The word "Weird": Asset or liability? How do you look at that word?

How do you see weird? Is it a good thing or a bad thing?

In my opinion:

That's right folks: Weird is good.  The generic standard person just doesn't cut it for me.  I like a bit of substance, I like a bit oddity, maybe not full fledged freak, but certainly someone who has a way about them with whatever interests they have. 

I'm not saying you have to go out with the next Star Wars geek you meet, but if that's your angle, go with it.  Do you want another rerun of "Mr. Standard- Snooze-A-Minute?" No, thank you.

Now, I will say that I have had a recent conversation with needing to get a little bit of substance in with my new guy.  Not that I said "Get a life, because I have one.," but just that interests outside of our relationship, and currently early in the relationship, it's best to have something to occupy your time when you're not together. 

Our second date we went to the art museum.  I think he truly enjoyed it, I'm not sure.  But he didn't have a negative opinion about it.  And he was able to recall a print we saw there in a fabric design we saw two weeks later.  That takes some flair.  I don't know many guys that can pull that one off.  And I know my ex would have pitched a fit to spend time in an art museum, that was SOOOOOOO not his bag. 

But we saw an exhibit called Kristina Rogers: Into the Labyrinth.  It was a silver print layered collage black and white exhibition, and primarily in a context I work with quite a bit: cemetery and architectural photography.  I pointed out some fascinating bits of the art, and things I recognized from other periods or design methods, etc.  You could see the light bulb turn on from just looking at art, to someone's crafty handiwork.  It was really awesome to watch someone else enjoy the art as much as I do.

Little did I know that he's into crafts, he went to Hobby Lobby the next week and made me something that sits in my room reminding me that he's there.

So, is weird or different a good thing? Absolutely.

Next time you get a text of "Weird, I know" and a frownie face, just think of all the stuff you like to do that isn't mainstream.  And embrace it!

(cristynna.buzznet.net)



A Modern Woman with a historical twist

Every woman feels the struggle between her traditional roles and modern life.  Men only compound that with what they understand about us. 

Our traditional roles have been what originally defined us: little girl, the hysterical female, the teeny-bopper, mother, wife, grandmother, nurse, secretary, stewardess, telephone operator (the Lily Tomlin reference), the cook (not the chef), girlfriend, grocery shopper, clothing shopper, launderess (the one that does the laundry),  the family's "Girl Friday," soccer mom, PTA mom and her PTA wagon, housekeeper, receptionist (both at home and work), and basically any other supporting role you can possibly imagine. 

We have supported men and our families for most of history.  We make sure that our house is clean, our men are presentable, and our family is well represented and fed. 

This is what most men are looking for in reference to "forever" and also assume that is our ultimate goal, or at least in my experience with dating so far. 

Well, here's the hard part- most women, who have passed the college age and are not married currently- have other things on our plates- our careers, friends, charity work, interests, hobbies, and other things outside the home that are also important to us.  Though we still take care of our household or at least a party for one, we maintain a sense of ourselves as well.  Which some men and the general public miscalculate.

In the process of becoming the modern woman, we stipulate that we can still do the traditional roles, but we also are regular individuals who still care to enjoy life if we don't have people to take care of, wash clothes for, burp, change diapers and all that jazz.  Because our lives don't include those things, either by choice or by waiting, we can include more things into our world. 

I may not have changed a diaper in quite a while, but I can certainly reasonably discuss French and British relations, International Relations, the dynamics between Queen Elizabeth I and her cousin Mary Steward and their successor, the travel tips I've learned over the years, making gingerbread houses with my nephew, and enjoying developing recipes rather than just following them.  And hanging out with children is always an option, but I get to give them back at the end of the day right now.  I can enhance myself while I have the time to do it. 

A woman merely learns to adapt to her environment and make a life out of what she wants to see. 

Fish or Cut Bait: When to cut it down to one person to see where it goes

My roommate and I had such a discussion last night. 

So, when do you make one person priority?

First of all, I'm not one to try and cast a wide net, talk to 100 guys at once and not bother getting back to anyone.  I'm one that likes to find someone with similar goals, similar background, a loving family and a good understanding of themselves.  If I don't see that in a person, I simply don't keep them around.  My roommate is the same way.

When I had my first date with my new guy, I was talking to one other person but had yet to meet him.  As the evening progressed, and we made a date for Saturday, I was intrigued that my new guy was actively pursuing me.  The other guy seemed to think I was going to come to him.  He worked weird hours, only wanted to see about making a date on a weekend, and just lazy about the whole thing.  My new guy and I made a date for Saturday, I didn't talk to the other guy (we'll call him Salvador-which isn't his real name, and I forget what his name was anyways) all weekend.  Salvador finally contacted me the following week, after he had missed two weekends of chances to make a date, and I finally told him that I was seeing someone and that I would no longer be responding to contact.  He wished me good luck and left it at that.

My new guy, on our first date, was nervous that he had "competition."  I don't see it that way.  I see it as "who fits better," kinda like trying on pants.  It's not a competition.  If it was, I would have had a check list to win my heart.  The only thing I needed was someone to show me that they cared and they were actively engaged in making a relationship with me, that simple.  I don't put people through a lot of hoops, but I do put them through a first date and expect a second one to even bother with my interest. 

So, my roommate and I were talking last night.  She has been talking to two guys, and the one that she's really interested in and kinda has the same vibe with her asked her how many guys was he competing against.  She was honest that she had just let the other one go, simply because he wasn't what she was looking for, which made the guy breathe a bit better.  They have yet to meet, but even when you don't get the right vibe in texting or phone calls, you don't want to pursue that in person.  It could be a complete disaster.

But here's the thing: if you are casting a wide net, just like everyone else, don't ask questions that will make you anxious, jealous or upset.  If you know it's going to be an answer you don't want to hear or could potentially hear, don't ask it.  I hate it when guys ask me how many people I've dated, how many people I'm talking to and how many people I've been intimate with.  Who cares? If you like me, is my stats really going to matter? 

So, when to fish or cut bait?

When should you cut off all others (forsake all others)?

When you feel that you are in a safe and secure situation with someone you feel could potentially be a mate. 

