Holidays: It sucks to be single for the holidays

Yes, the holidays when you are single suck.... totally sucks, but hey, I would rather be doing the holidays by myself than with a Grinch.

Yes, I suffered through that one year.  Would you rather have a quiet holiday, and you can buy whatever you wish, or would you rather be with someone who is so grinchy it makes holidays not worth having.

My ex was that way.  He felt that he didn't need to buy gifts for birthdays, Easter, Christmas, or celebrate major holidays because he worked enough for the family and that his everyday contribution was what was enough to share with them.  Bah Humbug.

I am now in a relationship, and it super sucks when your family or theirs, or better yet, both! don't want to believe that you are minutely serious relationship and they begin to prepare for the holidays with the exclusion of your partner.  Hurray for weirdness, awkwardness and family inclusion.

So, I'm going to totally avoid telling on people, but I think for the sanity of all involved be aware of whom you are bringing home.  Don't just bring them home to show them off.  If you aren't serious about staying with that person, don't include them in your family shindigs, no matter how minor.

*I knew someone who allowed a girlfriend, who was not a fiancée, in his grandmother's family funeral photos.... hurray....

Holidays can bring out the super tacky of behavior or can bring out inclusionary behavior, you pick.

I think for families of singles, be understanding that whom they bring home is their discretion to want to share that person with you.  If you know they are just putting on a show, put them out, but in general most people don't bring around someone that they aren't truly interested in.

Have enough grace and space to remember that if you were in their shoes, you would want them to include you.  Exclusionary behavior can be divisive and can hurt relationships far into the future. 

***and if you aren't the host or hostess, don't invite people for them.  It gets awkward when someone they didn't plan on shows up.  Just saying.

Cheers to being single during the holidays.  Be strong and shop til you drop.  Don't worry about this season.  It may suck, it may be awesome, but it's just a season in life.  Make it what you want it to be.

Live your life: Don't wait for someone to tell you how to do it.

I was always taught to live with eternity in mind, to live life backwards.  If you live with the end in sight, and you know what you want to look back on, then you will be more focused on what you want to get out of life instead of merely living a life.

A photo from my private collection.  I love cemeteries.  I love to look at the artistry memorial of the individual that lived.  The places I have visited have shown either how people lived or how well they died.  One of my thesis in college surrounded the idea of a "Good Death."

I don't say this lightly, or to be ghoulish, or anything of that sort, but merely to show that there is more to life than the general life everyone assumes we will take.

That's what's so fabulous about being taught how to live with eternity in sight, to live life backwards, to be able to think what you actually want to accomplish rather than having to make room for what you want to accomplish.  I set out early in life a desire to travel, and can say that I've done that.  I set out to learn different cultures and language.  Done that.  Educate myself to be able to give my children (or legacy) a better start in life.  Done.  And have found out who I am and find balance in all that.  My trips to cemeteries continue my journey to enjoy rare or alternative art, and a lot of people miss that a cemetery has art in it. 

So, the point I'm making, is to get out there and live your life.  Don't be afraid that your dreams will end up in a trashcan, or be the subject of ridicule.  They assuredly will be questioned, no matter what, but who cares.  I've traveled to some countries that were considered dangerous, and before I went I knew that if the Good Lord wanted to call me home, then so be it.  Live life with reckless abandon.

The point I'm not endorsing is the "let life happen to you."  Don't be the one that didn't know what they wanted to accomplish, so they got with a guy, then got pregnant and just ended up having to work for the future, rather than making their future.  I see so many that succumb to just letting life happen, including sex, drugs and alcoholism, and then when they finally get their head clear again, their future is destroyed. 

If you can get a hold of your dreams early on, you'll know where you want to go from there.  If you don't, then you will become a "leaf in the winds of other men's plans." 

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses.... (And my "Three Strikes" Rule)

This is a huge issue in dating.  This is one you have to decide whether the B.S. is worth keeping them or throwing them back. 

There are people throughout your life who are going to give you excuses why things weren't done, why they couldn't make it, why they ditched you for something, or why they left you in the lurch.  Your dating partner shouldn't be one of them.

Being served B.S. is unfortunately a norm, and people have just simply accepted it.  The guy is really sweet, he considers my thoughts, she's pretty, she's just in a temporary slump and needs a bit of help, etc. 

I had one guy say that he had to meet a potential roommate, but then he would be right over.  I was dumb enough to wait 2 hours.  He said I'll see you at Starbucks, and this was at 6pm.  6pm is kind of my cut off for a coffee shop.  He finally said he was on his way, and it was nearing 8pm.  I texted him that I was beyond coffee at that point, to meet me at the bar of the Mexican restaurant for beer and chips and salsa.  I can't remember if he paid for the beers or not, I just know that I waited 2 hours to meet a guy that turned out to be the biggest flake on the planet. 

Same guy that told me other things that were unacceptable. 

I kind of run on a "three (3) strikes and your out" rule.  The first time you disappoint, that's strike one, and so on.  The first time you lie to me, the game is totally over!  First time he makes you pay for a date, yes, strike one or wherever you are.  You have make your own game of how you run the B.S., but it shouldn't be an ongoing thing.

