In or out: How long is too long? how much drama is too much?

How do you know when it's too much to put up with? What is your threshold?

How do you know when you've had enough, or when the relationship is spouting red flags too early?

My roommate and I were having such a discussion tonight when I came home.  The guy I had been hoping would step up has not, and is beginning to sound snarky, and they haven't had their first date yet.  I told her I believe I would have pulled the plug right then and there.  They haven't even had their first date yet, and he's already sounding snarky-whether it was involving her or not.  

When to pull the plug?  In my honest opinion, pulling the plug can either be simple or complicated, it just depends on how much you put up with.  In my case, I have a low threshold for nonsense, rude behavior and bumpy starts.  

If it takes too long to get a date:  If you are a girl and the guy has strung you along for more than 10 days and hasn't scheduled a date with you, pitch him.

If you are uncomfortable on the first date:  Your mind is telling you something, pay attention.  If he makes you feel uncomfortable either by getting drunk (or near it), making comments that make you feel uncomfortable, treating you in such an unfavorable fashion, treating the staff in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, etc.  Pitch him.

If you experience an unfortunate phone call:  This one is priceless.  Get a phone call in before you schedule your first date.  A guy, years ago, was trying to negotiate a place to meet up for the first time, via text.  Then he called me for the first time.  Then he answered his land line, and it was a close friend.  I heard him say the most inappropriate, racist, and crass, statements that I blushed really bad to think I was about to go out on a first date with this guy (the guy I was on the phone with was white, the friend was black, I was mortified at their conversation).  I texted him the next day to let him know that after a reasonable time to ponder our phone call, I didn't think that we melded well, and I wished him good luck with himself. 

*If what comes out of their mouth makes you uncomfortable, pitch him.

If they are constantly bringing up the issue that they are broke or having money problems:  Another priceless note.  Money is a huge issue in a relationship, and when one is unbalanced with their spending, credit, loans, etc, it can cause a lot of friction.  A LOT.  There is no reason to get involved in a relationship if you cannot afford to do so.  Always think twice if they bring up money issues too early.

Snarky comments at you or about a topic you find of particular interest:  If the person you are talking to begins to answer you in snarky ways, or respond in a way that you cannot respond to other than a negative perspective, then you need to think about how early on in the relationship it is, and how much of it you are willing to go forward to take.  I missed this one early on with my ex, my really hard relationship, and I learned a very hard lesson trying to resurface from all that.  I didn't care for the "pet name" he called me ("Gordis"= Spanish for "fat woman" or Gordita "fat little girl")- he shrugged it off as something his parents called each other.  I didn't care that he didn't respect my financial budgets- he tried to borrow money from me, so I cut him off at $100.  I didn't care what bed he bought "for us" and I made that abundantly known that it was very bad for my back and too warm.  And also if you feel good about yourself and they don't like it, RUN!  You have the right to be recognized for the person you are and loved that way.

Getting too personal too quickly: If they want to know your schedule, your Facebook account, where you work, anything stalkable, you need to tell them to either bad the hell off, or that the information is none of their business until much later.  I have clients and co-workers on my page on Facebook, I don't dare add someone I barely know on that page.  I did have to tell my new guy that he was not to have quick access to my life as it would or could cost me my job or ruin my professional reputation.  I also had to check his Facebook page for approval prior to allowing him on my page.  You can never be too careful.

If you have a fight on your first date, that's definitely a huge red flag.  A man shouldn't provoke a woman and vice versa.  A man should also have enough self control not to fight period.  A wise woman never starts anything.  The book of Proverbs in the Bible explains "contentiousness." 

I'm sure there are more things to consider when you are deciding to press on or cut yourself loose, but these are just the basics.  I hope this can spare some sanity in the journey of singleness.  

Thank you! The blog hit 500 views!

Just a quick thank you to those who have been reading this blog.  Through your interest, the blog hit 500 views this afternoon (eastern standard time).  I am super excited that I get to share the crazy single life through the written word with people who enjoy reading about the single life and the struggle, but probably who relish not having to do it ever again. 

Thank you to the friend who originally inspired the blog.  I wish I could buy her dinner one night. 