I don't play around, if I want to be with someone, I won't bother with others and waste my time.  It's not worth the effort. 

The way I did it this time, was "Gee, this guy is genuinely interested in me for me, and he's real.  He didn't put me off like the other guy did."  So, second date, my new guy got the kiss he didn't get on the first date, and he got to watch me light up with the idea of us and the art exhibit he took me to (of his own free will).  He invests in me far more than any man has yet.  And I love it.

I have lovely gifts from him that daily reminds me that I am special to him.  Including this sweet nightlight cube that has some of his texts on it to me.  :)

Deal Breaker: Make it or Break it

You have to decide what you want in life, and what is worth not having.

People forget "their list" once they find this person "The One."  People need to keep in mind what they want, so that they don't find themselves losing their greatest goals in life later on.

Is Children on your "Want" or "Don't Want" List?

Is a House on that list?

Is Education on that list?

What else can be deal makers or breakers are things like: faith, background, anger issues or management, children and how many, lifestyle, finances (the big #1 reason people get divorced), and quality time with each other.

I'm not saying all these need to be hashed out on your first, second or third date, but you need to pay attention to these before you say "yes" to that engagement ring.

If you don't want children, and your partner does, that could be a huge ordeal to address later on, and they may feel deceived if they don't get that part of their legacy.

Pay attention to your goals, their goals and what works in the relationship.

Why am I writing this? What's the purpose?

People have asked me why I am blogging while dating?

Why not?

Seriously, there are seriously funny things that people should read about these awkward vignettes of life, and then there are some truly atrocious things that should come to light.  In this day and age, where you can hide behind a screen until you meet them, you can be anyone you want to be, even to the point of defrauding someone of their dreams of forever or worse, their credit liabilities.

My roommate and I are "thirty-somethings" that are currently on a mission to find the men in our lives that make our lives better than what it was without them.  Though I only generally blog about my experiences and history, anytime she gives me fodder, I'm going to discuss it.

The other part to this is that I, along with other women (and men), are experiencing some seriously bad behavior online and in person.  If you haven't been propositioned for sex yet, you aren't online.  I have been emailed for all sorts of illicit behavior, asked about my personal preferences, and intimacy online before we even met.  I think people have managed to hide behind their computer screen too well, and have really lost their zest for approaching real people.  What if everyone had a level playing field with dating, wouldn't that be a nice dream?

 

So, in an effort to let other people know that "you are not alone," I am blogging experiences I come across in order to either discuss the norm as to what should happen, a correct response to what happened, or expose stupidities in our dating age. 

So that's my "Why?" moment.  If you want me to discuss a certain topic, post a comment, email me a request.  I will be more than happy to discuss your topic. :)

If I could, with this one little blog, change the bad behaviors of dating, that would be awesome. 

Manners Matter: my stint on Emily Post

Have you ever seen one of these?

So, why am I writing on this? Because I believe Manners Matter, and it affects who you are, what you do and how far you go in life.

What few men realize is that women are actually paying attention to what they do, how they act, and their general deportment prior to accepting a second date, or even a first date.

I can't stand to watch someone pile the used napkins on the table, anything used as a handkerchief on the table, tipping badly, taking too much time with the waitress (they are making tips, so if you're visiting with her, she's not making money), or how much mess they make at the table.

Dining manners are probably the easiest to tell if they can slide into your world.  If they make you uncomfortable while at dinner, chances are they are going to make you uncomfortable other places too.  And guys and gals, it doesn't hurt to buy (and read) a simply etiquette book to find out what is generally accepted.

Now, in reference to people with money:  You can have all the money in the world and lack class and manners, trust me, I've seen it.  You can be poor as church mice and still have valuable manners.  My family happens to be from some very wealthy family heritages, however, due to the stock market amongst other things, did not turn out the rich, wealthy and philanthropic individuals we were trained to be.  However, we are still who we are and our manners let us fit easily into any situation.  Thank you, Mom.

A few tips I highly recommend:

* Make sure you are dressed neatly

* Take a shower (a rolling trash can is so unappetizing)

* Bad breath is a major turn off

* Don't talk about finances on the first couple of dates

* Don't get up in someone's space without an invitation to do so

* Use your fork and knife correctly

* Make sure you use body language correctly (don't waive a taxi down if you don't intend to ride, be quick and concise with the wait staff and don't waste their time)

* The napkin goes in your lap for the meal (not in your shirt!)

* Make sure your hands are clean to be in the communal chip or appetizer bowl (trust me, I don't touch a bowl once I know it's contaminated)

* Make sure to be prompt with your order and don't waste the staff's time with dubious questions that you could Google.  If you want to visit, get a friend or talk to your date.

* and be ready to pay, whatever gender you are.  Girls, if you get an awkward feeling, pay for your meal and jet.  You don't have to putz around with this dude.  Guys, be prepared to pay for the entire meal, unless you specified it was Dutch.  Always be prepared to be the gentleman.

* and please and thank you!

I don't care about elbows, it's a minor relaxed look, but these are the ones I've come across that could really ruin a date. Guys and girls beware.

~M



Alcohol and the First, Second and Third date: What not to do

Patti Stanger always has a two drink maximum at her events: Why?

If you are going to find true love, the sober option is always the way to go.  Patti Stanger, of the Millionaire Matchmaker, always recommends having no more than two drinks on date.  Why, you ask?  So that you aren't looking through a bottle to make the biggest decision of your life.

I went on a date earlier this year with a guy who drank, and was known for drinking.  I ordered unsweet ice tea, he ordered a white Russian.  Off the bat, I knew I was going to be watching to see how many he would drink.  Turned out to be only two, but how much had he been drinking before meeting me?

I also have a friend who is known as a partier, and I knew on our second outing that there was no way this could turn into a romantic situation, and the third outing proved it.  2nd outing, he had at least 2 beers and then liquor on top of it (liquor before beer, beer before liquor, you do the math).  3rd outing he did the same thing, only he was too drunk to drive home and had already "Uber'd" over to the pub.  He asked me to drive home, only he then had a near accident in my car from either food poisoning or alcohol, but we'll never know.  All I know is that I was praying I wasn't going to have to spray out my car.  Thank goodness it didn't happen.