I know someone who currently is on her 5th or 6 week of talking to a guy, and she still hasn't met him yet.  I told her "Uh, he hit my three strikes a while ago..."  and she's still hoping for a happy ending.  I think there has to be some limit as to how much you put up with.  You just simply can't be naïve in this game.  Other people in this pool are certainly more calculating. 

Money is particularly important to pay attention to.  You also have to know how much of that B.S. you are willing to put up with.  If you are the girl in the relationship, if you are paying for more than a third of your relationship, or even 25%, then you are putting too much investment into your relationship.

On a whole, borrowing money from each other shouldn't come until you are firmly in a relationship, and the money dance has begun.  While you are in the "dating light" category, the pre-engagement phase, you should definitely not be borrowing money or loaning money.  I put a limit on how much I was willing to loan or give to my partner in my last big relationship, and I stuck to it.  Though I paid more in investment for the relationship- dumb me- I wasn't willing to loan him outright cash, pay for a broken phone, pay for the nieces' trip to Chuck E. Cheese, etc.  I majorly drew a line at "loaning" him money to replace his phone, which happened to be his 4th broken phone while we were dating.  That should have had money set aside if you go through phones that fast. 

Examples of Three Strikes:

1) made me pay for the first date, 2) embarrassed me in public, 3) was late for something important

1) Late to the first date, 2) made me feel uncomfortable on our date, 3) didn't wash your hands

1) Complaining about anything in general, 2) buy the dumb version of a great product (wrong Harley Davidson- the Honda Goldwing lookalike rather than the "hog"), 3) talk about how much you paid off your ex wife for your divorce settlement

1) Not answer a phone call from your kid, no matter how old they are, 2) didn't call me to cancel a date, 3) a scheduled late night visit, and then didn't show up and didn't call.

Things that don't get a "Three Strikes" rule:

Cheating (1 and done)

Lying (1 and done)

Making me look bad (1 and done)

Yelling at me (1 and done)

Not taking responsibility for something big (1 and done)- like a kid, visitation, phone calls, etc.

Bitter Divorce Stories (1 and done) I had one first date that he lied to me and they were bitter divorce stories, oh yeah, definitely done!!!!  How much you paid off your ex wife to go away, oh yeah, done! 

I can understand if there was some negativity between the splitting pair, just not dripping with disdain to the point where that is your disposition.  My guy now is a divorcee, and he doesn't drip with disdain, he is validly hurt and is working to rectify his situation. 

Just a little humor to share

Found this on Facebook just now, and had to share.  If you need a good chuckle, here's one:

Intimacy, Every Person's Fear: Am I good enough for the other person?

This is one of the rare subjects that requires a PG-13 warning, but I will address it with care.  But I've heard this from more than just a few people. 

My mom and I had a discussion in regards to this shortly after I broke up with a really pitiful individual, so my mom won't be shocked by what I'm about to write. 

If you are breathing, breeding, intimacy, love and sex are part of your DNA.  You will at some time in your life address this core subject of sex.  The question is when it comes to approaching an intimate relationship with someone:  How much experience does the other person have and do I have enough experience to keep up with them?

Several girls I have talked to have had the attitude of having saved as much of themselves as they could for their future mate.  Some still have their "V-Card" and some have limits as to what they will do with current partners.  If you have your "V-Card," you go girl!!! It's tough, and if you made it still not having lost it, then you had more stamina than the rest. 

Then on the flip side there are those who went and painted the town red without the V-Card, throwing themselves at whatever was available, and racking up those notches in their bed.  To them, I say, congratulations, you are the ones that us girls that are timid in this department are afraid of. 

Everyone says to ask for "The Number" (the people you have physically been with) to know how many stops that person has made around the block.  I can't say this is productive, because either it freaks you out, or it creates doubt in your mind as to if the number is correct, or if the number is in town or out of town, how on earth did they get that many, etc?  It just leaves your mind racing.  I can personally say that asking has caused me more anxiety than it's worth, so I stopped asking. 

I also didn't date in common friendship circles, so that I wouldn't bump into someone that my date or someone I had previously dated had been with.  I can't say that was an overall policy, and that I think dating in your friendship circle is also risky.  I ran into more than one skank I knew personally that either dated someone in my friendship circle (and did some intimate things with them that the circle and the church knew about), or that dated previous love interests of mine.  I can honestly say that I did not rack up that title in my friendship circle.  Thank God.

Also, what if you told your friends your love interest's number? What are they going to think?  One of my college girlfriends disclosed to me that her husband-to-be had racked up 30+ women by the time they met.  I can't necessarily say I had a very high opinion of him.  Nor the friend (she and I are no longer in touch) that bragged her husband had once been bought a "lady of the night" for a birthday gift.

So, I'm not writing this to blow secrets and all that.  But to make this point:  How much do you really want to know about your partner. 

The other part of this, is simply this: Forget about the "good enough" portion of your thoughts.  If you are told "you are not good enough" then that person clearly has too much education and should really be in the "Charlie Sheen" (which also includes Robert Downing, Jr., Hugh Grant, etc) category.  If you aren't "good enough," have "enough education," "still in kindergarten," then the person is a skank and should be shown the door.  I had someone call me all of that when he dumped me.  Smart move dude. 

