Etiquette and proprieties: Just a few simple things that should be observed

I put this in bold, to note it's great importance on society, social settings, entry into society and how to maneuver life.  I cannot emphasize it's importance enough, as it is becoming a defining note right now in my life and how I adjust to things.

Lets talk about proprieties for a second: Propriety is defined as "Socially and Morally acceptable behavior, correct or appropriate behavior."  Also what came up in the search is "Dignity."  Have a little dignity for yourself and respect for others.

Propriety was also known "the look of the thing."  How does it look that a married or attached woman is talking, interacting, conducting herself to a male that is not her partner?  I grew up in a church that if the couple was not married, or it was a random man and woman, that if that wasn't your wife essentially- you did not get into a car, an elevator, be seen in public, etc. with that person.  You could get the label of "philanderer" and get reported. (I grew up in a large church, lots of eyes).  It also refers to a young lady talking to a single man, when that woman is known to have an engagement ring.  Whether it's a family relation or not, she should actually go to a trusted woman in her life.  It's considered inappropriate to be going to a man and telling him her business, it may look like she's fishing.  (such an episode recently occurred, and I'm surprised at who she reached out to, and I'm surprised as to why.  Now I'm just trying to figure out the next step.).

Etiquette: Seriously, if you want to be considered "well mannered," check yourself against an etiquette book.  I highly recommend it.  It goes beyond court etiquette, it's a method of attempting to make everyone in the room comfortable.  Ill mannered people tend to make situations interesting to address later, and can cause some major miscommunications.

Recently, someone I barely know has decided that she needs "to spend more time in Charlotte" and thus assumed an invitation to my residence and soon to be, my marital residence.  I don't care who you are, you wait for an invitation.  If one doesn't come, don't push it.  There is a reason there is no invitation coming forward.  If you wish to be invited, conduct yourself properly in all fashions including how you talk to my fiancé, and politely inquire if you can spend time with me at my home rather than assume you are welcome there anytime.  I am always careful about whom I let into my house and home, my kitchen and my life.  I've had enough of people walking into my life assuming things and then trying to get things out of me in response to their assumptions.  

If I find that I wish to extend an invitation, I will do so.  I did to my fiancé's twin brother and his wife, but didn't find a need to extend anything any further than that.

My closest friends and family are the only ones that have been admitted to my home, primarily because I've only been out on my own for approximately 18 months, the apartments are small, and it's not generally a place that I can host people other than a small wine and dine party.

Maneuvering family and friends are always an interesting task, but I expect a certain level of respect and boundaries.  I don't want to be gossiped about, and I expect the same.  I wouldn't drop in on you, so please don't drop in on me.  I wouldn't dish stories about my child (I don't have kids, but I wouldn't do it regardless), please don't do the same.  If I text, it's because my hearing on the phone isn't all that great, and I'm trying to make a point before the situation gets blown up and I have a heart attack.  If I make time for you, and you agree to the time, I expect fair notice for cancelling or rescheduling.  If you cancel because you accepted something you could have easily turned down, I will be slightly offended and will reconsider making any further arrangements with you.  I expect fair notice if I'm driving all the way to see you, whether it is across town, or an hour or more away, if the plans get cancelled.  Do not call me multiple times in a day insisting on something.  I will get around to it on my priority list.

If it interferes with my sanity, my family or my work, it will either be completely cut off or will receive rules the next time I encounter it.  Whether its a bear or anything else.

Thankful for supportive family.

Another thing that is part of who I am, and what is part of making me who I am today is a supportive family.  My family has insisted that I reach for my goals and settle for nothing.  I have enjoyed the support of a very forward thinking grandmother who has always wanted me to be independent and to enjoy life before family and the ritual of the life cycle caught up with me.  I can honestly say that I achieved that on so many levels.

My family insisted on a college education, so I got three rounds. LOL....

My family taught me about my background, which has pushed me to become a person I know.  I know that my background has historical value, ethnic value (my heritage of the Irish, Scottish, English, and German Roots), language value and geographical value.  I have traveled to the lands of my "people" and have learned a lot about how may heritage has functioned in the world.  I also have discovered my fiancé's historical value, that he didn't know.  He has a bit of appreciation for his background now, and we are beginning to find the footprints of his forbearers.

My family encouraged me to study politics, languages, manners, history, art, and other things that have shaped my mind.  But they never knew how much they shaped who I am.  I am thrilled that my parents instilled in me values, manners, "carrier" (Carrie-air= disposition), and a sense of self.  I wouldn't be who I am without knowing that they expected more out of me than a traditional path of getting married, making babies. 

They also instilled in me to stay organized.  My grandmother could find everything, a place for everything and everything in its place.  My dad, similar, and my mom was a huge reader of organization books.  So, with that comes a very organized individual who can work her life the way she wants, and control the life she wants.