Patti, as well as others, recommend a sober approach to "Happily Ever After."  It makes for a more comprehensive assessment of who you are, rather than hiding your personality behind liquor.  It also helps so that you don't make a fool out of yourself.  I know more than just a few people who make a fool out of themselves when alcohol is involved.

Do yourself a favor, and don't embarrass yourself in public: 2 drink maximum.  And be classy, don't be like this woman.  Have them one at a time.

Money and Love: Gotta figure out when they mix

If a man asks what your credit score is or what your financial situation is on your first date, RUN!

As a woman who has a career and a stable income, money is a concern of mine: 1) keeping my regular life running 2) not getting into financial situations that would cause loss of such. 

Folks, remember this: Money is just as personal as your social security number, don't discuss it, don't bring it up, and don't force it on someone else.  Your first few dates should be fun, and non-money conscious.  You shouldn't be stressed out with finances on your first few dates.

If someone is spouting how much they make, how much they spend, what they spend it on, and financial settlements to get rid of former spouses, run!!!!  I was on a date with a guy over a year ago, and that was all he could talk about.  I don't mind having some money, but there are classy people with money and trashy people with money, he just happen to be the latter.  Trashy people with money brag about what they make, what they spend their money on and other things.  Also, you should be educated enough to guess whether they are spending their money wisely or not too.  This guy bought a Harley, but he bought one of those traveler types that looks like a Honda, not the classy Harley that most people buy.  What a schmuck.

The flip side of this is for guys. Be careful what kind of woman you let into your life.  I've heard stories for years of women who just want to drain you of your money and then leave you.  I'm currently experiencing a friend who is cleaning up after such an event.  Only it came with a few extra factors: He married her, and she had children.  She got them in such a financial fix that he didn't authorize that when he tried to fight her for it, she threatened to charge him with child abuse or sexual abuse of a minor, etc. 

Another woman I heard of, she saw the guy's family home and automatically assumed that the family had money.  She was in for a treat.  She got pregnant, and won a child support award of a monthly stipend.  But in the process of attempting to establish family contact, she tried to blackmail the guy's family for $300 or so per visit with the child.  Since the family found out there were no grandparents rights in that state, the grandmother got smart and said "We'll see him when he turns 18."

I see more and more women attempting to lure men into pregnancies to get them to marry them, and then the guys end up in situations that they can't dig themselves out of, or women who are brought so low because their partner expected to drain them of all the cash, leaving them with nothing.

Don't be one of these victims, protect yourself against this money issue. 

I will admit, I am one of those women who got into a financial fix, twice.  My first boyfriend in college, I blew through my summer savings in 2 months with gas, meals and spending time with his family.  I had no money for the follow college semester, so I had to go back to work, and that was the end of our relationship, I was simply out of money.  The second situation, and my last long-term relationship, was also that way.  He thought I made a lot of money, and so he would take us out for $90 dinners, and then we would go out to Dean and Deluca or Amelie's and he would say "Your turn, you pick this one up." Not asking, not even offering to pick up the tab as he should, he just told me to pay it.  About three weeks into this issue, I said that we needed to cut our expenses, I was tired of spending money that I didn't plan on because he was spending beyond his means. 

about a year after we started dating, he broke his phone and begged me to fund a replacement.  I flatly said "No. That is not my responsibility."  He was frustrated, but once he got a new phone, he was fine.  He said it hurt his business not to have a phone, but he should have thought about that while he was spending hundreds of dollars on meals.  The replacement phone was only $80.

I then moved out, at his wish, and moved into my own apartment.  He started in on his controlling methods, and I just wasn't having any of it.  He was trying to tell me that if he had spent money on something that he would have beat me if I threw it out (it being a bamboo cutting board).  I told him for the interest of my cooking and my personal preference not to have splinters in my food, that I didn't care what he thought and that I was going to throw it away regardless.  I wasn't going to compromise my cooking for a bamboo splinter.  He wasn't happy.

I noticed something was up when he started putting off scheduling and booking a vacation I had been talking about for at least 6 months.  I told him, we need to get the hotel room if we're going, and that was three times between March and June.  He continued to put me off, and when it was time for the trip, he never said anything about it.  I quietly left without telling him, leaving him to find out that I had left for the beach on Facebook.  Best come back I could have ever enjoyed.  He texted me that night and said "Did you leave for the beach?"  I texted back "I'm already at the beach, and on a ghost tour.  I will talk to you later."  It took me two days before contacting him again, and then none of it was by phone, text only.  The last text I remember sending him was a notice to come get his things from my mother's.  That's when I dumped him and he didn't even know what hit him. (best feeling in the world).

You have to be savvy about your money.  If you allow someone else to spend it, it will simply be gone before you know it.  Don't authorize anything that you don't want, or that gives them complete control to damage your credit.  Be very careful about anyone asking you to open a credit card, use your debit card, open an account, use your 401K, or even want to know what you make, right off the bat.

Dave Ramsey is one of the best financial advisors I know, take a class with Financial Peace University.  Get settled into your own finances, and then you will know what is your business and what isn't someone else's. http://www.daveramsey.com/fpu

People who get into your financial discussions too quickly should be red-flagged for a reason. 

A woman's identity in her 30's, and guys who don't understand that.

I recently had a guy tell me that when we get married, I didn't need to hyphenate my name.  I would take his name.  Hmmmmm.....  

I don't mind the request, I think it's cute, but being a woman in my mid 30's, that's just not generally an option any more.  I've had that name since I turned legal, so everything I am, socially, legally and professionally are wrapped up in my maiden name.

It used to be that a woman got married and made babies.  As simple as that.  But throw in the Women's Movement of the 60's, college, a career, etc, and you have an identity crisis.  Women are no longer making marriage their first choice, but rather the "at last" choice, for good or for bad.  Neither of which is good, but neither is bad either.  There are women who got married straight after college who maintain their maiden name in their name, and there are some that ditch representation of their familial genes all together by adopting a different name.  The one thing we are making a point about is that our identity as ourselves matter.  We are individuals in this world and want to be recognized as such.