Anyone who brags about their intimate education should really be in a "Skank Category."  And you might need to talk about that before anything goes any further.  But you should also find someone with a sweet heart who doesn't think that it's the end all, be all, of a relationship either.  You should have a good rapport before doing anything in that fashion. 

If you truly fear that you won't be enough for them, then they aren't worth the time you have to give or your emotional attachment with that form of intimacy. 

Remember, you are who you make yourself to be, and if that isn't good enough for someone else, then they can hit the road. 



What to do with someone who won't go away: Ignore them!

There are just some people out there who just won't settle for "Goodbye," but rather they keep bugging the living daylights out of you because they can't properly let go. 

Some people don't get the gist of how dating goes.  If you don't feel like it's a match, move on, don't settle.  Why on earth would you make a life for yourself other than the one you want?

But there are those who want to settle for something, just something.  The Married or In A Relationship at once rather than at last.  There are some people out there who are wayyyy too clingy and cant let something that won't work out go. 

I don't call that pursuit of a mate, I call that settling and then making the other person miserable because you have to be miserable.  Misery loves company, but those of us who want balance in our lives don't want misery.  We want someone who has balance in their lives too.

So you had that first date, and you aren't feeling it.  What do you do?  You thank them for a nice time, and wish them luck.  What happens if they just won't go away?  Ignore the texts and phone calls, and be thankful they don't have your address.

If they keep bothering you, block their number, or put on the Caller ID "Do Not Answer- Name."

You have to find what works for you in order to get some peace and quiet.

The one thing you have to remember is be able to walk away with a clean conscious.  You don't have to be mean, you just simply aren't obligated to return a text or call after you have said your peace.  There is no need to "Go there."  Simply pack your little texting bag and get the hell out of there, and don't look back, no matter what.

If you are one of those who can't stop responding, then you need help, and it's not the help that a blog can satisfy. 

A lady makes sure to exit peacefully and with as little disruption to her life as possible, while saying goodbye to an uninteresting meeting.  If the person comes back with negative vibes, threats, or rude behavior, that's on them.  You don't have to respond. 

Guys: Have a little fashion sense, the girl is gonna look good, you should too.

This is probably the most common complaint I hear:  The girl made an effort, but the guy didn't.  Guys, would it kill you to wear clean jeans, non work clothes, take a bath???  Put a little effort into your clothes, you know she will.

This is no joke, the most common "bitch session" I hear from people.  The girl comes home from the date and she goes "Would it kill him to make an effort?  I wore heels, put a little make up on, and he wore a hoodie and work boots!" or something similar.

Guys, if you are going to a bar, a restaurant or something, the least you could do is take a shower and put clean clothes on.  But seriously, if it's a first or second date, you know she is going to make a bit of an effort in order to make a good impression.  You totally should make the same effort.  Do your hair, put on some clean clothes, wear some of your best shoes (not your church shoes), and some snazzy jeans and a nice shirt.  And maybe a little cologne (not a lot, but enough.  You don't need to bathe in the stuff). 

Ladies most assuredly will dress to the occasion by wearing something a little more than their work clothes, wearing heels possibly, a bit of make up (not too much), etc.  We always make an effort to make sure that our first impression matters.  Our greatest problem is usually the guys don't dress to the occasion, thus making it look like they didn't care, or worse that they are just humoring us or trying to get booty.

If you want to make a good first impression, make a little effort.  This also refers back to another post I made about the most hilarious comment I heard from a guy "I wish women weren't so detailed."  Trust us, we are, and we are watching what you do, what you wear and how you carry yourself.  If you want us to take you seriously, then take yourself seriously.

What if time runs out? Tips for guys who linger, but don't put you on the schedule

If the guy you are interested in hasn't put you on his schedule yet and your calendar timeframe is up, what do you do then? What's the game plan?

My roommate and I have strategy talks about boys and such all the time.  What do you do when a guy hasn't put you on the calendar, and you are "done" with the games? 

Some people want to mope and just hold on to that idea that it might work, but if you do that, you aren't going to get anywhere.  My advice, keep stirring the pond and go fishing again.  Men don't deserve our time if they continue to string us along and continue to act as if our time doesn't matter.  It does matter, darn it!  Men should know that they are on a timer, and when that ding goes off, we're done.  If you actually want our time, do something about it.

Keep moving, that's the only way you are actually going to go anywhere, even in life.  If you want something out of life, you have to do something about it. 



Patronizing a Woman

I'm putting this in, because I find it important for people to understand.

Women who have worked hard to be who they are do not want to be patronized. 

There are people in this world who either talk down to you, talk above you, or give you lip service just to get you to go away.  I can honestly say that it is the most infuriating thing on the planet in my book, and one that definitely deserves the rage I give the person that gives it to me.

A man who is interested in a woman should never patronize her in any fashion.  Vice versa for women.  If you are patronizing to people then you have the mindset that what you do, what you say, who you are and anything else about you is better than someone else, or that you know more about the situation than another person.  If you explain or teach what is going on, that is different.

But if you are doing it just to satiate someone else's situation, it is just infuriating. 

I used to date someone that was like that, and when I asked him to teach me it rather than withhold the information because I wouldn't understand it, he continued to withhold the information.

Let's just say, he is no longer in my life.