In the preparation for a wedding, my mother found out the night we told her, that I had already picked a venue, a cake design, a dress, a tux, cufflinks, booked engagement photos, and our wedding bands.  All she had to do was ask what the budget was.  I think she was relieved that I was so organized, as to be able to relieve her of having to keep that all together along with taking care of a sick family member and getting another family up and running again, along with building a therapy practice that has just blown her out of the water with referrals.

I am pleased that my parents have allowed me to become who I want without fear of being taken care of, without fear of loss of housing or food, and without manipulation of any situation in order to render the path they wanted.  I am thankful that they allowed me to "grown in the way a child should grow" and be able to raise up and thank them for such a wonderful gift, of myself.

I see so many other people who lack that definition and I wonder how they could live without out it, and I remember it has to come from their environment, and their support. 

So, thank you Mom and Dad. 

Cart before horse: If you got it backwards, don't rub it in.

I'm not an advocate for children out of wedlock or using them as pawns to catch a man.  If you want to be in a relationship, don't use a child to keep him.  He should want to be with you because he wants to.  If you have a child to rope him in, he's caught you.  You've given him everything he wants, and none of the responsibility.  At the end of the day, you end up as the laughing stock rather than you running the household. 

A child is an innocent pawn if used to catch a man.  If you have a child and then end up either ending the relationship, put your child in the middle of an abusive or disrespectful relationship, then you have no one to blame but yourself.

If you want to play the field, at least let chemistry not put you in that position (better living through chemistry, as my family has joked).  Otherwise, you have just put an innocent child in a position that they didn't earn or ask for.  You are ultimately the reason that child has the life they experience because of the choices you made.  

The flip side to it: If you did it, and you are now regretting the situation you find yourself in, don't rub it in other people's faces.  I had a friend who tried to justify every mistake she ever made, and then after she had been with a ton of men, had a baby outside of wedlock, she bragged that her husband-to-be had been with a "lady of the night" as she put it (a hooker for others).  I don't understand why she felt the need to make sure that I knew her husband was lower on the scale of respectability than she was, but she felt that she needed to make that point.  And then tell me later that they then broke their agreement not to sleep together until the wedding.

I don't understand why people who make poor decisions try to make it look okay to everyone else.  Babies are one thing, a single mom and a baby are another.  Babies within a marriage are a blessing, a baby to a woman who isn't married is a trap.  A woman who has a child hoping to catch a man has found herself in a catch .22, if he doesn't marry her then she has become a slave to that child and to making the best of the situation.  

For those of us who have blatantly chosen to not have children before we get married, it's really insulting to us that people validate a poor choice.  I get it that single moms need support too, but not in the face of those who have made something of ourselves and have followed the path that we have been asked to follow until we meet the right person.

I get it that children are a celebration, but when there is outright bias over a child, in the midst of a family of adults, and that child was created out of an incorrect situation, it becomes salt in a wound-the wound of having made the right choice and being socially flogged for it.  Parents all over the world hope that their children don't end up going down the wrong path and make poor choices, but yet they then celebrate those wrong choices by flagrantly preferring consequences out of poor choices.  Making a double standard for those of us who have made better choices.

I wish there was a different way that people treated that situation.  Not necessarily to shun, but to be more sensitive to the situation and be respectful of those who have made the best choice.  

I myself have worked so very hard to become a woman who has worked hard throughout her life, earning 4 degrees, the startings of a master's, alumni of simulations of global politics, can speak at least 4 or 5 things in at least 4 languages, traveled the world, traveled the US coast to coast and north to south, have published recipes of my own development rather than someone else's cookbook, live on my own, paying my bills, maintaining my car, have a lucrative job, and the comment I get when announcing my wedding was "You're not pregnant, are you?"  I simply responded that I didn't play that game.

Small milestones: 1000 pageviews

Thank you to all for reading along.  The blog is at 1,000 views.

Matchmaking: Dangerous road

I get the art of matchmaking, and I get that in this single world you need a friend to help you play "wingman" every once in a while.  Here's my thing, and this happened recently:

A friend of mine and I went out to dinner to a swanky place the other night, and he originally told me he wasn't interested in our young waitress, that I should stop asking about his pursuit of a friend of his (who I thought would make a great match for him, but apparently from what I'm picking up, she's a bit rude with him), etc.  So I didn't pursue anything in regards to any of that.  He and I had a great dinner, and all that jazz.

Then I find out he's interested in our waitress, wants to hit on her while we're at dinner, and while I'm trying to work some business with her and the event staff (long story).  I told him "NO!" to not even go there in my presence, that if he wanted to approach that at a later time, he was going to do it without me present. I was trying to conduct business and he was trying to work a little love connection in the mix..... BAD MIX.

The flaws of this theory:

1) I'm working business, you don't get in the middle of my conducting business.  It's rude to me, and it also distracts the staff from actually doing their job. 