So, the request and my response:  I told him that he forgot the hyphen.  He said why do you need to hyphenate?  I said because it's my choice and also because my name is wrapped in my professional matters.  It didn't phase him one bit.  He asked again, and I finally said "Why do you care whether I change my name or not?" Really? What is his interest in my name?  Isn't that my part?

I started thinking about it seriously, why does it bother me so bad to take his name, if we in fact do get married? 

(For my friends that are reading this, don't pull your calendars out for a wedding date, I'm not there yet). 

My name: My familial name, my roots, my heritage, my history, my genetic link, my memories.  I've also built my education on that last name, my profession on that last name, and my personal reputation.  To be simply annexed when I say "I do" is not what I want, I have an identity, I have a voice in this world.

My favorite part of my name is that it has a link with Savannah, my favorite historical city.  Why on earth would I want to relinquish that particular link? 

Though I cherish the day I get to say "I do," I don't relish all the paperwork that comes with it to merely change my name from my maiden to my married name, and then have to explain to the world "Oh, yeah, that's me, I got married and my name is now ____________."  I know people in my profession who don't go through all that.  I prefer to be one of them. 

Thankfully it's not a discussion of "Your last name is awful, I'm not taking that!"  but rather tradition versus profession discussion.

I think what people forget is that making that decision isn't easy anymore.  It's not merely gaining a name, it's gaining all the reporting the change that goes with it.  Not to mention the cost, and the risk of losing a lot professionally due to a name change. 

At least it's not a Phoebe issue, with what she changed her name to after the wedding.

Could be a LOT worse.

Freedom within a relationship

Freedom as a woman and an individual is hard to come by when you are in a relationship, be thankful when it comes along. 

So, I had a weekend with my guy this past weekend.  We spent time talking about pertinent things, and getting to really see how the other thinks and approaches things as far as finances, household stuff, food (he definitely doesn't cook, but MAN! can he clean!), learning things about each other, and teaching each other things.  I taught him about wine and hummus this weekend, and he taught me about his food preferences (no mushrooms!).

He's teaching me that day by day, he is truly interested in me and my interests, and my hopes and dreams.  He's teaching me that I can teach him to enjoy life, as we all need to.

Through that, he was supportive this weekend, and made me feel very much appreciated.  In that, I felt that I could share my blessing with someone else, and I did just that.  I did make sure he knew that I was able to pay for things on my own, so the gift for the friend was paid for by me, and so it was directly from me.

I truly hope that this relationship is what it is on the face of it.  Because if I'm able to share the love, then that's what I truly hope I can continue to do.  I think overall, a relationship should be supportive and growing in such a way that it increases your ability to share with the community around it.  Some of the most powerful Christian Couples I know are that way.  They love each other enough to be free in ministering to another individual that they feel led to minister to.



First Meetings and First Meeting Anxiety

How many people are good at meeting people for the first time?  Then add "Forever" on to that.  Too much pressure? YES!!!!

I put the emphasis on this title because it's true.  I think first dates are becoming meetings with too many hopes and dreams packed into the most awkward moment of our lives.  How many people actually do well with first introductions and immediately being attached at the hip to that person, let alone kissing, and all that a relationship entails.  Slow the hell down, folks. 

They just got to know you, and you want what?

I had a date years ago that didn't make it past the chat after the first date because of what this person was asking (actually demanding) of me.  Like, Dude, I just met you and you want what? 

I think people put wayyyyy too much pressure into a first date.  I like to just have dinner or a drink and visit.  I don't want to jump to a job interview of the person, I don't want to talk about intimate subjects, I don't want to know your family.  None of this should come up on a first date. 

I've been asked to allow access to my Facebook page before the first date.  I always hold off on that, because I have my professional and social life on Facebook.  I'm not going to have someone on my page I have never met in person go in and post all over my wall, view all my pictures, and read some pretty personal stuff.  That's what filters are for, to keep people out.  I don't know you, why would you ask that?

First dates should be meetings of new people: introductions, drinks, good conversation, etc.  You don't have to make a snap decision as to whether this person is going to be the mother of your children (or father of your children) in a 90 minutes or less period.  That's like asking for a mail order bride.  If I wanted to be one of those, I would have signed up for that website. 

It's a headache, and a rollercoaster to put all that into one date.  It's more like getting a chance to merely look at someone before you make the decision to even hold hands with this person.

Things that shouldn't be addressed on a first date, before a first date or within 24 hours of you meeting: When's the wedding? When are we getting pregnant? When do I get to meet your parents? The famous and awkward "I love you." Anything in regards to sexual preferences (this always comes up on initial talks with people on websites, WTH?).  Can you pay for the meal, or at least your own (Guys, if you want to score points, pay for the entire meal, don't fuss that she needs to pay her own.  If a guy invites, he should pay.  If a girl invites, she's generally paying for at least her drink.).

The best way to get a door slammed in your face, a decline of even a first date, or someone having a panic attack is to be planning forever in the first meeting, or planning what hotel to go to.  Nothing says "Forever" like putting the cart before the horse.

So, what should a first date be?  A first date should be a visit, a chat, a drink.  Find out who you are as individuals, hobbies, favorite foods, etc.  You should be able to determine what types of topics you want to discuss due to the amount of talking you should do before the first date.  You should be able to determine whether you want to get to know this guy or not. 

Do not throw in all the pressures of life with a first date, it should never be anything like an arranged marriage- awkward on all accounts, because you haven't met that person before.  You should be able to get two dates in before discussing anything pertinent or private.  Period.

Details, details, details

Details, details, details..... One man's perspective.

This was the most priceless discussion, and I think it shall reign as the all supreme of dating thoughts. 

By the way, the reference for this discussion is the "Grossed Out" entry in this blog.  Gotta read that to figure out what the basis of this discussion was.

"I wish women weren't so detailed"

This was the comment that flowed from a friend's mouth on Tuesday night.  I have been trying to help with the girl search, and I have been giving (what I thought) was great tips, discussions, and help with women, his wardrobe and what looks sharp on him, and overall appearance.  I even helped him prep for a singles event with a mini manicure one night.  I feel like his big sister.