Educated people work hard to be where they are in life, and to be belittled is so rude.  I have worked for several years to be a person who wants to know what is going on and how can I remedy the situation in either the best fashion or the best fashion for my budget. 

I don't speak down to people because I have been taught it is super rude.  I teach the situation instead.  I work day in and day out for a group of people who are tired of the situation they are in and they just want to be through with the process they have been put through.  The last thing they want is someone to treat them like a child.  I tell them that when they get to me, that it will be easiest part of the process, it's just a waiting game.  They get a full set of instructions, with a check list and where to send their finished documents.  They are in control of their situation and they don't get frustrated at me because either I withhold information or don't explain things properly.  I give them the information they need.

Be conscious about what you are doing and how you are speaking to someone.  Give them the information they need to make sure that they don't get frustrated with you.  Be courteous and on the ball about what you do.  Don't make them feel like they have to beat it out of you to get the right answer or be insulted because you can't explain it properly. 

A Tribute to Singledom: Part 2

I write a tribute to those who are single for a single reason: to pay tribute to a community that isn't willing to just "get married."  To those who are holding out to find a person that makes them better than they are alone.  In the words of Aunt Alyssia in "Gigi"- "That instead of marrying at once, to marry ... at last."  To wait for that lasting relationship, if such is desired.  

Not everyone gets to meet the love of their life when they are young.  I won't call it fortunate to have done so, because everyone is fortunate in their lives, in lots of different ways.  But not everyone marries young, not everyone marries happy the first time.

I pay tribute to those who, though have not achieved it young, still holds out for the ideal relationship for them.  Knowing that there is a person that makes you better than you are alone.  A tribute to those who desire to marry and make it last, knowing that the decision they make is one of conscious choice rather than emotions and huge risk.  

It used to irritate me that people people kept asking me why I was still single, that I should just find a nice boy and settle down.  I even had a woman who had been married several times tell me that I should marry to have a man take care of me.  I told her that a man wasn't a priority, and that I could take care of myself.

It used to irritate me that people would ask my parents why I would go to college and not land a man.  I love that my parents backed me up and told them that finding a man wasn't the purpose of college. 

The "old-school," down-home, very traditional Southern mindset was that a woman married to have a man take care of her, to bare children, and to run her household.  Women didn't educate themselves any further than high school, if that.  Women were expected to support their families.  

But, the flip-side:  I'm not Southern.  I am a woman who was raised to stand on her own two legs, and never expect that a man SHOULD take care of her.  My grandmother was a trailblazer in her day and age.  Though she married for money, status and security with her first marriage, she soon realized that it wasn't enough.  In the 1930's, she was one of few women to file for divorce and raise a child as a single mother.  She married my grandfather, her second husband, after having been on her own for a while.  Though we can honestly say that it wasn't the perfect marriage, she was the person that my grandfather couldn't live without.  And neither of them married "at once," but rather "at last."

I found out after my grandmother had been widowed for over 15 years, that she had a love of her life and that it wasn't either of the men she married.  She turned him down because he was too short for her, but he cherished her.  

My grandmother insisted that I finish college, travel the world and pursue my dreams before getting sucked into family life.  I started traveling when I was 16, and have continued traveling to this day.  Hopefully, if this relationship continues to work out, we will continue traveling.  I love that she taught me to be so self reliant and self sufficient.  I love that she made me become who I am (with a little help from my mom, of course).

On the flip side of that, she encouraged, along with my mom, that I do everything early on in life because in order to do them later on in life would take an immense amount of strategy.  

But back to singledom:  It's nothing to be ashamed about, but rather something to celebrate.  If you aren't ready for babies, diapers, mass grocery shopping, coupons, colds, flu, and multiple rooms to clean that you didn't mess up, it's okay.  Celebrate it! Celebrate through doing things that aren't on that list.  Accomplish what you want.  Make a Singledom Bucket List!

What would you do if you had the funds and the time?  Would you take a cake decorating class? Travel the 7 seas?  Become a competition bartender? Go dancing til dawn?  Go to nerdy events?

Celebrate a life that isn't tied down to responsibility rather than moping as if singledom were something to be ashamed of or a holding bin until you found the right one.  Go enjoy your life.

A Tribute to Singledom

Ladies: The Challenge

There was a challenge for the guys, now there is a challenge for the ladies.  If you want a man to date with intent, you also need to do so.

If you want a guy to date you with intent, then you need to compose yourself like you intend to date with intent too. 

Don't be that girl that dresses up for the red light district, complete with hooker shoes, short skirts and lots of make up.  If you want a guy to take you seriously, dress and act like you want to be treated.

Ladies, compose yourself as ladies first of all.  A man knows what to do with a hooker, be something other than that.  Be someone who expects to be treated well, to expect a conversation, to expect doors to be opened for you, to have the bill paid by your date, and someone who brings more to the table than a drop dead gorgeous body and heels. 

I'm not saying to point that out to him, a lady doesn't criticize a man for their bad manners, but helps guide things.  Just wait until he makes the "duh" move.  *Most good boys already know how to do this without being prompted.  My man's mama trained him well.

