Guys: The Challenge

Guys: I challenge you to dating with integrity.

No, this does not refer to the book "Dating with integrity," however, runs along those lines.  Most women date for the "Happily Ever After."  What are you in the dating game for?

Be honest with yourself- if you are just in it to get the booty call, then do that.  But just do that, don't try and string a nice girl along for the joy ride and dump scenario.  It gets really old after a while, and thus makes the good girls really annoyed.

But if you are sincerely trying to date to find "The One," then date with that intention, and don't seal the deal or do anything that moves you into another level if that's not your intention with her.

In the Bible it says to "Run the race that is set before us."  Men, think of the woman of your dreams as your race.  She is your finish line.  You start that race with the intention to marry her.  You don't start that race and then not finish it.

The Bible also says to "Let your yes be yes and your no be no."  What that means is to be firm in your decision to date with intention and integrity.  If you have no intention on pursuing anything further, then you need to close that door.  Don't linger, don't continue texting, don't continue to put yourself in a position where you are making it look like you have a continued interest in her.

The guy that continues to linger- the guy who wants to be around, and make his presence known, but with no commitment, is a huge douche.  I dated one, three times.  Shame on me the first two times.  He spent 3 months on the phone with me, morning and night, Skyping, etc.  He was also out of state, and I had just gone through back surgery, so the recovery period for me was what was taking so long for the first date.  Anyways, we met, we had a great time together, etc.  And we had planned on a second visit, which never happened.  Then he slowed his calling, and then the calls stopped- they went to voicemail when I tried to find out what was going on.  We decided to remain friends, and did keep in touch over the years. 

Then I finished a really hard relationship, and he showed up about five (5) weeks later, and reclaimed my attention.  He led me to believe that "in a year" we would begin a future.  We went away for a weekend, and then a loss of a family member consumed his time.  Then he never came back.  I dated a few more people, and then told him that I was interested in more, and began to act that way.  He then shut that down permanently, at his choice.  He said he was firm about only wanting to remain friends.  Remember- His Choice!  I told him that based on his choice, I was going to close that door permanently.  I was no longer going to linger on that hope that he was going to come back and be the man I wanted him to be.  He had really hoped that I wouldn't burn the bridge, and to give him credit that he was upfront with me when he came back after my hard relationship, that he only wanted to continue a friendship.  Yeah, how he wanted to be friends was how I perceived a relationship.  So, with that, I told him that no credit was given, that I felt misled, and that I was permanently done with this situation.  I told him he was not allowed to contact me via email, text, phone or Facebook ever again.  I even blocked him from my Facebook page, along with the lovely friend that introduced us- I felt that her involvement and having had two strikes with people I had met from her was telling that I probably shouldn't be involved with her either.

Now, I have my new man, who took that challenge.  He is actively running the race to make me his finish line.  He's been upfront with me since Day One of his intentions, and he continues to show me that he intends to make me his finish line in the Great Race of Dating with Intention.

The discussions I've had with most couples that make it the distance in their marriage, are the ones where the man ran the race with intension.  A guy I knew proposed to his wife with a diary of their dates, with her engagement ring tied to a few pages in the back.  My parents were together since they were 14, and my mom was treated in such a decadent way, that she wanted no one else.  My grandfather, my dad's dad, wrote my grandmother love letters while he was away at war.  My cousin proposed to his wife, while they were in high school- the cheerleader and the football player- he proposed on a hill above the field on a Friday night that he was to play.  My cousin's mom eloped and was married for over 50 years. 

But these men ran with intentions on a finish line to have the woman they eagerly wanted at their side, at their side for the rest of their lives.  I don't know of a single story in that list that ended in divorce. 

Your love story doesn't have to be the grand soiree or the greatest dance ever, but it does have to be intentional, and that's what makes it special. 

Dating with integrity is merely dating with intention to make the one you want for now and forever your finish line.

I challenge you, men, to that race. 

Time: The Black Hole of Dating and meeting people

Time is one thing to watch in meeting people.  If you feel that the person is just leading you on, you're probably right. 

I write this one this morning in two facets, one for those whose time is being wasted, and for those who waste people's time.