The biggest flaw in his thinking is that a woman is going to go near a man who isn't detailed oriented.  A woman who is independent, social, and cares for herself, is going to expect that out of her partner.  We are in our 30's, we've gone from being sloppy in college, to the beginnings of our careers, and now we are settled with ourselves, our paths in life, and life overall.  A woman, married or not, is paying attention to how she presents herself to others, socially, professionally, and in her familial circles.  The last thing she wants is a man who reflects the complete opposite: sloppy, non-hygienic, thoughtless, and unwilling to fix himself. 

So, the comment came up as we were having dinner, my friend, my roommate and I were out celebrating my birthday.  I am thankful I have such wonderful people in my life. 

Our discussion was about dating, men and women, etc.  He mentioned that this one girl he was interested had postponed again, but that she had been texting him non-stop for a few days.  I said that sounded suspicious, and thought that the girl had other motives at hand rather than a good relationship.  So did my roommate.

I also wanted to know about his upcoming date with another young lady, and I forgot what went on about that discussion.... but out of nowhere, the comment comes out.... "I wish women weren't so detailed."  and me and my roommate about choked......

Having been on our own a good chunk of our adult lives, sans a man, we have been the point person for how we are projected in society, and fight against some serious stereotypes doing it.  So, women not needing to be detailed oriented? Barking up the wrong tree, dude.

I leaned over to my roommate and said "Gee, if men were detail oriented, we wouldn't have The Leaning Tower of Pisa."  Which brought on another chuckle from my roommate.

I wish we could explain to him that it is necessary to pay attention to one's appearance and hygiene, but I don't think it's going to work.  But hey, it was a funny discussion.



And..... I met someone....

I didn't expect it to be this quick, I really didn't, but I'm glad it did.

We met last Thursday, had dinner, walked and talked.  Saturday we had a really long visit.  He is from out of town, and though the drive is less than a hour, we wanted to maximize the time.

I'm looking forward to having some time with him this weekend.  :)

After the First Date: He Texted this afternoon

Well, that wasn't the case, but he did text back.  So far, I have gotten 15 texts from him this afternoon.  Not in an over-obsessed way, in an "Over the Moon" way. 

No worries.  This is a process that I haven't gotten through the first step yet: getting to know him.

Men, Competition, and the Double Standard

The ongoing saga of dating: What is right for men versus what's right for women.  In this case, it's competition and expectations of seeing multiple people.

I think it takes men by surprise that women have more than one man in play.  When I say I'm talking to another guy, other than the one I'm with at the moment, they get kind of put out or slightly more aggressive for my attention.  I was on an online dating program, months ago, and I told a guy I'm doing what all the guys were doing, casting a wide net, and he got really put out and stopped talking to me.

Another, my date last night, got a little bit more straightforward about his hopes and dreams for us, and that he really felt like he was in competition with someone whom I hadn't even met yet.  He wanted to know who had the edge.  I told him last night, that since this was the first date I got out of either of them and the other had messed up his schedule to meet me twice, not to mention the other's language barrier, it was definitely a no-brainer.  He was relieved after that. 

So, what makes women seeing more than one man any different than a guy seeing a different girl every night?  Why does that make us terrible people when we are told not to keep all our eggs in one basket, and that makes the guy "the champ" of love?  Double standards are everywhere, and this one, to me, is disturbing.

It doesn't make me any less virtuous, it doesn't make me a commitment-phobe, it doesn't make me a tart.  But yet, it makes the guy look like he's the man of the hour, that he should be hailed for being able see whomever he wants, at his bidding.

Since sex is so prevalent in this day and age, I can see where that plays into the puzzle, but if you hold to what you want, and hold off on that, it doesn't matter whose in play. 

Since I haven't begun to incorporate either into my life yet, and I have only had one date from one of them, I am certainly not going to make a snap decision in who's going to "survive" this ultimate game of "forever."  My investment is in my goals, dreams and needs, not in making any man be the "Tarzan" of my life.



After the First Date: The Waiting Game

So, now, the wait is on. 

Whether it's for the second date or a mere text, the wait is on.

So, there was a first date last night, with a guy.  He was very sweet, very enthusiastic, and very forthcoming with his hopes and dreams in regards to "us."

He saw me as I walked up, he was sitting in his car on the phone with a friend.  He realized I walked into the bar and didn't notice him.  He told me that the phone call went a little like this:  "She just walked in and didn't see me.  She's HOT!"  The friend asked "How's her butt?"  He said "Great!"  The friend asked "How's her front?" and he replied "Now, that's getting a little personal!" and then he later replied that it was pretty good too.  LOL....

We sat, we talked, we laughed, we shared food.  It was the first time he had calamari (I eat it when I go out).  It was a really good vibe. 

But the one thing I've learned over the years: Never put all your eggs in one basket, much less the first date. 

Bless his heart, he was definitely in the "Happily Ever After" mode.  I wish I had that much enthusiasm.  He was already planning kids.  He's a twin, so the genetics percentage discussion had to come out.  He said he had a lot of bad responses when he tells girls that because he is a twin, the likelihood of a first pregnancy having twins is really high.  My opinion: my age also complicates that, as the fact that as I age, multiples are also a factor.  Does that matter to me? Not really.  My spine surgeon might, but that's not a deal breaker for me.

He loved the way I looked, dressed, had all my "stuff" together with life.  We took a walk and talked and just enjoyed each other's company.  He was just gushing.  He said he would come back on Saturday for a second date.

The flip side:  My reserves were definitely on.  Why?

1) First date: I never know if there's going to be a second one.  I've been burned a lot when there is a second date anticipated.  Sometimes I'll ask, and then wait for the set up, and then it'll never happen.  Sometimes I'll wait a few days for the second date invite to come, and I get a presumptive message that "Hey, I really don't think it's going to work.  I just don't think this is what I'm looking for."- I got that the last time, what an idiot. 

2) Do I ever really know what the real intentions are?  I found out 18 months into a relationship that my money (what little I made) was what he was hedging on.  He would pay for high end meals, then expect me to pay for high end dessert and coffee adventures afterwards, every weekend.  After a second trip to Amelie's, at my expense, I finally said "enough."  Sometimes I get the feeling that major losers are trying to get a meal ticket, since I have a good job and educated and all that jazz.  To a middle class person, I don't make a lot but to a loser, I am rich. 