Dress accordingly:  Dress according to the restaurant or event, not the man.  A man will always want a short skirt, 5 inch heels and hooker red lipstick.  A classy lady dresses according to the occasion- if it's a bar, jeans and a nice shirt; if it's a museum, a little more than that; tennis shoes only when necessary; and as little make up as possible.  If you have a furious flaw that you can't stand, then go ahead, but otherwise, as little as possible.  Good girls don't wear makeup you have to scrap off with a shovel at the end of the night.  No "Coyote Ugly" here.  Be real, be fresh, be yourself.

Appropriate discussions:  Hookers will talk about anything just to get paid.  Ladies discuss intelligent things, have a wide range of knowledge, hobbies, interests, and skills.  A lady keeps the discussion above board, is discreet when needed, and tries to guide the discussion back to things that are acceptable at a family dinner table when they have been diverted from. 

What you talk like will reflect on how he thinks about you.  If you talk trash, you stay trashy in his book.  If you can discuss non-trashy topics, he'll remember that.

What a man wants out of a good girl:  First of all, you don't have to be a good girl to compose yourself properly.  Everyone has a past by the time they are 25 or older.  However, if you want to be treated in a particular way, then act a particular way.  A man who is looking for a good girl is looking for someone to be his best friend, who can carry on a conversation, who can make him better than he is alone.  He's looking for someone who can take care of herself and her man with little effort.  A woman who can control her world rather than her world controlling her.

When at a restaurant:  Don't waste the time of your waiter- you aren't there to spend time with them.  Be prompt, be ready. Look at an online menu before you go so that you can be ready to roll and spend time with the guy you are dating rather than the menu and the waiter.  Know what you want to drink before you get there.  And know that if the date isn't what you thought it would be and you need to dash- pay at the bar and leave.  Be ready to foot your bill.  A lady is ready for anything.

When out and about: be ready to know something about where you are going.  Be his tour guide.  Know how to navigate where you are going.  *I took my new man to the Mint Museum.  I had been dying to see this fabulous chandelier there for years.  I had seen a documentary on the artist, and then I also knew a bit about art mediums and artists, so as we went through the museum, I could look at pieces and talk about them with him.  I turned him on to an art aspect that I love and adore.

I'm not suggesting to do that much research on art, if you aren't into art.  I just happen to have that much exposure to art, because I love it and have a college background in it. 

Take him somewhere that interests you.  If you like food, teach him about food; if you like shoes, take him to a shoe exhibition; if you like baseball, ... you get the idea. 

If you go shopping: Be conscious of what you are doing and what you are spending.  Only spend what you can feel comfortable spending if it was your own budget.  Letting him know you can manage your money is a huge turn on for guys.  *My guy when we go out shopping, I only let him spend about $100 on me at a time.  I can't emotionally go over that mark, unless I'm buying something planned. 

If there are big purchases to be made: discuss them first, do your research.  Don't walk into an expensive commitment without knowing what it is first.  (jewelry, cost of maintenance, big furniture- where does it go and function).  I already know that I cannot maintain a house on my own, so I rent.  I know I don't want to do Christmas yard decorations, so I don't.  I did my research on a collector's bracelet he wanted to get me so that I knew what I was looking it and not spending over what I was comfortable wearing on my wrist. 

If you are shopping for him:  Don't try to make him better than he is, just polish him up a bit.  If you don't like what you are working with, be a lady and separate yourself from someone you cannot work with, period, end of statement.  Nothing is ruder than trying to make him something he is not.

On the other hand, shop with him, see what he likes, see if he's ever tried something, and see what you can polish up.  Or just occasionally.  Don't try to force him to wear a suit all the time if he works in jeans and a t-shirt.

I will say this, if he buys you something, thank him and cherish him for the thought- even if it doesn't fit.  He made a huge effort to try, and that makes a huge difference.  My man did, and missed my size by about 4 sizes (too small).  I was touched, but I also told him what my actual size was and what I liked.... so, trying to guide him in the right direction.  ;)

Men like to be taken care of.  But here's the catch, they want to be taken care of properly, not in a fake way.  Be genuine, thank them, be verbal about your appreciation for them or find some way to let them know that you appreciate them for who they are.  Men are very motivated to hear words of encouragement when they are doing what you like, love or cherish.  Don't ever forget that. 

On a personal note, I absolutely suck at personal affirmation.  I am upfront and honest about it.  What I do instead, I buy him cards that can express that better than I can so that he can have a collection of loving words from me, on paper, to remind him that he makes my world grander than I was by myself. 

Just as much as Dating with Intention on the guys side is important, it is that much more important for a woman.  Don't be that girl that dates a guy for his money or assets, or future earnings.  Date him and cherish him for who he is. 

In or out: How long is too long? how much drama is too much?

How do you know when it's too much to put up with? What is your threshold?

How do you know when you've had enough, or when the relationship is spouting red flags too early?

My roommate and I were having such a discussion tonight when I came home.  The guy I had been hoping would step up has not, and is beginning to sound snarky, and they haven't had their first date yet.  I told her I believe I would have pulled the plug right then and there.  They haven't even had their first date yet, and he's already sounding snarky-whether it was involving her or not.  

When to pull the plug?  In my honest opinion, pulling the plug can either be simple or complicated, it just depends on how much you put up with.  In my case, I have a low threshold for nonsense, rude behavior and bumpy starts.  

If it takes too long to get a date:  If you are a girl and the guy has strung you along for more than 10 days and hasn't scheduled a date with you, pitch him.