2) If they are on the clock, they need to be making money for the company, not trying to get a hook up.  If I saw a staffer of mine trying to make a love connection on the clock, I would have a reprimand for them too.  They need to stay focused on their job.

3) If you haven't taken any advice I have dished out in the last few months, including requesting that you read an etiquette book, get a handkerchief for your running nose, and fix some personal hygiene issues, there's NO way I'm going to introduce you to a network of mine.

4) If I get shot down a few times, I'm not going to bother again.  I tried to encourage him to ask this beautiful girl out who was from a similar culture, and he couldn't get the nerve up, and when he did make an appearance, there was some seriously crossed messages from both sides.  I've also encouraged him to get connected with girls at the networking parties he goes to, and singles events.  Not to mention, he wants to date within a very specific culture range, and I don't have any single friends in that culture.  He needs to get a group of friends in that culture that provides that outlet.

There's just some seriously mixed messages coming from this friend, and there is no way I'm going near attempting to set him up again after he's thrown my suggestions to the wind.  There are some basics I've mentioned that he absolutely has to fix and he gets rather defensive about it all.

Should I set the friend up again? No. 

Should I attempt to help him flirt with my regular server? No.

Should I buy him a handkerchief collection? Maybe.

Should I buy him the etiquette book I recommended in April?  No, he's had enough time to buy that.

If you don't want my help in the small things, don't ask me for help in the big stuff.  I bow the hell out of it all.

A Proverbs 31 moment: A wife of virtue/noble character

Proverbs 31: 10-31 starts with "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies."

Another version says "virtuous" but we'll go with noble.

One of my earliest biographies I read was an autobiography on Agatha Christie (thanks Mom).  I picked her mainly because the book was purple and we had copies of Agatha Christie novels in the house.  I wasn't old enough to enjoy her writings just yet (murder mysteries, but I've read a huge portion of her writings since then).  But I read the biography and loved it immensely.  I only wish I had a copy of the book now. 

What makes a woman "Noble?"  Certainly by birth, but also by how she carries herself.  If you think of yourself as a "Lady" you'll be more likely to assume that disposition rather than treating yourself like trash and becoming it.

There is certainly more to life than physical virtue, but also by being discrete, well-mannered, inclusive of those around you, caring, concerned for the fellow man, and also by what you do.

A woman who can live her life in a way that honors the Lord is also certainly of Noble character.  A woman who doesn't seek wealth, lives within her means, helps support the friends and family she chooses to support (toxic people need to be excluded), and also seeking a life for herself that she enjoys.

A woman of Noble Character in her own right:

Agatha Christie met and married her first husband, Archibald Christie, who went off to war and all that.  While she was away and going through her mother's house after her death, he met someone else and they mutually agreed to separate (open to interpretation).  From her memoirs, it was a hard journey after the split, but she continued on with her writing and all that.  Though she missed him, she didn't dwell on any of the mistakes she made, she openly claimed him as the reason for the marriage dissolution. 

But that wasn't where her life ended.  She didn't stay a divorced woman.  She met and married someone else in her writing circles who enjoyed being 2nd fiddle to her fame.  He became her greatest love and companion in her life.  They lived life and traveled quite a bit in the time they had left.  She lived life abundantly, even after her first marriage imploded.

Max Mallowan, a recipient of the Commander of the British Empire in his own right, was her second husband, and you could tell in her writing how much she cherished him and vice versa.

I write all this to describe a woman who was driven to continue with life.  I think a Noble or Virtuous woman would certainly be those who could go on with life.

And yes, women who have lost a child and made a come back certainly fall in that category. 

A small tribute to my grandmother as well.  Though she never thought of herself as a woman ahead of her time, I would certainly put her in that category.  Having lost both parents before adulthood and being of a semi-wealthy family background, her first marriage was into a family of social standing in Southern California.  She aimed to marry for money, and she did.  However, the relationship soured.  She left him and filed for divorce (Can you believe it? She kept the plane ticket stubs from that flight.  She and I found them in a box more than 50 years later.)  She didn't let that keep her down as a divorced woman.  She got a job and raised her son.  My grandfather, her second husband, fell in love with this remarkable woman who could manage her life without him, but he soon found he couldn't be without her.  They married, and he took her son on as his own.  My grandmother continued to work off and on, while raising a family, but she did retire from a government job.  She continued to have little volunteer jobs throughout her life, including literacy lessons, and working for our church's library.  A donation fund in lieu of flowers was set up and ultimately paid for a Spanish library for the church. 

She also taught me over time to make something of myself independent of a man, and to see and enjoy the world.  She also taught me my passion for cemeteries.  I treasure her and the memories we made always, and keep her in my heart.  Her powder box of alabaster continues to be in a treasured spot in my home.