3) I was always taught never to put all my eggs in one basket.  I was always taught that men are fickle and that this may not be what he is looking for.  Considering the 3 scams I've already gone through in the last 6 months, along with some bully posing as military personnel out of New York, and jerks that don't want substance but rather they want a spinner (Patty Stanger reference).  I've been taught to cast a wide net and see what comes up.

4) Cinderella's Happily Ever After discussion usually causes a guy to bolt.  And I told him this last night.  I told him that if I actually discussed and laid out all my "happily ever after" plans on the table on a first night, usually the guy would just bolt.  I told him that being burned so much, I don't put a lot out on the table on a first date.  I'm not going to put myself through that every time.

So, here's my impression of him through the first date glasses:  I thought him to be very attentive, very attractive, very fun, and very forward (but in an honest way, not an intimidating oversexed type of way).  He's a hard worker and has goals, short and long term, in his life.  He makes his life happen for him.  Not to mention, he has blue eyes and blond hair.  Just absolutely adorable.  **Biggest Plus, his accent isn't so thick that I couldn't understand him.  I get that a lot, and it's a really bad rerun of constantly asking for people to say things again and again, and again. 

I was absolutely flattered to be out with him last night, with him gushing all over me.  But with all my reservations about first dates, being flattered was all I could say. 

He did call me while he was on his way home, and we talked for a good while.  I may not like being on the phone a lot, but this one was different.  But considering we were still on the evening of a first date, I was still a bit reserved.

I hate that I am that reserved about things, but that's all experience, both in love and life.

So, I guess this is a stay tuned to see what happens.

Nicknames before the first date: Do or Don't?

I'm all for attachment, I'm all for building a relationship, I'm all for enjoying the nicknames.

Just not before the first date.

It started with "Hi Baby" "Hi Mi Amor" etc. You get the idea.  But as the conversations rolled on, I began to ask "Please call me by my name, which is _______."  Some got with the program, and others did one of two things, either kept calling me the chosen nickname to make it easier for them, or kept calling me the nickname that they liked for me, regardless of my request.

Is that disrespectful? To nickname someone you haven't even met yet? I get doing that at home when you are conversing with someone and you need an easy description for a general discussion (me and my roommate do this for people we discuss). 

But when it comes to a guy you don't know, how does that make you feel?  Does that make it okay that he's trying to encompass you in his world? Is that his real intention?  Or does he not respect you enough to find out who you actually are?

The guy I have a date with tonight, got with the program, and he also insists I call him by his first name.  Which totally works, and I like his first name- great book in the bible. 

The other guy, I'm wary about.  I don't like nicknames that aren't unique, and he already doesn't like it that I enjoy my work so much, or so I gather.

So, in your personal opinion, is it something to pay attention to? or is it something that's cute?

I just don't want to get scammed again, or worse called "Fat."  My last long-term boyfriend, though typical in his culture, was severely offensive to me.  He would call me "Gordis" (Fatty) because that's what his dad called his mom.  I just got used to it, but I started fighting back shortly before I dumped him. (it was worth it).



Before the First Date: The Fast Lane (SLOW DOWN!!!)

Kind of having a fast lane moment.  The guy I'm having a first date with tonight, is asking all these very premature questions.  I've had to calm him down or back him down a few times already, but it's nothing lewd or whatever, it's putting the cart before the horse.

I feel like he got here:

and

While I'm here:

He's asked: "So, do you want me in your life?"

My mind is going: Wait, how did we get here? I haven't even met him yet? How do I know?

And if I tell him anything remotely to what he's asking me, he'll do this:

Please give me a minute to get my brain in line with my wants.  Let me meet you first to see if there is a possibility, not only physically, but if you fit in my world.

Date tonight: This should be interesting

This is the first date I've had with the online dating thing, since this past spring.  I was set up on a date by a darling friend, but that didn't work out. 

This one sent me an email introducing himself.  He is from a tiny, tiny, tiny town in North Carolina that I didn't even recognize.  And he is actually driving to Charlotte to meet me. 

We'll see how the date goes.  I try not to get too overexcited about things, due to the obvious fact that things haven't worked out so far, or worse all the scamming I've endured.  I've also been subject to guys that have so many bills that they try to find a girl that makes money, to support their stupid mistakes. 

So far he seems nice.  I did however have to give a push back, just a little and mind you I haven't met him yet, when he asked where I worked, what I did, what I drove, and if he could have access to my Facebook Account.  I had to let him know that since I don't know him, I'm not about to give him that kind of access to my life, especially since I have client contacts and business networks on my Facebook page.  I'm not putting my life on the line for someone I don't know.

So, good luck to the contender.  Let's see how it goes, and the most important part: if there will be a second date.  I always allow for a second date, but with this whole "make up your mind on the first date" business, that's always on the guy as to whether or not it's worth pursuing.  

Grossed out: How long do you wait to pitch someone that grosses you out, friend or date?

How much is TOO MUCH for you?

How much is too much before you have to say "Adios" to the person?"  How far are you willing to go to help them become a delightful human being before you just have to turn and flee?

I've dated guys that have dressed bad, smelled bad, needed a hair cut, had holes in their favorite shirt, etc.  But it's all superficial, right? A little tweak and you're good to go.

I'm not one to ditch a guy for a simple flaw, but when ignored with constant advise, that's when I have to start evaluating things.  If I can fix it, and it stays fixed, no problems.

Even with friends and such, if the item I fixed or helped or advised with doesn't get taken seriously, I have to evaluate whether or not I can continue with the friendship.  That includes friendly advise, instructions on care of stuff, etc.

On the dating perspective, if I have told a guy at least 3 times to do something that fixes a minor flaw that I can't stand that's a sign that there's more battles to come.

I remember when I asked my last long-term boyfriend to get a pedicure if he wanted his feet rubbed.  He was told several (like 6 or more) times to get a pedicure, because there was NO WAY I was getting anywhere near those nasty feet with my hands.  Hands that make great meals and good massages.  Those were some seriously nasty feet, I kid you not.  I finally left the discussion alone, after several attempts to get him to a nail salon for a pedicure.  Then on the flip side, he made his choice to hear me tell him no when he asked for a foot rub. 