If you are uncomfortable on the first date:  Your mind is telling you something, pay attention.  If he makes you feel uncomfortable either by getting drunk (or near it), making comments that make you feel uncomfortable, treating you in such an unfavorable fashion, treating the staff in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, etc.  Pitch him.

If you experience an unfortunate phone call:  This one is priceless.  Get a phone call in before you schedule your first date.  A guy, years ago, was trying to negotiate a place to meet up for the first time, via text.  Then he called me for the first time.  Then he answered his land line, and it was a close friend.  I heard him say the most inappropriate, racist, and crass, statements that I blushed really bad to think I was about to go out on a first date with this guy (the guy I was on the phone with was white, the friend was black, I was mortified at their conversation).  I texted him the next day to let him know that after a reasonable time to ponder our phone call, I didn't think that we melded well, and I wished him good luck with himself. 

*If what comes out of their mouth makes you uncomfortable, pitch him.

If they are constantly bringing up the issue that they are broke or having money problems:  Another priceless note.  Money is a huge issue in a relationship, and when one is unbalanced with their spending, credit, loans, etc, it can cause a lot of friction.  A LOT.  There is no reason to get involved in a relationship if you cannot afford to do so.  Always think twice if they bring up money issues too early.

Snarky comments at you or about a topic you find of particular interest:  If the person you are talking to begins to answer you in snarky ways, or respond in a way that you cannot respond to other than a negative perspective, then you need to think about how early on in the relationship it is, and how much of it you are willing to go forward to take.  I missed this one early on with my ex, my really hard relationship, and I learned a very hard lesson trying to resurface from all that.  I didn't care for the "pet name" he called me ("Gordis"= Spanish for "fat woman" or Gordita "fat little girl")- he shrugged it off as something his parents called each other.  I didn't care that he didn't respect my financial budgets- he tried to borrow money from me, so I cut him off at $100.  I didn't care what bed he bought "for us" and I made that abundantly known that it was very bad for my back and too warm.  And also if you feel good about yourself and they don't like it, RUN!  You have the right to be recognized for the person you are and loved that way.

Getting too personal too quickly: If they want to know your schedule, your Facebook account, where you work, anything stalkable, you need to tell them to either bad the hell off, or that the information is none of their business until much later.  I have clients and co-workers on my page on Facebook, I don't dare add someone I barely know on that page.  I did have to tell my new guy that he was not to have quick access to my life as it would or could cost me my job or ruin my professional reputation.  I also had to check his Facebook page for approval prior to allowing him on my page.  You can never be too careful.

If you have a fight on your first date, that's definitely a huge red flag.  A man shouldn't provoke a woman and vice versa.  A man should also have enough self control not to fight period.  A wise woman never starts anything.  The book of Proverbs in the Bible explains "contentiousness." 

I'm sure there are more things to consider when you are deciding to press on or cut yourself loose, but these are just the basics.  I hope this can spare some sanity in the journey of singleness.  

Thank you! The blog hit 500 views!

Just a quick thank you to those who have been reading this blog.  Through your interest, the blog hit 500 views this afternoon (eastern standard time).  I am super excited that I get to share the crazy single life through the written word with people who enjoy reading about the single life and the struggle, but probably who relish not having to do it ever again. 

Thank you to the friend who originally inspired the blog.  I wish I could buy her dinner one night. 

But here's a toast to all of you!  Thank you for following along in this crazy world of singledom!

~Melisa

Guys: The Challenge

Guys: I challenge you to dating with integrity.

No, this does not refer to the book "Dating with integrity," however, runs along those lines.  Most women date for the "Happily Ever After."  What are you in the dating game for?

Be honest with yourself- if you are just in it to get the booty call, then do that.  But just do that, don't try and string a nice girl along for the joy ride and dump scenario.  It gets really old after a while, and thus makes the good girls really annoyed.

But if you are sincerely trying to date to find "The One," then date with that intention, and don't seal the deal or do anything that moves you into another level if that's not your intention with her.

In the Bible it says to "Run the race that is set before us."  Men, think of the woman of your dreams as your race.  She is your finish line.  You start that race with the intention to marry her.  You don't start that race and then not finish it.

The Bible also says to "Let your yes be yes and your no be no."  What that means is to be firm in your decision to date with intention and integrity.  If you have no intention on pursuing anything further, then you need to close that door.  Don't linger, don't continue texting, don't continue to put yourself in a position where you are making it look like you have a continued interest in her.

The guy that continues to linger- the guy who wants to be around, and make his presence known, but with no commitment, is a huge douche.  I dated one, three times.  Shame on me the first two times.  He spent 3 months on the phone with me, morning and night, Skyping, etc.  He was also out of state, and I had just gone through back surgery, so the recovery period for me was what was taking so long for the first date.  Anyways, we met, we had a great time together, etc.  And we had planned on a second visit, which never happened.  Then he slowed his calling, and then the calls stopped- they went to voicemail when I tried to find out what was going on.  We decided to remain friends, and did keep in touch over the years. 