A Lady, a Noble woman, a Virtuous woman, certainly has drive to continue with life, who doesn't look at the past, who knows what needs to be done and does it.  Someone who has integrity, drive, financially savvy, and savvy with how to handle her household.  It may not always be right in the eyes of society, but if she can sleep at the end of the day, it was done right by her.

Be a woman who defines herself, rather than letting life define you.  Even if you have already started a path of bad decisions, you can always stop and change your stars (movie reference), you can always make better decisions for yourself and your family.

If you are single, and heading down a path of destruction (drinking too much, too many men in your life), you can always make the decision of when that is going to stop.  If you need help to do it, ask someone you trust.  I think I have been able to stay out of that mess by merely having a group of friends who don't indulge in those situations.  You can make different decisions.  You don't have to treat yourself like trash because someone else chose to. 

You can make a definition for your life.  A Noble Woman defines herself.

This crown is that of Lady Diana Spencer.  A woman, who after she discovered her actual role in the Royal Family as only the mother to the heir and spare, made her own life out of what she wanted to see in the world.  Her legacy still lives on. 

The jewels in your own crown are that of your own making.  Think on that.

To live life abundantly

People this time of year get down of things that are going on or in general just dwell on the negative.

I've explained this to several people this week: When you have been that person that has had to face so many disclaimers of death and doom, you get to a point where dwelling on the negative is worthless.  And I think God would agree.

Due to a birth defect, I wasn't supposed to live to adulthood, but with God directing my treatment and my doctors, I am thriving through life.  All surgeries come with the disclaimer of "This surgery could cause death" and I've been through 6 in my lifetime.  Even coming home from Europe every time has required me to file an emergency contact with the airlines, per US International Flight regulations, in case my flight doesn't make it.  I would say that death has been flown in my face enough for me to go "Who cares!"

So, I've been taught to live life and live it abundantly, and it pains me when people live in a fashion where they are absorbed with self-pity, tons of guilt or fear.  Why bother?  Isn't there something better awaiting you? 

You don't have to go skydiving, bridge jumping, or base jumping.  You certainly don't have to tempt fate to cause death, but you shouldn't fear what you've either been called to do or invited to do.

I have a friend who was kidnapped by her friends for her birthday and taken skydiving.  Though there were some really odd stories for the drop back to planet, she wasn't going to freak out and thoroughly not go through with it.  She said she would do it again if someone invited her.

The world isn't going to break if you step outside of your "norm."  Have some fun, live life as God intended. 

One of my guy friends isn't quite sure what to do with himself after something corrective has been said, and he dwells on it for so long after the fact, but I told him "I'm merely pointing something out, I'm not flogging you because something happened.  I'm merely showing you how to take care of the issue, and then go on with your day."  Life is WAY too short to focus on the negative, the guilt and the pain. 

Trust me, if I focused on self guilt or pity, I would never leave my house.  Rather, I want to get out an enjoy life, and I continue to do so.  I see no reason to continue to wallow in guilt, shame or pity.

You sincerely need to make your life what it is, I can't make that happen for you but I do know that God wouldn't want us to wallow in life.  Though Jesus didn't go white water rafting or skydiving, it doesn't mean that we can't.  Though following Jesus' path includes the cross, he's already been there for us.  Leave it there, and continue on with life.  You will gain nothing if you maintain the pity, shame and guilt. 

Time: What to do with your time (more to time than marriage, men, and crappy situations)

I'm coming across a lot of people who have no concept of being themselves outside of a relationship or definition of being part of family and not seeking life outside of what they define as normal.  I find it really uncomfortable to try and understand people who don't want to find things beyond their own little world.  There is more to life than a man, a baby, a marriage, and family that drives you crazy.  There has to be more to life than just a life of growing up, getting married, making babies, helping them grow up, get married, have babies, etc.  The cycle of life is only a bit of what the Good Lord provided for us to enjoy.

I find comfort in learning and doing.  If I'm not learning, I'm not living.  I love to travel, cook, go to dinner with friends, spend time with my mom and my precious nephew- and teach him new things.  I love to ride the metros of the places I travel to, I love to find neat places to eat and learn about what I'm eating.  I love to try new wines, meet new people, and to enjoy things that are created by others.  I also like to spend time in cemeteries learning about the past and who I am in relation to the past.

It blows my mind that people do the same thing day after day after day, wanting to just watch movies, play video games, do the family circuit, and be caught up in the constant demand of mediocrity.  If I had to constantly live up to those standards, I think I would just lose my mind.

As grown adults, there is life outside of work, family, friends and just a regular schedule.  Try it sometime, it's liberating.  I keep telling my beau that there is more to life than a set schedule, and if I had to keep repeating what I was going to do day to day, I was going to lose it.  There is more to life than a set schedule of what I do.  That should go for everyone. 

