A woman's identity in her 30's, and guys who don't understand that.

I recently had a guy tell me that when we get married, I didn't need to hyphenate my name.  I would take his name.  Hmmmmm.....  

I don't mind the request, I think it's cute, but being a woman in my mid 30's, that's just not generally an option any more.  I've had that name since I turned legal, so everything I am, socially, legally and professionally are wrapped up in my maiden name.

It used to be that a woman got married and made babies.  As simple as that.  But throw in the Women's Movement of the 60's, college, a career, etc, and you have an identity crisis.  Women are no longer making marriage their first choice, but rather the "at last" choice, for good or for bad.  Neither of which is good, but neither is bad either.  There are women who got married straight after college who maintain their maiden name in their name, and there are some that ditch representation of their familial genes all together by adopting a different name.  The one thing we are making a point about is that our identity as ourselves matter.  We are individuals in this world and want to be recognized as such.

So, the request and my response:  I told him that he forgot the hyphen.  He said why do you need to hyphenate?  I said because it's my choice and also because my name is wrapped in my professional matters.  It didn't phase him one bit.  He asked again, and I finally said "Why do you care whether I change my name or not?" Really? What is his interest in my name?  Isn't that my part?

I started thinking about it seriously, why does it bother me so bad to take his name, if we in fact do get married? 

(For my friends that are reading this, don't pull your calendars out for a wedding date, I'm not there yet). 

My name: My familial name, my roots, my heritage, my history, my genetic link, my memories.  I've also built my education on that last name, my profession on that last name, and my personal reputation.  To be simply annexed when I say "I do" is not what I want, I have an identity, I have a voice in this world.

My favorite part of my name is that it has a link with Savannah, my favorite historical city.  Why on earth would I want to relinquish that particular link? 

Though I cherish the day I get to say "I do," I don't relish all the paperwork that comes with it to merely change my name from my maiden to my married name, and then have to explain to the world "Oh, yeah, that's me, I got married and my name is now ____________."  I know people in my profession who don't go through all that.  I prefer to be one of them. 

Thankfully it's not a discussion of "Your last name is awful, I'm not taking that!"  but rather tradition versus profession discussion.

I think what people forget is that making that decision isn't easy anymore.  It's not merely gaining a name, it's gaining all the reporting the change that goes with it.  Not to mention the cost, and the risk of losing a lot professionally due to a name change. 

At least it's not a Phoebe issue, with what she changed her name to after the wedding.

Could be a LOT worse.