But here's a toast to all of you!  Thank you for following along in this crazy world of singledom!

~Melisa

Guys: The Challenge

Guys: I challenge you to dating with integrity.

No, this does not refer to the book "Dating with integrity," however, runs along those lines.  Most women date for the "Happily Ever After."  What are you in the dating game for?

Be honest with yourself- if you are just in it to get the booty call, then do that.  But just do that, don't try and string a nice girl along for the joy ride and dump scenario.  It gets really old after a while, and thus makes the good girls really annoyed.

But if you are sincerely trying to date to find "The One," then date with that intention, and don't seal the deal or do anything that moves you into another level if that's not your intention with her.

In the Bible it says to "Run the race that is set before us."  Men, think of the woman of your dreams as your race.  She is your finish line.  You start that race with the intention to marry her.  You don't start that race and then not finish it.

The Bible also says to "Let your yes be yes and your no be no."  What that means is to be firm in your decision to date with intention and integrity.  If you have no intention on pursuing anything further, then you need to close that door.  Don't linger, don't continue texting, don't continue to put yourself in a position where you are making it look like you have a continued interest in her.

The guy that continues to linger- the guy who wants to be around, and make his presence known, but with no commitment, is a huge douche.  I dated one, three times.  Shame on me the first two times.  He spent 3 months on the phone with me, morning and night, Skyping, etc.  He was also out of state, and I had just gone through back surgery, so the recovery period for me was what was taking so long for the first date.  Anyways, we met, we had a great time together, etc.  And we had planned on a second visit, which never happened.  Then he slowed his calling, and then the calls stopped- they went to voicemail when I tried to find out what was going on.  We decided to remain friends, and did keep in touch over the years. 

Then I finished a really hard relationship, and he showed up about five (5) weeks later, and reclaimed my attention.  He led me to believe that "in a year" we would begin a future.  We went away for a weekend, and then a loss of a family member consumed his time.  Then he never came back.  I dated a few more people, and then told him that I was interested in more, and began to act that way.  He then shut that down permanently, at his choice.  He said he was firm about only wanting to remain friends.  Remember- His Choice!  I told him that based on his choice, I was going to close that door permanently.  I was no longer going to linger on that hope that he was going to come back and be the man I wanted him to be.  He had really hoped that I wouldn't burn the bridge, and to give him credit that he was upfront with me when he came back after my hard relationship, that he only wanted to continue a friendship.  Yeah, how he wanted to be friends was how I perceived a relationship.  So, with that, I told him that no credit was given, that I felt misled, and that I was permanently done with this situation.  I told him he was not allowed to contact me via email, text, phone or Facebook ever again.  I even blocked him from my Facebook page, along with the lovely friend that introduced us- I felt that her involvement and having had two strikes with people I had met from her was telling that I probably shouldn't be involved with her either.

Now, I have my new man, who took that challenge.  He is actively running the race to make me his finish line.  He's been upfront with me since Day One of his intentions, and he continues to show me that he intends to make me his finish line in the Great Race of Dating with Intention.

The discussions I've had with most couples that make it the distance in their marriage, are the ones where the man ran the race with intension.  A guy I knew proposed to his wife with a diary of their dates, with her engagement ring tied to a few pages in the back.  My parents were together since they were 14, and my mom was treated in such a decadent way, that she wanted no one else.  My grandfather, my dad's dad, wrote my grandmother love letters while he was away at war.  My cousin proposed to his wife, while they were in high school- the cheerleader and the football player- he proposed on a hill above the field on a Friday night that he was to play.  My cousin's mom eloped and was married for over 50 years. 

But these men ran with intentions on a finish line to have the woman they eagerly wanted at their side, at their side for the rest of their lives.  I don't know of a single story in that list that ended in divorce. 

Your love story doesn't have to be the grand soiree or the greatest dance ever, but it does have to be intentional, and that's what makes it special. 

Dating with integrity is merely dating with intention to make the one you want for now and forever your finish line.

I challenge you, men, to that race. 

Time: The Black Hole of Dating and meeting people

Time is one thing to watch in meeting people.  If you feel that the person is just leading you on, you're probably right. 