Sometimes a friend needs you, or their family needs you while they are out for the count.  I spent 3 early mornings at the bedside of a friend in the ICU and helped her family figure out some stuff since she was the primary caregiver for the entire family.  I'm honored that I was given access to come sit with her, and I'm glad she's back to the human being I knew.  What if I had said "I'm sorry, my schedule is booked up." and she died?  I would never have forgiven myself for abandoning her and her darling family.

Sometimes you just need girl talk.

But don't lose touch with who you are, what you like, what you like to do.  Keep enjoying life as you want to.  I don't think it helps that people lose who they are after they grow up or get involved with the family demands.  I think there are times you have to stop and say "I need to find out who I am again." or "I need to start trying things that sound interesting to me, no excuses."

I think knowing who you are makes all the difference to yourself and to others.  It helps you advocate for what you need, what you want to do, and I think it also helps with friends when it comes to resources you may have networks to and such as well. 

It just blows my mind that people can't function outside their own little box.  To me, I think that lacks adaptation, and for me it's frustrating.  I go and do a lot, and I wish there were others who did the same.  I like to find out what other people are doing and trying, and maybe I might be able to join in.

So some things to try:

Wine tasting

Cooking Classes

Reading a nerd book (history, biography, something deep)

Going to a restaurant that intrigues you

Walking through a grocery store you've never been to before

Watching a Cooking Show

Going to a Nerdy Adult event at a museum

Go Bowling

Learn cake decorating

Taste beers

Learn how to make something

Go to a Museum and see a new exhibit

Try a new place

Try a different bar

Mix it up, and get with the living and learning bit of your life.



Relationships: In General

My mom calls it "friends in spots."  There is a time and a usefulness for every relationship, and sometimes those relationships run their course.

There are people in life you meet that you know will be a great friend for you, no matter how long they are in your life, and then there are people you are not so sure of.  The ones you aren't sure of, find out what they contribute to your life or get rid of them.  Friends that are either using you, abusing you or your time, or causing other issues don't belong in your life. 

It's the same as dating relationships, if there isn't growth, it needs to be gone.  A relationship that doesn't grow either gets stale or needs to dissipate in some fashion.

Once a "friend" or someone on your acquaintance level has broken general rules of etiquette or friendship- sleeping with an ex of yours, criticizes you for things you are doing -like your job, your food, your hobbies, etc; it is time to schedule their departure.

People who cause me grief in my life aren't worth my time.  I cannot spend time trying to fix something someone else won't care to fix on their own- themselves.  If they have bad etiquette or are harboring hostile behavior towards you, the best thing you can do is shut it down, immediately.

My mom always said "Don't let them live rent-free in your head."  And expulsion from your social circle is the best way to address that.

Love and Work: How to maintain the balance within work hours and communication

Everybody wants to talk to their love all day long, you just can't get enough of their company.  However, there has to be some balance between work and love and how much time to invest in both. 

In the "Devil Wears Prada" Nigel says "Let me know when your whole life goes up in smoke Means it's time for a promotion."  Don't become that person that burns out either at work or in your personal life.  But also find time to do both.

I have to work, that's how I pay my bills, buy my clothes, pay for my car to be fixed, and have that glorious city life everyone wants (LOL).  Working is not an option, and I truly enjoy what I do.  I also, on the other hand, also have to maintain sanity for both situations, in my professional life and my personal life. 

My boyfriend knows that I have to work, and we discussed that I can't be texting all day long.  I have to focus on my work while I'm at work, and I make time for our phone calls in the evenings when I'm either on my way home from work or at home.  One or the other, but I can't focus on both.

You have to set boundaries that work for your relationship, or at least for you.  If you are single and having to do the first date ritual time and time again, of texting before the date, you have to set ground rules.  If you receive a text at work, you either leave it til later, or let them know that you will be available after work and that you cannot conduct business on work hours.  Chances are they will do the same to you if you text them in the middle of the work day.  People that cannot accept the work day boundary aren't worth your time.  You have to have some sort of sanity when you are work.  You have to draw that line of personal and professional.

My job relies on my productivity, so when I'm distracted by something else it costs the company time and money.  So when I have thousands of texts coming through from a potential relationship, that's costing my company major bucks.  If that's your situation, you need to explain that to your potential date.  You need to put the lid on anti-productivity measures.  If they continue to bother you, you need to put your phone on silent or place it in your purse so that you aren't distracted.

Phone calls: I can take small calls when I'm at work, not the leisurely ones I have with my beau in the evenings.  Sometimes we chat during the day so that we aren't miscommunicating on big things we are in the middle of (tickets to Biltmore, car purchasing, etc). 

You need to 1) find the balance for yourself; and 2) find the balance for your relationship.