My roommate and I were having a conversation last night in this regard.  The guy she has been talking to for over two weeks has not invited her out for a date yet, due to his child's schedule and his finances.  I told her that the fact that he hasn't scheduled anything yet seems to be a huge red flag, and I would begin to wonder how much further to invest in that future, if there was any.

For those who feel that their time is being wasted- pay attention to the signs of your time being wasted.  1) for scams, people trying to waste your time to gain trust and then money; 2) people that are trying to find someone merely to talk to; 3) those that waste your time to merely get intimate and personal satisfaction.

You have to not only want what you want, but you have to want and work for what you want in a very smart fashion.  You have to see if it's viable.  If you don't meet that person within about a 10 day window, I would say put the brakes on the time investment.  You may be spending too much time in the wrong place.

If that person complaints that they are broke, do you really want to be the "sugar daddy" in that relationship?  Are they broke because of how they manage things? or are they broke because they have a bad paying job and haven't looked for another?  Either way, broke is never a good place to come from in starting a relationship.

So here's to the people that are time wasters, those who lead you on: Go find something else to do.  I am seriously tired of talking to people who find out what I want and work into my trust zone, and then try and violate my time with attempting to gain by financial means, or otherwise.

If you are lonely, go visit people.  If you need money, get a freakin job.  If you are lazy, then you need to stop bothering people.

Time is a horrible thing to waste when your biological clock is ticking.  And it's sad that there are people out there that would violate your time like that.  Be street smart about your time.  If you don't think it's going in the direction you want, cut it off right there.

*Timewaster situation:  A guy I started talking to right before I met my new guy.  Salvador.  I've mentioned him before.  He wanted to talk, and then tell me that I was working too late, or whatever, typical, from what I've experienced, from the Latin Community about women and working.  He missed a weekend to meet me, then a Monday night- claiming that it was too late to be out because he had to be at work super early the next day, and then I met my new guy that Thursday.  I got a second date from my new guy that Saturday.  I went through that weekend without hearing from Salvador, and I didn't care.  By the time he tried contacting me the following week (we're into week 3 of contact), I told him I found someone else and that I wasn't going to be responding to any more text messages.  He put my job down for working too late, he didn't make time for me, and I met someone else.  His loss, my super big gain. 

Don't let anyone else drive your time.  You need to be master of the time domain in this one.

I sincerely hope that my roommate meets this guy, he sounds super super sweet, but I wonder.  He hasn't put her into his schedule yet.  At least she has a deadline she can work with, and go from there. 

The Waiting Room of Life: How most people view singles

 

Ever have people say "you're in the waiting room of life," and that you are waiting to get married.  Ever feel like your life is on hold because of that?

 

Dumbest Words EVER!

 

Why is it that marriage completes you and makes you acceptable to society? Yes, I am in a relationship now, but I've been "independent" most of my adult life.  I have not had long term relationships because I see through a man the minute he makes a misstep in the relationship. 

 

Independence is a great thing.  It is NOT a waiting room.  The period of Independence you experience while single is a great thing: you get to go to bed when you want, you get to discover new beers, new hobbies, travel, and discover who you really are beyond a rigorous schedule of family life.  Why on earth would you want to be tied down when you are just getting to learn about yourself, your likes and expanding your world.

 

I was talking with a 14 year old girl one day, and we got talking about boys and love and all that.  Guys are great, I said, but they are the end all, be all to life.  I told her that I recently had a break up and it was because he wouldn't let me be who I wanted to be.  She thought that was simply novel.  She never viewed life before as not needing a man, and that a man can't make you who you are.

 

What I've done while I was single was doing anything and everything I wanted to do, for the most part and within the financial realms available to me (ie: being a responsible adult and working within the budget).  So far I have traveled to 12 countries, learned a few things in about 5 languages, dated a few foreign guys (that was fun), became a foodie, honed my cooking skillz, got financially independent of my parents (nearly), stayed financially independent from all my boyfriends, paid for 3 cars in cash (rare thing in this day and age), finished college (3x), and have a great career- all while in that great "waiting room of life."  Man, some waiting room, right?

 

So, what are you waiting for?  Most people say you have to become the person you want to be in the marriage before you can find what you want in a marriage.  Become the person you want to be period, it doesn't matter if the man comes along or not.  Be yourself, be the person you want to be, and your life will take the course its supposed to, married or not.