I write this one this morning in two facets, one for those whose time is being wasted, and for those who waste people's time.

My roommate and I were having a conversation last night in this regard.  The guy she has been talking to for over two weeks has not invited her out for a date yet, due to his child's schedule and his finances.  I told her that the fact that he hasn't scheduled anything yet seems to be a huge red flag, and I would begin to wonder how much further to invest in that future, if there was any.

For those who feel that their time is being wasted- pay attention to the signs of your time being wasted.  1) for scams, people trying to waste your time to gain trust and then money; 2) people that are trying to find someone merely to talk to; 3) those that waste your time to merely get intimate and personal satisfaction.

You have to not only want what you want, but you have to want and work for what you want in a very smart fashion.  You have to see if it's viable.  If you don't meet that person within about a 10 day window, I would say put the brakes on the time investment.  You may be spending too much time in the wrong place.

If that person complaints that they are broke, do you really want to be the "sugar daddy" in that relationship?  Are they broke because of how they manage things? or are they broke because they have a bad paying job and haven't looked for another?  Either way, broke is never a good place to come from in starting a relationship.

So here's to the people that are time wasters, those who lead you on: Go find something else to do.  I am seriously tired of talking to people who find out what I want and work into my trust zone, and then try and violate my time with attempting to gain by financial means, or otherwise.

If you are lonely, go visit people.  If you need money, get a freakin job.  If you are lazy, then you need to stop bothering people.

Time is a horrible thing to waste when your biological clock is ticking.  And it's sad that there are people out there that would violate your time like that.  Be street smart about your time.  If you don't think it's going in the direction you want, cut it off right there.

*Timewaster situation:  A guy I started talking to right before I met my new guy.  Salvador.  I've mentioned him before.  He wanted to talk, and then tell me that I was working too late, or whatever, typical, from what I've experienced, from the Latin Community about women and working.  He missed a weekend to meet me, then a Monday night- claiming that it was too late to be out because he had to be at work super early the next day, and then I met my new guy that Thursday.  I got a second date from my new guy that Saturday.  I went through that weekend without hearing from Salvador, and I didn't care.  By the time he tried contacting me the following week (we're into week 3 of contact), I told him I found someone else and that I wasn't going to be responding to any more text messages.  He put my job down for working too late, he didn't make time for me, and I met someone else.  His loss, my super big gain. 

Don't let anyone else drive your time.  You need to be master of the time domain in this one.

I sincerely hope that my roommate meets this guy, he sounds super super sweet, but I wonder.  He hasn't put her into his schedule yet.  At least she has a deadline she can work with, and go from there. 

The Waiting Room of Life: How most people view singles

 

Ever have people say "you're in the waiting room of life," and that you are waiting to get married.  Ever feel like your life is on hold because of that?

 

Dumbest Words EVER!

 

Why is it that marriage completes you and makes you acceptable to society? Yes, I am in a relationship now, but I've been "independent" most of my adult life.  I have not had long term relationships because I see through a man the minute he makes a misstep in the relationship. 

 

Independence is a great thing.  It is NOT a waiting room.  The period of Independence you experience while single is a great thing: you get to go to bed when you want, you get to discover new beers, new hobbies, travel, and discover who you really are beyond a rigorous schedule of family life.  Why on earth would you want to be tied down when you are just getting to learn about yourself, your likes and expanding your world.

 

I was talking with a 14 year old girl one day, and we got talking about boys and love and all that.  Guys are great, I said, but they are the end all, be all to life.  I told her that I recently had a break up and it was because he wouldn't let me be who I wanted to be.  She thought that was simply novel.  She never viewed life before as not needing a man, and that a man can't make you who you are.

 

What I've done while I was single was doing anything and everything I wanted to do, for the most part and within the financial realms available to me (ie: being a responsible adult and working within the budget).  So far I have traveled to 12 countries, learned a few things in about 5 languages, dated a few foreign guys (that was fun), became a foodie, honed my cooking skillz, got financially independent of my parents (nearly), stayed financially independent from all my boyfriends, paid for 3 cars in cash (rare thing in this day and age), finished college (3x), and have a great career- all while in that great "waiting room of life."  Man, some waiting room, right?