I still got foot rubs because my feet were nice, and he loved rubbing my feet. 

(we're no longer together for more reasons than that)

I have also had a fingernail issue with someone I know.  I rarely gripe about things, but when I do, I have a good reason to do it.  (I think my mother would disagree about my griping, but it is what it is).  I have had several friends tell me that if they are on a date, they do look at a guy's hands to see what their hygiene levels are.  This friend doesn't believe me, and actually got a nurse to agree with them.  (Let me say this, that nurse should be fired for improper hygiene.  I remember when a friend of mine when through the nursing program at college, there were some very strict stipulations for hands and hygiene, including no acrylic nails.  I can't imagine ever having a nurse that had filthy hands). 

Finger nails in public should not look like you have been in the manure all day, I don't care who you are.  If you are in an office all day, there is no need for your nails to look that way.  And if you are going on a potential mate hunt, you best be dressed to impress- including your damn nails.

I'm just saying.

If you want to look like a farm hand, go right ahead, but don't come anywhere near my kitchen with those hands.


Update: According to my mother, this particular person isn't interested in dropping the subject and applying good hygiene to their schedule.  So, I doubt I will be pursuing that friendship much longer.  It grosses me out too much.

Kissing on the First Date: Do or Don't?

Kisses are supposed to be romantic. 

When did they become resume fodder for the first date?

I don't generally kiss on the first date.  "Why?" you may ask.  My parents always ask.  ALWAYS.  It beats the blushing I have to go through when I do have to admit it. I've only had to do that once so far.

The other part to that is that it beats having to kiss a lot of toads too.  Those guys who are presumptive enough to figure that all their hopes and dreams are rolled into the most nervous event of your life: the first date.  There are plenty of guys in my life who have not earned a kiss, I am proud to say.  They didn't give me a chance to get to know them, nor did they earn my personal space.  They assumed too much, too fast, and bolted.  Their loss.

If I'm not going to get a second date, why bother kissing someone I'm never going to see again? Right?

Why can't it be that moment when the two of you have really fallen for one another, and want to see if you can both enjoy that moment? 

Why does it have to be SOOOOOOO rushed?

From what I gather, men have put all their hopes and dreams, and reality, into this one little kiss.  I get the whole romantic angle of it, but what about finding out who this girl is, getting a chance to figure out if she's actually who she says she is, her character, her likes, her hopes and dreams.  Is that so wrong to ask?  I have a better romantic connection to a guy if he has spent time with me, figured out who I am, and if I can stand to get near him. (yes, you have to earn to be in my space.)

And besides, how many people would say that any thing, the first time, was awesome and told you all about what you would have in the future from that one little event?  Think about it.

I've read in a few articles to kiss on the first date.  One article almost made it sound mandatory, like "If you don't kiss on the first date, you won't get a second date."  I don't care, saves me some spit and sharing my germs.  Perfect.  Another article I read said that the third date was the "Overnighter Date."  Yeah, thanks, I'll pass on that too.  If I was with every guy I got to a third date with, that would be a few more than the ones I've kissed, but still, I prefer to maintain my dignity rather than show the guy what I can do.  Better save that for a more long-term relationship than "3rd times the charm," right?

This day and age, things are required too quickly.  I remember a guy telling me all the things he expected within a few days of our first meeting and I told him that he needs to find someone else, preferably a girl that gets paid for that (that's about as descriptive as I'm gonna get on that one, I promise).  I don't go for the guy's timeline.  If they want to push it, they can push themselves right back through my front door.  I'm not being pushed into making snap decisions, stupid mistakes, and having to clean up those mistakes later. 

I put out on one of my dating profiles that I don't kiss on the first date, and date #3 is not the "overnighter date" and that I would let you know when I was ready.  Not ONE email.  I got a lot of repeat visits from guys on my profile, but not one email from a guy.  So, I guess some integrity in the bedroom is severely undesirable. 

Women, and girls that are dating, take back your dignity and demand a bit of respect.  Any guy that gives you a timeline, an ultimatum or a threat on anything you find "not a good idea," show him the door.  I would rather lecture him on how to behave himself than to have to tell him later "Um, yeah, so about that, yeah I got pregnant."  Take back your life, your dreams and your dignity.  You are worth the time you put into yourself.  It shouldn't matter if you are 36 and still single (my boat right now), at least you did it holding your head up high. 

My favorite "give him the boot" line was "I do not hold mistress hours."  Because, dude, I truly don't.  I'm either worth taking out to dinner and being treated properly, or your an idiot.  Pick one.



A note on hygiene:  For some reason one of my guy friends doesn't believe me when I say hygiene is important.  It really is, and I'm not lying.  And the following is not a description of anyone, period, merely a description of what I've seen or smelled thus far that I cannot get near:  bad breath, matted hair from lack of a shower, lack of a shower (seriously, daily dudes), overuse of cologne (I have allergies, and if you need that much cologne, you don't belong in my world), bad sweating issues, dirty hands, dirty nails, nasty toes (get a pedicure, seriously), boogers, wiping your nose, picking your nose, scratching your hair, or anything else for that matter.  And no offense to the dudes with self expressionistic dreads, those are also on my hit list.  I do not find them remotely attractive, on white, black, blue or green men, period.  It looks like you haven't bathed in a year, have been on a deserted island, and need some serious hygiene care.  Don't even tell me you had a shower in the last 24 hours, I'm not gonna care.

If a girl is backing up from you while you are trying to get a kiss, get a clue.  She's backing up because she is telling you there isn't anyway on this green earth she is gonna get that close to you or your lips.  You have to earn your way into her space.  Do your best to do that.  Period.  End of statement. 

Being Single and no children, doesn't mean a lack of love...

The ongoing struggle to be questioned for being in your 30's or older, not married and no children.  I get this a lot.  People wonder why I still don't have children, and that I must be one of those who doesn't want to have children since I've gone this long without them.  My answer: "I want them, I'm just not doing it without a partner."  In other words, I got smart and made sure to make that abundantly clear to anyone that wants a child with me, you aren't getting one without the vows, dude!