 

Do I regret some of the things I did, yes, but what married person wouldn't say that same thing.

 

Don't ever let anyone put you in a box.  They envy your freedom and weigh you down by labeling you as "waiting." Sounds like they are the ones waiting for life to kick back up.

 

Join the crowd of "I am doing" rather than "I am waiting to do."

 

How do you know it's "The One?" or a close version of it.....

One of my closest friends told me that she knew her man was "The One" when they were on a long car ride, and her brain thought "I could do this for the rest of my life."

I was on the phone just now, and I was listening to a message that my man left me.  The message was long, and for the cynical it was super sugary.  But when it finished, I kept lingering.  When it got to the "Do you want to save this message? Press 9."  I kind of woke up from my dream. 

My man has bought me flowers now 2 weekends in a row, and knows I absolutely love roses.  He makes sure "his baby" is well taken care of and makes sure she has roses.  I have had pink and purple thus far.  I simply adore a man who wants his girl to have the things she loves from a man who loves her without hesitation. 

He has also purchased me a ring dish (enamel with peacocks, my fav.), and we have photos done and in both our residences.  He wants to make sure I am well loved, and I love having those reminders to know that I am loved. 

In return, I have begun a tradition my dad started years ago, I bought him a card of my thoughts when I am not with him.  He'll get another this weekend, if I find it in time.  My dad used to go on business trips and mail us (my mom, me and my brother) separate cards, one for each of us, from the hotel he was staying at, no matter how long or how short the trip was, to make sure we knew we were never out of his mind.  :)

I was informed in my last major relationship that I didn't need affectations or reminders that I was loved.  I never received a birthday card or gift, no Christmas gifts, and the one time he brought me something- was cheesecake for two and the ugliest spray painted daisies ever, after I had my second back surgery.  Yeah, and then the love ran out, and I think it was because I finally woke up from that mess.  (notice he is no longer in my life)

But I am excited that I am so cherished, now, and I truly hope that I can show him how cherished he is to me.  I loved that I didn't want to let that message finish this morning. 

Telephone: Calls, length and the anxiety of it all

Remember those long phone calls, that kept you up til dawn?

And now you look at yourself, and as you are dating in your 30's, you realize that staying up til dawn has a totally different consequence than it did when you were in your teens and college age.  I remember just my drinking ability and how prolific it was in college, and now I'm barely able to have 5 ounces of wine.  Cheap date.

But when you were a teen or in college, it didn't matter if you talked all night, all you had to do was sleep through class the next day.

But here's the other part of reality:  How long are those phone calls, and how are they affecting building the relationship you want?

If you are looking at reality, you have to remember what you are responsible for in consequence to being up all night on the phone.  Being on the phone all night can warrant sleeping at work- not an option I recommend.  Also, it can affect your morning drive time, if for some reason you are not able to properly operate heavy machinery.  Be responsible with your time on the phone with your potential interest.  It could cost you more than the love of your life.

But seriously, how long are you on the phone? How much mystery is being given away during those long hours?

If you are early on in your relationship, these are fascinating and also massively endearing.  However, if you are spending that much time on the phone, how much are you not leaving for next time, or a date?  Do you want to have a full on conversation when you get to a date, or will you already be caught up so you can just stare at them?  Make sure to be able to bring something to a later date, giving away all the information up front.  Guys are notoriously making their snap decisions on the first date, because they can.  What if you wait off to let them into your world until the second or third date, and they might come back.

Also, what is the content of those phone calls?  If you are doing things you wouldn't want your grandmother to hear, that might be a bad sign.  Doing all that over the phone before you are in a committed relationship can spell disaster.  Besides, a lady wouldn't dare spout that from her lips in general, why would that be remotely ladylike to do that then either?

Be sure that those phone calls are worth your time, professionally and socially, and your reputation.

Dating: The Renaissance Festival

The Renaissance Festival: Know your audience before you go.

So, you want to go to the Renaissance Festival.  Here's a few tips before you go for those dating with the "Nice Boy" and "The Good Girl."

