offensive username and recommended to the dating site that he might be better suited for one of those more adult sites.

I've seen some that make sense, some that don't, and some that really put me off.  Usernames really set the initial impression.  If it's your initials and your birth year, great, easy.  If it's "Horror911,"  help the man that posts that (I made it up, I haven't actually seen it yet).

I am very cautious when I see usernames.  I read them at least twice to see if I can make sense of it.  If I can't figure it out, that's fine, but if it is something I can figure out and it seems lewd, I will go no further with that profile- whether it is to read it, contact it, connect with it, etc.  I simply don't want someone who is willing to post their dirty mind in a first impression.  One of the double entendres I saw was "Perfectus Erectus" - first time through I went "ew," second time I read it, I was thinking that it could go two ways... either the latin "Homo Erectus" bit or something else that I will not post here. 

One statement on this "Perfectus Erectus" username- This profile was presented to me on a type of Tinder format of a dating website- Do you want to meet this person or not? click on the yes if you want to meet them.  Once you click yes, and the other person clicks yes, then it takes a few more steps to meet them.  I never saw the profile, never saw the username, until we were matched.  I got a text in my account that this person wanted to meet me, and I had to go to the profile to find out what on earth did I do to select this person.  I found out the part of the program where we were matched, and it clearly wasn't where I could view the username and profile.  I have never contacted him and vice versa.  I was too put-off to be minutely interested. 

Mine for instance is a flower and my birth date day.  I won't post it here, because I don't want a ton of people searching for me, but it's easy to read, puts a positive vibe out there and I like seeing some of the nicknames that people post for me.  Other girl nicknames out there that I've seen are like "Cupcake" "Cat-eyes" "Blue Eyes" and "Cookieloo." For Guys, some of the easier ones I have figured out are "RoyallyUnique" "Looking4realdeal" and "Blueeyes411" (some of these are real, some are not).  I like something that tells me something about you.

The ones I am wary of, in guy terms (cause that's all I look at) are: anything that has "420" in the username, "a ____dating website_____ user,"  the obvious 50 shades mention, "vigorous" anything, "fierce"- unless it has a better connotation than like fiercely romantic or something of that nature, confederate comments "SouthernConfed" or "Starsandbars," anything racial regardless of color, and anything that refers to anything other than the person involved. 

Note on the dating website user username:  To me, I think it lacks imagination in regards to coming up with your own material, and to me it lacks integrity by introducing yourself to the community who is making an effort to put themselves out there to introduce themselves to you.

I love guys that put their interests, their work, or their hope for the process out there.  I really like to see what kind of person posts their picture and username with imagination, and purpose. 

There are websites that can help suggest usernames if you are lacking in the imagination department, but I highly recommend not using anything that would draw the wrong crowd.  If you want a niche crowd, you need to look for a dating website that has that particular niche.  And that's about all I'm going to say about the "niche" department. 

Spelling. I am big on grammar, spelling, slang and gender usage.  Pay attention to how you want to project who you are.  If you are using something that someone has to look up on urbandictionary.com to get the gist of, chances are you overshot.  If you use something that is gang related, offensive, or something else that is derogatory, directive in that manner, or identifies you as something that would be "thuglife" and don't intend it to be such, look it up before it becomes your final username.  "Dawg" is one of those I really can't stand.  Randy Jackson on "American Idol" used it a lot, A LOT. So for me, it's a major deterrent, because that's not what I want to represent in my life- a poorly spelled boys club (not a racist or derogatory term, I am simply stating this to make a point).  The other end of that, I don't want to see anything related to drugs.  "420" really puts me off, once I figured out what it was (yes, I had to have someone explain it to me).  Other things- If a man puts "Female" in his username like "looking4gudfemale"- I'm out.  Last I checked that was my gender only.  Women prefer to be defined as "Ladies or women" rather than by our gender.  I was always taught to treat people as I would want to be treated.  I refer to women as ladies and men as gentlemen, until you prove yourselves otherwise.  Everyone deserves a bit of respect and treating them as if they should be in a higher social status than they currently are, unless they prove themselves otherwise.  (and trust me, I have people who prove themselves otherwise all the time.)

Have fun developing your username, just be careful how you present yourself.  First impressions are everything.  Make it a good one. 



Introductions: Cat Calls, yelling across the street and proper introductions

An episode this morning on my morning walk inspired this piece of literary magic.  Just slightly peeved that this occurred and what I really wanted to say is not suitable for anyone's ears.

I was out for my morning walk this morning, when not even two blocks from my house, a bus pulls up to it's regular stop and a passenger comes out.  The bus stop is across the street, and a return trip, not a trip into the city.  I noticed him eyeing me, but not in an obvious way, like directly looking in his direction.  Due to the neighborhood I live in, I don't engage people I am unsure of. 

The guy watches me walking, and then just as I am about to get him out of my eyesight, he starts hollering "Hello" at me.  FROM.  ACROSS.  THE.  STREET.  This, makes me super peeved.  I cannot stand people who yell in public, unless they are attempting to contact someone due to an emergency or someone they know.  If you don't know someone, you don't holler at them.  He calls out several times, which I just act like I'm deaf and keep walking.  I'm not going to stand for being approached in such a fashion.

As the Lady Chablis would say "Where are you from? Where's your manners?"

He called out until he realized I was not going to respond.  I am fuming at this point.  I just kept walking and didn't say anything.

So, the point of all this is: How do you really talk to a woman?

No woman, or at least a decent woman, wants to be hollered at, catcalled, stalked in a parking lot, or approached by a dirty man.  I have had my fair share of all of this.  And unfortunately, I have assets that cause this too.  I may not be skinny, but I have curves in all the right places for guys who like snuggly girls.

I am appalled that men in America, the majority of single men in America that is, have lost the art of conversation and introduction.  Where they learned their new techniques, I have no idea.

As a lady, I would prefer to be approached properly, have a guy say "Hi, I think you're really pretty, do you think we could have a drink sometime?"  rather than "Hey baby, nice threads, nice top, shoooo-weeeee." 

What happened to being polite, genteel, respectful, etc.?

Let's just say that men who cannot approach me in a proper way have no business being acknowledged, much less even corrected.  I can tell from the get go what the intention is, and it's not having a relationship with me, but rather what I can bring to the table.

A respectable woman, with a little bit of weight, is usually a target for scrubs.  Because we don't get as many dates as the skinny girls, and we do sometimes get lonely, scrubs (men without money, car, job, etc, with possibly child support payments and jail time on their record) have decided that we are a great target because they can use us for what we have including but not limited to our time, money, and credit score.  I may not make a lot, but I have a respectable income, with perks.  This has made me a target for a lot of scrubs, from all walks of life. 

I had a guy contact me because he read my profile, and he said "I'm living with a friend because I was homeless for a while, I'm trying to get on my feet, but I have child support payments and a really bad divorce behind me."  Yeah, not my type on any level.  I told him I didn't think that this would work.  His reply was "Well, at least I tried."  Yeah, to get what he could out of me.

For the ladies- don't bite when you are approached inappropriately.  Don't acknowledge bad behavior, it only endorses it.  Just ignore them like you are deaf and blind and simply walk on.  Don't allow them to get away with bad behavior.

I would rather be approached at the grocery store with a quick "Hi, I think you are really pretty, but I know you are busy with your shopping.  Do you think I could get your number to ask you out?"  or a "Hi, my name is ___________, can I buy you a drink sometime?"

Be a gentleman hunter.  You don't have to be suave, just polite, and you will get a completely different response.  Good manners go a long way to success with a woman.  I cannot stress that enough.