 

So, what are you waiting for?  Most people say you have to become the person you want to be in the marriage before you can find what you want in a marriage.  Become the person you want to be period, it doesn't matter if the man comes along or not.  Be yourself, be the person you want to be, and your life will take the course its supposed to, married or not.

 

Do I regret some of the things I did, yes, but what married person wouldn't say that same thing.

 

Don't ever let anyone put you in a box.  They envy your freedom and weigh you down by labeling you as "waiting." Sounds like they are the ones waiting for life to kick back up.

 

Join the crowd of "I am doing" rather than "I am waiting to do."

 

How do you know it's "The One?" or a close version of it.....

One of my closest friends told me that she knew her man was "The One" when they were on a long car ride, and her brain thought "I could do this for the rest of my life."

I was on the phone just now, and I was listening to a message that my man left me.  The message was long, and for the cynical it was super sugary.  But when it finished, I kept lingering.  When it got to the "Do you want to save this message? Press 9."  I kind of woke up from my dream. 

My man has bought me flowers now 2 weekends in a row, and knows I absolutely love roses.  He makes sure "his baby" is well taken care of and makes sure she has roses.  I have had pink and purple thus far.  I simply adore a man who wants his girl to have the things she loves from a man who loves her without hesitation. 

He has also purchased me a ring dish (enamel with peacocks, my fav.), and we have photos done and in both our residences.  He wants to make sure I am well loved, and I love having those reminders to know that I am loved. 

In return, I have begun a tradition my dad started years ago, I bought him a card of my thoughts when I am not with him.  He'll get another this weekend, if I find it in time.  My dad used to go on business trips and mail us (my mom, me and my brother) separate cards, one for each of us, from the hotel he was staying at, no matter how long or how short the trip was, to make sure we knew we were never out of his mind.  :)

I was informed in my last major relationship that I didn't need affectations or reminders that I was loved.  I never received a birthday card or gift, no Christmas gifts, and the one time he brought me something- was cheesecake for two and the ugliest spray painted daisies ever, after I had my second back surgery.  Yeah, and then the love ran out, and I think it was because I finally woke up from that mess.  (notice he is no longer in my life)

But I am excited that I am so cherished, now, and I truly hope that I can show him how cherished he is to me.  I loved that I didn't want to let that message finish this morning. 

Telephone: Calls, length and the anxiety of it all

Remember those long phone calls, that kept you up til dawn?

And now you look at yourself, and as you are dating in your 30's, you realize that staying up til dawn has a totally different consequence than it did when you were in your teens and college age.  I remember just my drinking ability and how prolific it was in college, and now I'm barely able to have 5 ounces of wine.  Cheap date.

But when you were a teen or in college, it didn't matter if you talked all night, all you had to do was sleep through class the next day.

But here's the other part of reality:  How long are those phone calls, and how are they affecting building the relationship you want?

If you are looking at reality, you have to remember what you are responsible for in consequence to being up all night on the phone.  Being on the phone all night can warrant sleeping at work- not an option I recommend.  Also, it can affect your morning drive time, if for some reason you are not able to properly operate heavy machinery.  Be responsible with your time on the phone with your potential interest.  It could cost you more than the love of your life.

But seriously, how long are you on the phone? How much mystery is being given away during those long hours?

If you are early on in your relationship, these are fascinating and also massively endearing.  However, if you are spending that much time on the phone, how much are you not leaving for next time, or a date?  Do you want to have a full on conversation when you get to a date, or will you already be caught up so you can just stare at them?  Make sure to be able to bring something to a later date, giving away all the information up front.  Guys are notoriously making their snap decisions on the first date, because they can.  What if you wait off to let them into your world until the second or third date, and they might come back.

Also, what is the content of those phone calls?  If you are doing things you wouldn't want your grandmother to hear, that might be a bad sign.  Doing all that over the phone before you are in a committed relationship can spell disaster.  Besides, a lady wouldn't dare spout that from her lips in general, why would that be remotely ladylike to do that then either?

Be sure that those phone calls are worth your time, professionally and socially, and your reputation.