Then I finished a really hard relationship, and he showed up about five (5) weeks later, and reclaimed my attention.  He led me to believe that "in a year" we would begin a future.  We went away for a weekend, and then a loss of a family member consumed his time.  Then he never came back.  I dated a few more people, and then told him that I was interested in more, and began to act that way.  He then shut that down permanently, at his choice.  He said he was firm about only wanting to remain friends.  Remember- His Choice!  I told him that based on his choice, I was going to close that door permanently.  I was no longer going to linger on that hope that he was going to come back and be the man I wanted him to be.  He had really hoped that I wouldn't burn the bridge, and to give him credit that he was upfront with me when he came back after my hard relationship, that he only wanted to continue a friendship.  Yeah, how he wanted to be friends was how I perceived a relationship.  So, with that, I told him that no credit was given, that I felt misled, and that I was permanently done with this situation.  I told him he was not allowed to contact me via email, text, phone or Facebook ever again.  I even blocked him from my Facebook page, along with the lovely friend that introduced us- I felt that her involvement and having had two strikes with people I had met from her was telling that I probably shouldn't be involved with her either.

Now, I have my new man, who took that challenge.  He is actively running the race to make me his finish line.  He's been upfront with me since Day One of his intentions, and he continues to show me that he intends to make me his finish line in the Great Race of Dating with Intention.

The discussions I've had with most couples that make it the distance in their marriage, are the ones where the man ran the race with intension.  A guy I knew proposed to his wife with a diary of their dates, with her engagement ring tied to a few pages in the back.  My parents were together since they were 14, and my mom was treated in such a decadent way, that she wanted no one else.  My grandfather, my dad's dad, wrote my grandmother love letters while he was away at war.  My cousin proposed to his wife, while they were in high school- the cheerleader and the football player- he proposed on a hill above the field on a Friday night that he was to play.  My cousin's mom eloped and was married for over 50 years. 

But these men ran with intentions on a finish line to have the woman they eagerly wanted at their side, at their side for the rest of their lives.  I don't know of a single story in that list that ended in divorce. 

Your love story doesn't have to be the grand soiree or the greatest dance ever, but it does have to be intentional, and that's what makes it special. 

Dating with integrity is merely dating with intention to make the one you want for now and forever your finish line.

I challenge you, men, to that race. 

Time: The Black Hole of Dating and meeting people

Time is one thing to watch in meeting people.  If you feel that the person is just leading you on, you're probably right. 

I write this one this morning in two facets, one for those whose time is being wasted, and for those who waste people's time.

My roommate and I were having a conversation last night in this regard.  The guy she has been talking to for over two weeks has not invited her out for a date yet, due to his child's schedule and his finances.  I told her that the fact that he hasn't scheduled anything yet seems to be a huge red flag, and I would begin to wonder how much further to invest in that future, if there was any.

For those who feel that their time is being wasted- pay attention to the signs of your time being wasted.  1) for scams, people trying to waste your time to gain trust and then money; 2) people that are trying to find someone merely to talk to; 3) those that waste your time to merely get intimate and personal satisfaction.

You have to not only want what you want, but you have to want and work for what you want in a very smart fashion.  You have to see if it's viable.  If you don't meet that person within about a 10 day window, I would say put the brakes on the time investment.  You may be spending too much time in the wrong place.

If that person complaints that they are broke, do you really want to be the "sugar daddy" in that relationship?  Are they broke because of how they manage things? or are they broke because they have a bad paying job and haven't looked for another?  Either way, broke is never a good place to come from in starting a relationship.

So here's to the people that are time wasters, those who lead you on: Go find something else to do.  I am seriously tired of talking to people who find out what I want and work into my trust zone, and then try and violate my time with attempting to gain by financial means, or otherwise.

If you are lonely, go visit people.  If you need money, get a freakin job.  If you are lazy, then you need to stop bothering people.

Time is a horrible thing to waste when your biological clock is ticking.  And it's sad that there are people out there that would violate your time like that.  Be street smart about your time.  If you don't think it's going in the direction you want, cut it off right there.

*Timewaster situation:  A guy I started talking to right before I met my new guy.  Salvador.  I've mentioned him before.  He wanted to talk, and then tell me that I was working too late, or whatever, typical, from what I've experienced, from the Latin Community about women and working.  He missed a weekend to meet me, then a Monday night- claiming that it was too late to be out because he had to be at work super early the next day, and then I met my new guy that Thursday.  I got a second date from my new guy that Saturday.  I went through that weekend without hearing from Salvador, and I didn't care.  By the time he tried contacting me the following week (we're into week 3 of contact), I told him I found someone else and that I wasn't going to be responding to any more text messages.  He put my job down for working too late, he didn't make time for me, and I met someone else.  His loss, my super big gain. 

Don't let anyone else drive your time.  You need to be master of the time domain in this one.

I sincerely hope that my roommate meets this guy, he sounds super super sweet, but I wonder.  He hasn't put her into his schedule yet.  At least she has a deadline she can work with, and go from there. 

The Waiting Room of Life: How most people view singles

 

Ever have people say "you're in the waiting room of life," and that you are waiting to get married.  Ever feel like your life is on hold because of that?

 

Dumbest Words EVER!

 

Why is it that marriage completes you and makes you acceptable to society? Yes, I am in a relationship now, but I've been "independent" most of my adult life.  I have not had long term relationships because I see through a man the minute he makes a misstep in the relationship. 