The other part of that is that I must be heartless if I don't have children.  I borrowed this posting from elephantjournal.com and thought it was brilliant, so I am sharing it here:

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/10/im-not-a-mother-but-i-know-love/

This author notes that though she is single without children, she still has experienced loving a child and watching them grow.

I don't work in the educational field, but I have previously to this career, and I still take time to invest in my "little peeps."  The little people in my life may not be directly from my loins, but I make sure that they are still cherished.  I have four from a close friend that are now pretty much raised (the youngest now 13, *sniff*).  I knew her before she was married, and have heavily invested my heart into the children.  I've even been trusted to hold the fort down with all four children, the family roadster, the two dogs and the house while my friend and her husband have a weekend away.  I have been there for homeschool events, birthdays, and spend cherished time with reading, and overnighters.  These children know that I love them and cherish them as part of my family.  My current "little peep" is my darling nephew, who just recently turned 7.  Turning 7 was a milestone for him, because now he's into "big boy" stuff.  I spend as much time with him as I can, and make sure that he and I have special time that no one else does.  For Halloween, his mom taught us how to do carved pumpkins, so he and I got to carve pumpkins together last year.  For Christmas, I love doing gingerbread houses, and so he is my little artist- I build it, prepare the frosting, and then he gets to decorate it with pointing to where he wants the frosting.  I do all the piping, and he gets to put all the candy on.

Any child that walks into my life is a valued little being. 

I decided not to have children without a partner (husband, ring, ceremony, rings, and legal paperwork) because I just felt that wasn't for me or for the path I wanted.  I went to college, got a degree, honors and a great job.  So, why am I bashed because I didn't have children early?

There are so many walks of life these days, let's choose to live and let live.  ~M



Getting off the dating website: Requesting Instant Messaging Programs to get out of having to check the dating inbox

Disclaimers are out there for a reason, folks.  The dating websites note that they are not liable for your actions or the other person's actions once you leave the website, give out your contact information, etc.  Beware of this when you give your personal contact stuff to perfect strangers.  Safety should be a primary concern. 

Instant messaging is the most common request I get aside from dates, obviously.  There's a few questions I have to ask myself before I proceed:  1)  How much information have I been given about the other person prior to them asking for my personal contact information that removes the liability of the dating website we met on?  2) Does the instant messaging program that I choose have a blocking format?  3) Am I really interested in this person to bother with accommodating them?  4)  Do I feel safe enough giving this person the right to contact me outside of that website?

I start talking to someone and usually within the first 24 hours, I have a request to get off the website and start either instant messaging or text talking.  I find this really premature on their part, having yet to establish any type of basic rapport with me.  And I really hate giving out my contact information as sort of an ultimatum to talk.  Some people get a bit pushy and say "I really don't want to talk on this format, do you have an instant messaging program we can talk on?"  In other words, they aren't interested in using the program they themselves signed up for and want to get lazy about having to look for a girl or something of that sort.

There's a couple of other things to watch out for:

1) Scams: this is the biggest nuisance of these websites.  I got on one dating website in the spring, and I got contacted by two individuals purporting to be military personnel, complete with photos.  One got fishy because how he described his assignment and that he had a child with him, who was staying with a nanny while he was working the Ebola assignment in West Africa. 

Pay attention to their grammar, how they answer questions, and see what they want to talk about.  If they don't stay on topic, post language that doesn't sound like correct English (even in some sort of area accent), or their topic seems to be out of character for the situation they are describing.  I know in general that military assignments, deployments, are generally there is no family allowed when it's combat zones etc.  This particular one, I couldn't imagine bringing a child into a situation where Ebola was rampant, with a local nanny.  The other part, was that he got worried that his child had gotten injured and began to say that he was worried about how he was going to pay to have her treated.  Military families have access to medical care, so medical bills aren't generally an issue, from what I understand of that issue.  The minute he asked me to help pay for her treatment, I knew it was a scam.

The second military personnel- I just simply blew off and told him that I wasn't dealing with military personnel again. 

2) Watch the tone of the conversation:  I received an invitation to talk off the website from another military personnel individual.  This was before the scamming stuff started.  I got talking to him on my texting program on my phone.  Within an hour he was telling me that I needed to get off the website, that I just paid membership to, to prepare for him to enter my life.  I told him that he had no right to ask that, considering we had never met, I don't know him from Adam, and that I had no ring.  Not to mention, he had been divorced before, which I was kind of questioning.  The way this guy was talking at me, I think I found the reason he was single.  His tone was more ordering me to do things than to suggest or find other avenues, or even discuss a first meeting.  Not to mention, I couldn't believe how quick he was to throw out his rank and base information.  I told him that I wasn't going to be ordered around and that was the end of that.

I'm not bashing military personnel, I'm just saying that there is a lot people purporting to be military personnel that is causing me to burn out on approaching military personnel as potential love interests.  I have a high respect for our men and women in the uniforms of our country, but the scamming is something I really have to flesh out before I will consider personal giving out my personal information to any serviceman, purported or otherwise. 

This last one, the one I sent the big response to the other night (see previous post), is also military personnel.  He told me that he doesn't like using the dating website to talk.  I told him that I get that, but I need to verify who you are.  The only way I could figure is if he could tell me where he got his tattoo done.  Everyone knows where they got the tattoo work done, and why.  I got a place, but no date, and no story to go with it.  So, I am beginning to wonder.

So, to counter offer his request for me to procure an instant messaging site for us to talk because I don't have one, I counter offered with using Facebook's messaging program.  If he has to quickly build a Facebook account, I'll know it, and with Facebook I can easily block him if something goes wrong.  None of my contact information is on Facebook, as far as my home address, a picture of my residence, or license plate tags. 

We'll see what happens.  But I told him that was the only thing I was going to offer, because I didn't have time to go and get another instant messaging program to accommodate.  What I didn't add was "to accommodate just one person."

Men, if you wouldn't want a little girl doing it, don't ask a woman to do it.

Ladies, pay attention to whom you give contact information to. 

(and vice versa)