For those of us who have read Chaucer, mythology, and early English literature, it comes as no surprise as to the practices of the early English heritage or at the Renaissance Festival.  However, if you are dating an "innocent" who is not exposed to such bawdy language, dress codes, or other "church censored" items, you need either prepare them before you go or get ready for the shock and awe of the exposure.

I suggested going to the Renn Fest this weekend with my new man.  He was excited to go with me, and excited for it being his first time to the Festival.  Little did I know about what kind of exposure he had not been introduced to prior to our visit.  Now, he wasn't too shocked, but rather polite in not staring, so I give him props for making me know that I am the only one he wants to drool at.  However, I told him to enjoy the "historical reference" part of it, rather than the morality reference.  I know that some of it is good upbringing (kudos), but I also know that it comes from having the "censored" versions of Chaucer in high school rather than the bawdy version in college like I got. (Thank you Professor Mike!). 

I further enjoyed pointing out the "no bra" policy.  Bless his heart.

(it was for minor amusement, but also for some historical value).

It was a great time.  We walked around, got food (I love carnival food), saw different vendors and musicians (magnificent, if only I had tip money for them all), and listened in on some of the bawdy versions of children's stories.  We sat and watched a skeleton comedian that bombed out, and still had 8 minutes left to his spiel because he had allotted for more applause and audience participation.  He was trying to do an impression of a celebrity on a rollercoaster, and kept making the roller coaster higher or slower.... LOL...  he bombed really bad, really really bad.

I didn't get to see one of my favorite shows, but he apparently wasn't missed by some of the vendors.  And I also got to have a picture with an Ent (Lord of the Rings reference), who asked to have a picture made with me. :)  I happily obliged. 

But we had a magnificent time, and I enjoyed showing him around, and enjoying the artistry of the vendors.  But I would have prepped him better for the sights had I known. LOL.... I got a good laugh out of the polite "I'm not staring" pose. LOL.....

Dating with Children: When to introduce your child to the new love in your life, the right answer....

I have to say, some men get major props for being so protective about their children and others are just utter disasters, which one are you?

This is for the dad that gets props for being protective of his child.  Someone I know is interested in a single father with a 5-6 year old little girl, and full custody situation, so that you know the majority of the picture.  The little girl has been through 2 "mother figures" and neither were very successful.

Upon a discussion about the friend meeting the new interest's child, he responded that he would introduce the child when he felt that it was time  and when he felt safe and secure in the relationship.  In essence, to make sure that it was not a kiss and dash type relationship.  This dad is very protective of his time with his daughter, has learned how to do mommy things via YouTube (more kudos), and hopes to have a stable mother figure for her when the time is right. 

Dads, if you bring your kid with you on the first date, or your kid is meeting your new interest "the morning after" in your bed, then your priorities need to be re-evaluated.  There is no reason that a child should be involved in your adult relationship too soon, or be exposed to mature behavior.  Your date should also respect that the child is in the house, and wish to keep their distance until such time.  If you are currently seeing someone that isn't careful about how they raise their kids and you want more with that person, rethink your strategy.  He might just do the same thing to your child when you two split up.

I also was involved with someone who had children, though they were live-in extended family members.  I remember when I walked away from that relationship, that I too was leaving those little girls in that man's hands, and wished to God that there was a better path for them.  But knowing about both mothers, I knew that those little girls would face the same fate their mothers would, a traditional role in the family.  (Not saying that there was abuse going on, but he was a rather grumpy type individual, and that he expected women in his circle to take on traditional, burdensome roles that were not "The American Dream" of what a woman would have sought, or at least in my perspective.)

I also remember a guy that ignored phone calls coming from his daughter on our first date.  Mind you she was an adult, but of college age.  That's a very vulnerable time in your life, and parental guidance is a treasure at that point.  When your daughter decides to acknowledge your existence and ask for help or want to talk to you, you should be thankful when you pick up that phone that your child still wants to talk to you.  He let it keep ringing and I finally told him to answer it, and he turned the phone off.  I was less than amused.

Parents who are dating, remember: If you wouldn't want your child to turn out like the person you are dating, then be careful who you expose your child to.  If you want the "dine and dash" type relationships, then you are not a good role model for your child.  That child is the most important responsibility you have, don't mess it up!