My theory for my life is that if it interferes with my 1) Sanity; 2) Family; or 3) Work; it simply gets cut from my time.  I don't mess around with my paycheck, my sanity, and my family.  Find the balance, find a way to do what you need to do.



Celebrate the little things in life

Being single doesn't have to be fruitless with lack of celebrations: Make up new ones!

So what if everyone around you is having kids, birthdays, Christmas, and family time!  You are single, you go and do anything you want!!!

Just because you don't have the same mile markers as everyone else, celebrate the little things in life for you!  Pay raise, your 30th birthday, Taco Night, Friends coming to visit, a Friend's last wish, a Tuesday night!  You don't have to wait for the traditional holidays to come around-being you and being single- you already broke the traditional mold of not joining the crowd, so break the celebration rules too.

After having done singles events for my church for about 18 months, I got in the habit of finding things to do being single.  My friends and I did Valentine's Day together, girls only, and we would go out to dinner.  We didn't care that we were single, we celebrated it.

Other things I have gotten in the habit of celebrating as a single:  Celebrating life- when someone is sick- you celebrate when they get out of the hospital, or honor things you know they love.  I had a friend in the ICU over Thanksgiving and she missed her favorite holiday- Black Friday.  I made sure to bring in the Black Friday ads for her, in honor of her tradition. 

I also have a friend of a friend who not only is just recovering from months in the hospital, but also recovering from a very devastating breakup.  I told her that when she was comfortable to go out again, she and me and our mutual friend would have a Mexican Food night out in her honor, and in honor of losing a man who was not worth her time.

Celebrate you milestones:  When you get a promotion at work, when you get a pay raise, when you get your Christmas bonus, when you have a great day at work.  Celebrate your own birthday with your friends.  It doesn't always have to be with your blood family, but it can also be with the people who love and support you every day. 

Celebrate a new car, a move, the return from a trip.  Go on vacation for the holidays if holidays depress you.  I know of plenty of people who either go on a cruise or go somewhere wild so that they can celebrate in a fashion they want to enjoy. 

There should be no reason that you should be miserable and covered in other people's kids toys or drool and be constantly asked about when you are finally getting married, having a baby, etc. 

You don't have to "feel single" if you don't want to.

Celebrate in your own way, and forget tradition.  Enjoy your life and forget the rest.


*and a toast to a friend who is doing just that.  He is going on a cruise with his family this coming Christmas, and he's not going to listen to their requests, but rather living it up while he is on vacation. Cheers, my friend!

Noting a milemarker: Over 800 views

Celebrate the little things!  We are over 800 views.  Thank you readers!!!!

Roommates: How much information is too much?

When you and your roommate are in the pool of dating, how much do you talk about your love life to them?  How much is too much?

I have this dilemma currently.  I have a roommate I enjoy having around, we go to dinner together, hang out with her guests together, craft together, watch Harry Potter and Christmas Movies together.  We enjoy each other's company, but we're also both single and in the same dating pool.

How much do you share about your happiness when your roommate isn't having such luck?

My theory:  Don't share too much, you don't want to make them feel bad.  I don't like rubbing salt in the wound of loneliness.  Misery loves company, and joy isn't welcome.  I have been severely quiet about my relationship with her because I don't want to build resentment.  I have kept all our mementos in my room, and pictures to a minimum.  Anything related to our relationship has either been stored in my craft closet, my room or his place. 

She's asked me a couple of times how things are going, and she knows that we have alternating weekends due to the semi-long distance (he lives about 40 minutes away).  But I haven't told her my plans or anything like that because I really don't want to either build resentment or to overshare and then feel the need to extend my relationship with her beyond roommate life.  (long story, but if a wedding is involved there might be a need to add her to the list?... just saying).  I've heard her comments about a recent wedding she went to, and it wasn't uplifting.

So, in an effort not to rub it in, and to be as polite as possible about her situation, I don't share things with her.  I do the single life with her on the weekends- mad dashes for food, night runs to the grocery store, and then go about my quiet little life on the weekends with my boyfriend.

I see no reason to make my life more difficult in attempting to soothe her situation, and try and help when I know I may never get there with helping her.  I just am there if something goes wrong and we need a chips, salsa and enchilada run. 

Dating Photos: another perspective, and a safety perspective.

Yes, photos are a part of the process.  If you don't post any, you will get less inquiries, if any.  Photos display your facial characteristics, your interests, your hobbies, your car, your pets, children, family and friends.  People like to see that you have a life or you can do something.  After all, isn't part of building a relationship being attracted to someone?  Give them the option of seeing if you might be a face they are interested in.

If you prefer not to post pictures, you might as well stay off the internet dating process.  It's not for you.  I once asked a "gentleman" for pictures to be posted to his profile.  He declined saying that he didn't take photos of himself and that it was a vanity thing.  I readily replied that by not allowing me to see photos of himself gave me the impression that he thought he had the right to deprive women of viewing whom they were talking to, and thus making it a one-sided privilege for himself.  He laughed, and I never returned another message.