 

Independence is a great thing.  It is NOT a waiting room.  The period of Independence you experience while single is a great thing: you get to go to bed when you want, you get to discover new beers, new hobbies, travel, and discover who you really are beyond a rigorous schedule of family life.  Why on earth would you want to be tied down when you are just getting to learn about yourself, your likes and expanding your world.

 

I was talking with a 14 year old girl one day, and we got talking about boys and love and all that.  Guys are great, I said, but they are the end all, be all to life.  I told her that I recently had a break up and it was because he wouldn't let me be who I wanted to be.  She thought that was simply novel.  She never viewed life before as not needing a man, and that a man can't make you who you are.

 

What I've done while I was single was doing anything and everything I wanted to do, for the most part and within the financial realms available to me (ie: being a responsible adult and working within the budget).  So far I have traveled to 12 countries, learned a few things in about 5 languages, dated a few foreign guys (that was fun), became a foodie, honed my cooking skillz, got financially independent of my parents (nearly), stayed financially independent from all my boyfriends, paid for 3 cars in cash (rare thing in this day and age), finished college (3x), and have a great career- all while in that great "waiting room of life."  Man, some waiting room, right?

 

So, what are you waiting for?  Most people say you have to become the person you want to be in the marriage before you can find what you want in a marriage.  Become the person you want to be period, it doesn't matter if the man comes along or not.  Be yourself, be the person you want to be, and your life will take the course its supposed to, married or not.

 

Do I regret some of the things I did, yes, but what married person wouldn't say that same thing.

 

Don't ever let anyone put you in a box.  They envy your freedom and weigh you down by labeling you as "waiting." Sounds like they are the ones waiting for life to kick back up.

 

Join the crowd of "I am doing" rather than "I am waiting to do."

 

How do you know it's "The One?" or a close version of it.....

One of my closest friends told me that she knew her man was "The One" when they were on a long car ride, and her brain thought "I could do this for the rest of my life."

I was on the phone just now, and I was listening to a message that my man left me.  The message was long, and for the cynical it was super sugary.  But when it finished, I kept lingering.  When it got to the "Do you want to save this message? Press 9."  I kind of woke up from my dream. 

My man has bought me flowers now 2 weekends in a row, and knows I absolutely love roses.  He makes sure "his baby" is well taken care of and makes sure she has roses.  I have had pink and purple thus far.  I simply adore a man who wants his girl to have the things she loves from a man who loves her without hesitation. 

He has also purchased me a ring dish (enamel with peacocks, my fav.), and we have photos done and in both our residences.  He wants to make sure I am well loved, and I love having those reminders to know that I am loved. 

In return, I have begun a tradition my dad started years ago, I bought him a card of my thoughts when I am not with him.  He'll get another this weekend, if I find it in time.  My dad used to go on business trips and mail us (my mom, me and my brother) separate cards, one for each of us, from the hotel he was staying at, no matter how long or how short the trip was, to make sure we knew we were never out of his mind.  :)

I was informed in my last major relationship that I didn't need affectations or reminders that I was loved.  I never received a birthday card or gift, no Christmas gifts, and the one time he brought me something- was cheesecake for two and the ugliest spray painted daisies ever, after I had my second back surgery.  Yeah, and then the love ran out, and I think it was because I finally woke up from that mess.  (notice he is no longer in my life)

But I am excited that I am so cherished, now, and I truly hope that I can show him how cherished he is to me.  I loved that I didn't want to let that message finish this morning. 

Telephone: Calls, length and the anxiety of it all

Remember those long phone calls, that kept you up til dawn?

And now you look at yourself, and as you are dating in your 30's, you realize that staying up til dawn has a totally different consequence than it did when you were in your teens and college age.  I remember just my drinking ability and how prolific it was in college, and now I'm barely able to have 5 ounces of wine.  Cheap date.

But when you were a teen or in college, it didn't matter if you talked all night, all you had to do was sleep through class the next day.

But here's the other part of reality:  How long are those phone calls, and how are they affecting building the relationship you want?

If you are looking at reality, you have to remember what you are responsible for in consequence to being up all night on the phone.  Being on the phone all night can warrant sleeping at work- not an option I recommend.  Also, it can affect your morning drive time, if for some reason you are not able to properly operate heavy machinery.  Be responsible with your time on the phone with your potential interest.  It could cost you more than the love of your life.

But seriously, how long are you on the phone? How much mystery is being given away during those long hours?

If you are early on in your relationship, these are fascinating and also massively endearing.  However, if you are spending that much time on the phone, how much are you not leaving for next time, or a date?  Do you want to have a full on conversation when you get to a date, or will you already be caught up so you can just stare at them?  Make sure to be able to bring something to a later date, giving away all the information up front.  Guys are notoriously making their snap decisions on the first date, because they can.  What if you wait off to let them into your world until the second or third date, and they might come back.

Also, what is the content of those phone calls?  If you are doing things you wouldn't want your grandmother to hear, that might be a bad sign.  Doing all that over the phone before you are in a committed relationship can spell disaster.  Besides, a lady wouldn't dare spout that from her lips in general, why would that be remotely ladylike to do that then either?

Be sure that those phone calls are worth your time, professionally and socially, and your reputation.