If people refuse to post their pictures, they do not need a response.  For safety reasons, you should know who you have been conversing with online.  If you go out on a date with them, you should be able to describe who you are meeting to either a hostess or to the police, if the date turns bad.  Though we never want things to turn out sour, being prepared helps lessen the probability.

Photos should display who you are and your world.  One of the most common misconceptions about girls in general is that we care about abs.  I know plenty of women who do not obsess about a guy's abs.  Photos should not render any body part that isn't visible by regular clothing.  Personally, I prefer a keg to a six-pack or a V-shape.  Always save that for later. 

The other misconception is the "junk."  If we have been nice enough to give you our cell phone number, please don't send us pictures of your junk.  Women, in general, know what it looks like, and it's another mystery to be explored behind closed doors.  And word to the wise, thanks to smartphones, your junk can now end up all over the internet.  Don't do it, man!!!

For those who want a good girl, I highly recommend posting wholesome pictures.  Post pictures of your trips, of your friends, of your pets.  The last thing a lady wants to see is you snuggled up with another girl, cheerleaders, or the bedroom photos.  Being drunk or high are also major deterrents.

Vehicles and personal possessions:  Unless you intend to try and capture a gold-digger, don't do it.  If a girl is dating you because of your car, your truck, your bike or your house, that is a girl that wants you for the stuff, not the snuggle.  You can mention that you have things, but you needed post highly expensive rides or habits.  It will either make you look like a boaster, snobby or an idiot for buying something so basic in the luxury world.

I had a first meeting with a guy, and he showed me pictures of a bike that he bought, a Harley Davidson.  Now, I know a little about Harleys.  I know what the popular ones look like and I know what is generally not purchased by the general motorcycle owner.  I know that the one he bought, made him look like a high spending idiot.  And no, he did not get a second date... there was more to it than just the bike, but that was the start of his demise. 

And those oh-so-common wedding photos.  I have heard more people groan about those wedding photos.  The guys always look great, don't they?  Well, if they weren't taken in the last year, don't post them.  Ladies, don't post your personal wedding pictures.  I heard someone did that. 

The photo rule of thumb should be that they present who you are, things you love and things you don't mind being all over the internet.  Make sure that they are somewhat new and fresh to what you've done lately, and don't snap photos of framed photos in glass, we know the difference.  If you haven't done anything this year interesting enough to photograph, time to get outdoors.

And always put your best picture as your main picture.

*I had to post the Martha Stewart photos, it's too funny to think of her actually dating.  Her last husband left her, citing "neglect" as his reasoning.  She also forgot to list felon on her characteristics. 

So Rude!!!!

I have to post this.  This guy thought he was being slick and totally pissed me off.

Guys, if you expect to get any kudos from a lady, you seriously need to pay attention to your surroundings and your manners.  It doesn't matter if she makes less or more than you.  If you come off that you are better than the world around you, you are going to piss off a lot of people. 

I was parking at my local grocery store last night, with a quick list.  I had parked next to an empty parking spot, so I thought I could get about my business.  Wrong!  Some DUDE zipped up next to me, parked, took his dear sweet time getting out of the car.  He wasn't waiting for me to get out of the car.  He thought he had the right of way.  Then he proceeded into the grocery store.

So, in the parking lot, his epic fail was parking next to a freshly parked car.  If you see  freshly parked car, make the effort to NOT park next to them.  I was pissed off, and I let my facial expression show my peeved disposition.  His gaze kinda lingered as though he thought he was being smooth, and it just peeved me more. 

Then he got out of his car.  He didn't offer to let me get out of my car first, which is the gentlemanly thing to do.

Then he went on his merry way into the grocery store, where he proceeded to grab a cart, and then zoom past me on his way to the "Idiot, I can't cook" line at the deli.  I so wanted to walk up to him and tell him he was such a douche.

Yes, ladies, this man was SINGLE!  I didn't see a ring.

Men, if you want to impress a woman, have some manners, even in public.  It makes a difference because you never know who you will run into in public.  It could be your dream girl, or her best friend who will tear you to shreds if she ever comes across you again.

Just a simple thoughtful thing

It's a single pink rose day.  I love roses, and I love that I have a man who buys them for me. 

When moving on is necessary (Part of the Three Strikes Discussion)

It is something everyone in this life experiences, when to move on from any situation.

I have to say that moving on from a dating opportunity is probably one of the hardest, but you have to know when to do so.  There are just some things in this life we have to do, and this is one of them.

I had an ex that was a 5 year friendship.  We tried a relationship for 3 months in the first year, and then when my big relationship ended, he came to comfort me and we tried again.  He had a death in the family, and he didn't return.  He always seemed to want my time when it was convenient for him.

The caveat to this relationship was that he had this panache about him, I always enjoyed the intellectual discussions, the companionship, and the flow.  But when I finally realized that he only wanted me on his timetable, and that making anything permanent wasn't an option, I had had ENOUGH. 

I actually saved the discussion because it is sooooooo priceless as to my will to move the hell on. 

After he said that he was not interested in moving to where I lived and that if only ("if only") we lived closer- on his side of the world- that he would consider a relationship or whatever format he deemed would work for him (my paraphrasing). 

I told him that he made a choice, and that because of that choice, I was severing the relationship permanently.  That I no longer wanted to be in a relationship that was on someone else's time table and not being mutually satisfying. 

He had hoped I wouldn't make that choice and hoped that I would change my mind in the future, as he did enjoy our friendship.  (I don't dig friendships that have strings of benefits along with it.  No relationship, no benefits buster!).  He had hoped that I would have given him credit for being up front that he didn't want a relationship and hoped he had made that clear. 

I told him "Nope, no credit for being honest and up front.  When you came back after my major breakup you said 'if in a year....'  which I wasn't ready for, having come out of the worst relationship.  I said 'We'll see,' and no further discussion on the matter was ever broached until I tried to show you that my feelings were true, and constant, and then the discussion of geography was brought up and you got very silent.  No, no honesty came from your side, only the linger discussion of you and something called 'there.'  You never got there, where ever there was or what it was.  So, at least I'm consistent with my three strikes and that is where 'there' ends for you, and where I begin to find an open and honest relationship."

I haven't heard from him since (whew!).

I can honestly say that I needed to get that downright hellish to make my point for me and for him.  And I hope that this inspires other people to move on in one of those linger relationships where you feel like you're on call.  You seriously have to make up your mind as to what you want, put your walking boots on, and walk all over the person making you feel awful.

I also did something similar when I dumped my longest relationship ex.  I had had enough of him tearing me down, making rude comments, and he had finally pissed my family off so bad that they didn't want him around (major MAJOR bad sign).

I told my dad the day I moved that I had had enough with this guy, and that I was going to let him pay for my moving truck and then would begin the separation process in the next few weeks. 

The starting point of the separation was when I cut my hair, and I like it short so it was short.  He showed up while I was housing sitting, and whined like a baby that I had cut my hair.  I told him that if he was going to act like a baby he could simply go right back home.  He made no other fuss and proceeded, quietly, to head back to his car and drive away.  My cat and I hung out the rest of the night.

That night was the first night my parents were spending on our family vacation that I was supposed to have been apart of.  But because of my stubborn ex, he didn't want the free accommodation that my parents were offering, and told me that we were getting a hotel.  We never booked it, and when they left, I knew I was going to make it come hell or high water.

I called my mom later and asked if there was room for me somewhere, because I would at least be there on Friday for the celebration of the 50th anniversary party we were there for.  She said just come on, we'll find room.

So, I packed my bags, and kept on my little façade that week with my ex.  I never let on that I was headed to the family vacation, or when I was leaving.  He found out on Facebook.  He texted me the Wednesday I left and asked if I was leaving for the beach.  I told him I had already arrived, that I was on a ghost tour and would talk to him later.  He said "ok."  The dude had no clue.

I texted him later that night and said that my friends and I were out late, and about to have dinner so I would talk to him when I got a chance.  He didn't hear from me again for two days. 

During that time my parents, my friends, and other people that were on the trip who have become beloved friends now, had all been saying that there was no way he should have ever treated me like that, and that I didn't deserve it.  I had made up my mind by the time I had arrived at the beach that he and I were at the end of our relationship.  I could finally breathe again, and feel like a human being.

I let him know I was on my way home, and then when I got home. 

The next day (Sunday), I asked him what he was doing, and asked him to come to my mom's to pick up his stuff.  Earlier that morning I had the locks changed on my apartment, without telling him.  My parents didn't want me risking an incident, so they offered to pay for the locks to be changed.

He still had no clue that I was dissolving the connection.

He showed up at my mom's house, and I handed him his little bag of stuff- shirt, soap and some antenna for the tv.  I told him it was over, and that I couldn't date someone that hated me. He said "I don't hate you" and tried to continue soothing me, but I wasn't having any of it.  He said "I never abused you."  I said "Yes you did, everyday."  At that point he got the picture that I was completely done, and he tried to fight.  I told him that I was asking him to leave that he needed to do so before the cops showed up.  He did so without further fussing, and drove away.

It hurt for only a few days, but it felt so good to be myself again.  No one should ever treat anyone like crap. Period. 

I hope that if you are dangling on one of these types of relationships and are ready to get the hell out, I highly encourage you to get your "gumption" up and get the hell out.  It's not worth getting what you don't deserve out of someone who is only giving you what they want to give you.